In order to decenter romance, one must also decenter romanticising people. I do that a lot. The reason I couldn’t make eye contact or even say hi, was because I was terrified of what I had done by asking him out.
Yeah I tell myself it was brave and I did it to cut distraction out of my life, but they are only partial reasons, not fully realised. What I feel is my desire to have desire, not having an obsession with a man feels like a void.
In friends, Joey asks this question from a character when she says she doesn’t have a TV, he asks where does all your furniture points at! I’m so accustomed to watching TV, that even if I don’t have a TV now, all my furniture points at a place where it used to be. For now, I have put up a picture there, and I keep looking at it with hope that it would speak one day.
I’m beyond reason sometimes and that is perfectly okay as long as I come back to my life and read. Reading is not a distraction, I’m fully aware. It is a life source for me. I question things when I read. I form new ideas and synthesise my own way of living this life.
And because I am reading a lot from past two days, I have unlocked something new.
Yesterday I thought about how I was r*ped/molested/groped as a 5 year old over a period of three years by three or maybe four different pedophiles, I have always seen that episode as somewhere I was in control, knowing what I was doing. In reality, I have recently un-suppressed the memory that I was being manipulated, all of them were opportunistic, both my parents worked and abusers knew when I’d be the most vulnerable and alone. They were neighbours, helpers, friends of family. I thought they meant well. I liked when I got attention and this is the hardest thing ever for me as a human to admit. The reasoning I give that it wasn’t black and white, maybe I was a bit responsible.
I thought about this reasoning. This makes me angry. Why rape/non-consensual/reluctance erotica or pornography or scenes from movies appear bearable or are the highest in terms of views is precisely because of this reason — sex is still an enjoyable thing! To separate sex as an activity from the heinous act of abuse or pinning down a person or manipulating a child is absolute fucking criminal and it misleads an entire population of survivors. I’m sure there are better conversations happening, more aware and more informed, but these are my 2 important cents.
Trauma has always hovered over me like a dark cloud, never pouring, never leaving. After moving to Germany, it feels like a ray of sun piercing through, and hitting me in the eye. Living alone has also made it possible for me to feel vulnerable without fear of being manipulated again.
Sometimes I think about never getting a TV.
Maybe I’ll just rearrange my furniture.
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