-I'm Tyson Fíerce-

So i’m a little late to the whole obligatory new year reflection/ resolution bullshit. And I haven’t shared or wrote anything in months. So I thought this was the perfect opportunity to take the time and do that. To tell you the truth i’ve felt very stifled over the last couple months. Creatively blocked. Emotionally vulnerable. 2015 was such a self reflective year. I learned so much about myself. What I wanted out of life. Who I wanted to share that life with. My life changed so much. I moved home. I gave up the freedoms of living by myself and left an area that had much more opportunities for me. To come back to a highly conservative and economically poor county that doesn’t offer its inhabitants much. Especially those with degrees outside the tech and vocational sectors. But that was my choice. I chose to move back home and start over. And ironically during that process I learned a lot about what being an adult is about. You must put your needs above your wants. I moved home because I needed stability, support, and love. I needed the time to map out the life I wanted to create for myself. I’m still in the process of trying to follow that map. But I know now I have my whole life to do that. 

It took me an entire year to fully embrace the fact that its okay to be lost in your twenties. And not have a clue what you want to do with your life. I struggled all year to pay my bills. Save enough money to go on “vacations” with friends. Just enough to enjoy the trip but not be able to partake in everything I wanted to do. Having to hold my breath when the bill comes at dinners. Silently, doing the math in my head about how much money I would have for the rest of the week. Watching friends and family enjoy their life while I slaved away at a job that pays a little over minimum wage on part time hours. Where the management does not appreciate my contribution. It was hard not to become bitter, withdrawn, and sad. Hence the feelings of being stifled. And the block in my ability to articulate myself. How could I express any kind of passion of mine or articulate a thought. When I was so ashamed of my life? I hated being an adult. Hated the responsibility. Hated the politics and social obligations. It took me almost a year to accept that shame. To no longer internalize my supposed failures and embrace my responsibilities. At the end of the day I pay my bills. I work hard for everything I have. I shouldn’t feel shame for that. I shouldn’t be ashamed of where my life is right now. The present does not dictate my future. 

A lot of my internalized shame comes from working in an environment where my own self expression and being are constantly being attacked. There is nothing as frustrating and also as empowering as ones employment. Over the year I’ve had several interviews. And each one my perceived gender and sexual identity not only played a part in that interview but it also plays a part in my job now. I’m gender non-conforming, gay, and a liberal minded hardcore feminist. It was shocking to me this year how much that worked against me in my conservative environment (In retrospect it shouldn’t have been surprising). How customers at work constantly question my ability to do my job. Hound my managers over my qualifications, my identity, and my business being apart of the company. Its hard being hated for who you are. It leaves you tired, vulnerable, and scared. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in my skin until I moved home. I was always the self confident, blunt, flamboyant queer kid. It angers me how fucked up our society is when it comes to difference. Heteronormativity rules absolute and its a bitch. The stigma of being queer in the workplace has been on my mind this entire year. It been a driving force to keep going. To push against homophobia and stand in solidarity with the trans* community. 

With this current presidential election kicking off and the lack of solid and sound candidates it has compelled me to stay informed. To educate myself so I know whats going on in the world. To not let our cultures media influence me into being scared of the world. 2016 is not only going to be a pivotal year for me personally. But for this nation. I can only hope other people vow to stay informed and fight against the oppression that is already brewing in some campaigns. Continuing to stay informed and to be apart of counter culture will be one of many resolutions of 2016. This is not only important to me. But will help me create a space for myself that fosters free thought and expression. I’m done being with feeling stifled by societies view on my life. I’m taking my power back and reclaiming my individuality. I can only hope our country does the same before its to late. 

Love.. Oh my that has always been and will continue to be a struggle for me. Its so hard to be open to relationships when i’m not happy with other aspects of my life. How do I contribute to a relationship when one doesn’t feel equal in it? I have a lot of love to give. But I struggle with how to express that love. How to put myself out there to meet someone and tell them how I feel. To become emotionally available to someone and accept that I could get hurt. And to fully commit to the idea of sharing my life with someone. I think this has been the first year in which finding a partner has not been a priority. And I’m thankful for that. I had a lot to learn, to accept, and embrace of myself. For another person to be in the picture would have further complicated that equation. But for 2016 I have high hopes for the possibility of meeting someone worth opening up too. Someone to watch reality television with. To enjoy each others company. And build a life together. I’m accepting the fact that one doesn’t need a fancy job to deserve a relationship. That equality doesn’t come in the form of currency. But in mutual love, respect, and commitment. 

2015 marked a return to a passion of mine. The only passion in which fueled any creative thinking during the year. And that was fashion. The familiarity of it was comforting. It felt like coming home. It was a relief to study something other then communication and diversity studies. Don’t get me wrong I’m still very passionate about media and queer studies. But now I can incorporate those ideals when articulating fashion articles and advertisements. Ironically, during this time of rediscovery. I also found my distaste of anything commercial and capitalistic. So the struggle to balance the two has been quite interesting. 2015 has been the year of fashion and the struggle to decide to pursue that as a career endeavor. That decision is still one that weighs heavy on my heart. Do I embrace a passion of mine that defines my life and learn the industry and skills needed to succeed by going back to school. Or instead utilize this passion as a hobby and a way to bring joy to my life.. Stay tuned this decision I hope will reach a resolution soon. 

So this is the part in this rather long post where I get to my resolutions of 2016... I want to create a space for myself that I can feel proud of. Draw empowerment and inspiration from. And also continue to express and articulate myself. So with that being said. In the next couple months I hope to create my own website. Where the content is 100% my own. I’ve enjoyed Tumblr. I’ve nurtured a space for myself that has honed my writing and self expression. It has become an extension of myself. But with life things change. and I need a space to call my own. So thats one resolution I’ve very excited to work on! Like I mentioned earlier to staying educated and informed is very important to me. Lastly, to be open to life and love. And the possibility in which love can change my life for the better. 

I’m still struggling and trying to define who I am. But I love my struggle. It has made me a stronger person. And I hope one day I can get back to the self-assured, confident, radical queer I once was. But until then i’ll take on 2016 much like 2015. By constantly reflecting and bettering myself. And working towards improving the circumstances of my life to better my experiences.