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me: oh god i fucked up again? inner me: she said with surprise in her voice for some reason

get this tf away from me

no

life imitates art

i always know when a fic writer has never experienced a hickey

How? It’s not like you’ve experienced one either.

“[Character A] puckered their lips and absolutely Hoover™’d the life out of [Character B]’s entire neck. ‘You DirtDevil™’ [Character B] said with a breathy sigh.”

If you out and you get a bad feeling, go home immediately

Man, y'all better listen.

sorry i couldn’t make it to work today i was a few minutes away when i experienced a bad feeling

my ceiling fan has been clicking for months now and im starting to think the clicking is morse code intended to subconsciously reprogram me to be sad and tired all the time

Sounds like the ball bearing s are starting to go.

Yeah get a load of this guy over here. Dr. Knows Shit About Ceiling Fans. Let me tell you a bit about my background. I’ve had the ceiling fan since I was in the 5th fucking grade. I may have lost the remote for it years ago but believe me I know this baby inside out. I don’t know what the fucking a ball bearing is. I’ve never seen one and frankly it sounds like bullshit. Believe me when I tell you, I don’t have any patience for people who come into my life pretending to know shit about what goes on in my life. Think for a fucking moment before you come to me with this pedantic nonsense about ball bearings. Have you ever been to my house? seen my ceiling fan? I sincerely doubt it because I haven’t had friends over to my house since the Bush administration. Thats a very narrow window of time in which you could have seen my ceiling fan. And even then you probably hadn’t completed your course at the fucking ceiling fan academy. I worked at Home Depot for almost two years and I can tell you I spent my time in the department with the ceiling fans. I actually spent most of my time in the garden and patio section, but believe me, we had fans out there, big industrial ones. They kept us cool and I never heard a single fucking thing about a ball bearing. Please get fucked.