This is all the reasons why

The reason that it has been so long is not because I don’t have anything to say but rather the opposite. So many words such little space... but I will attempt to update you all anyway: 

There have been times where I have wanted to shout my thoughts on a rooftop so the entire city could hear just how unfair I saw this world to be and there have been other times where my anxiety has crippled me so deeply that I am afraid of the thoughts that might reveal themselves if I even whispered them.

I spoke to my old friend recently. One I was so sure was selfish and thrilled to abandon me last time I spoke to you all. I found out that she still did care and it was a nice feeling. We aren’t friends again but at least we’re good... that should count for something? right?

My kind hearted boyfriend is still here and thriving...I miss him so much this whole Corona Virus has ruined a lot of potential memories for us. I haven’t seen him in 5 months and  I am kind of sick to death of thinking about just how much I do miss him. It leaves me numb sometimes....sleeping for extra hours than I need, eating food I probably shouldn’t just to feel something. Love is meant to make your life better but everything seems to dark right now...

Sometimes to make myself feel better I try to revisit old memories of us together like in December just after Christmas last year: I was sad about something that had happened earlier that week and we were talking about it in this in this hotel room, laying on a widely pillowed sofa. He was sitting up right as I laid my head in his lap staring up at his slightly squared jaw and oval shaped face. I remember him laying one hand on my cheek and the other curved around my thighs, as they bent up at the end of the sofa. I looked up at him as he spoke to me. And his eyes. I remember his eyes and how much I trusted them. They looked so pure and so green, honestly I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of those eyes. I also remember how he was breathing slightly on my face as he spoke, most people wouldn’t think about this but for someone who spends so many moments apart from the person they love, those breaths are a reminder that the person was truly there. He was speaking to me, the words he said attempting to calm my anxiety down and as he did so I started to think about how much I loved him. How lucky I was to have this amazing human being cradling my tangled mind and reassuring me that whatever it was it would work itself out.

He is the one for sure, and that will never be too hard to shout out on any rooftop. 

I think i’ve been avoiding writing my thoughts on a page for a while now. Watching them turn from floating words in my mind to formed sentences on a glowing white screen has seemed like the hardest thing for a while now....especially since i’m so afraid of everything thats happened to me or is happening to me. 

The truth is I’ve lost a lot of people this year.

 I’ve lost lots of people, hurt myself and hurt others. I never even meant for any of it to happen but thats just life right...shit happens?

I made a lot of mistakes and you know and sometimes its hard to accept that. I know i’m a human who needs to vent a lot. I know I’m a human with so many thoughts going through my mind that perhaps its not always healthy. I struggle so much with myself. I want to accept everything that has happened to me but I’m just not sure if I can....and if i can how long will it take till I’m fine again back to the happier version of myself?

 I’m afraid I am a bad person....

a mean person and 

thats 

why 

everyone 

leaves 

or I leave. 

I’d like to start my next thought by noting best friends are fucking over rated. 

See I had two ‘best friends’ The first was a best friend that i’d grown up with and known since i was 5 and she apparently couldn’t handle my shit anymore. My complaining, the “drama.” I know part of the reason we aren’t friends anymore is because of me. I struggle with that knowledge. I just thought i was doing everything right you know? I thought I was being a good friend....i thought always being there counted for something....maybe I was wrong. 

The second ‘best friend’ was my ‘best friend’ of almost 8 years, she was going through something....not sure if she still is not even sure why i’m even here writing this but i feel like it was inevitable (my feelings not the situation). Anyway she was going through something. Something that shouldn’t have affected anyone the way that it did but it did. Someone rejected her last year, someone she grew to like very deeply and it turned her very bitter. It was so hard to watch her hurting, so hard to hear that she’d cried herself to sleep or struggled to walk down the halls at uni to begin with. To begin with I thought she just needed time. So I showed up to her house with pizza and flowers, chocolates. We talked about it for hours watched movies. Then we hung out more did similiar things ate talked for weeks for days for months then I met someone and I realised that i was afraid to share my happiness with her because she’d become so fixated on this sadness and this bitterness towards men. I never blamed her not at the time I understood she was going through something but eventually when i told her everything changed even more so. 

She hated that I was happy and she was sad and she was struggling and I hated that she was always fucking struggling and snapping and confusing and picking fights with me? Stupid insignificant fights with me. I became bitter towards her.

HOWEVER i’d like to note this was after 8 months of trying so hard be understanding. 

I couldn’t handle the fact that every time I gave my opinion and it didn’t match hers we’d get into a disagreement and I KNOW she thought the same of me. But her perspectives were just so god damn narrow and personal. She thought everything everyone did was a personal attack on her i was ridiculous. I wanted to be there for her, I’ve never not. I’ve never stopped loving or caring but when she turned on me, decided I was the enemy for simply disagreeing at times I couldn’t. We became toxic because we didn’t speak to each other anymore we spoke about each other. I went on her Facebook one night because i wanted to know, i needed to know what is it what is it she actually thought of me? Because one day she was good the next we were fighting over something stupid all over again and it was there I found my answer:  We weren’t best friends and we had never been best friends. 

I literally feel like I’m floating around in this world sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I don’t relate to anybody. 

I feel like everybody bothers me. 

I feel like I bother everybody.

 I feel like my beautiful, soft hearted, amazing boyfriend gets sick of me when I over vent and i’d understand why.

 My thoughts are always so intense.

I’m always so bothered lately and I don’t know maybe it has to do with the fact that i’ve lost people in the last year or so people that used to handle my venting in a way that was comforting. Not saying he doesn’t. He’s always there for me and I love the shit out of him i’d be so lost without him, but he’s a new person in my life.... like sometimes I miss my old runners and I wear them instead of my new just for that feeling, that KIND of comfort as opposed to the other KIND of comfort..... I know he will always be there and god I am so grateful I can’t even explain it but sometimes you just want your girls you know? sometimes you just want a hug from one of your girls but I mean now i look at all the girls who have betrayed me and I wonder....i wonder if i even want friends anymore like that.....friends that close? I wonder if i will ever trust anyone fully ever again. I’d love to. I have a very hard time with trust i have had for years. i just want a friend whose here physically and mentally who understands my trust issues and would never cross me the way i’ve been crossed but the thing is I thought i had that and then it turned un true it turned out that I didn’t it just LOOKED like I had that. Now I’m alone as fuck in my own brain no girl guidance, no sister to turn to. That sounds like I don’t have any friends. I know i do. I love them but my love has changed....I’ve changed. I’m more afraid then I have ever been of my thoughts of what people say....if they mean what they say...if they really want to be around me or if they’re just pretending like my friend of 15 years did....Or if they’re saying everything good then they’re going behind my back and bitching to their brothers about how much of a bitch I am for not agreeing with them on something.

Is this the reality of people? Not saying I am perfect or I’ve never made mistakes. I know that in every relationship each have their faults but i would of never bagged them for their life choices, appearance, boyfriend simply because they didn’t agree with me. I would of never made them feel like shit for crying when I was sad too. This is my reality now though and the truth is I don’t know when I will feel better. I don’t know if it gets better...okay thats a lie I believe it does...I’d like to believe it does but there are times when I feel like it wont....I think i have some type of depression and I don’t know how to fix it. i’ve lost two people who had a great impact on my life, two people I thought would always ALWAYS be there even if others weren’t and thats fucking hard. It’s so fucking hard. Life is hard right now and I pray to god it gets better because fuck. I am living across the border from the only person who I feel like REALLY cares about me right now, the only person I really want to touch and every body around me makes me feel like I’m suffocating and it’s so fucking HARD. 

Theres a part of being human that I believe is completely destructive in ways that are involuntary. See part of me still misses friend number two...friend number two is the second person I lost before meeting the person who has made my life totally and utterly complete. Friend number two, well him and I weren’t always friends. I played a dangerous game with him, i saw how far I could make him fall, I watched thinking maybe I could fall too but always knowing that i would catch myself before I fell too hard. I never expected to care about him as much as I ended up caring but I did. See he became someone so important to me because he listened to me with so much intent and love and I took it all for granted. I loved him once, not as much as humanly possible but enough to realise what I had lost when it was gone. 

I pushed him away, I told him I couldn’t be what he needed to be and by the third time I thought he’d finally understood because I’d noticed he’d found somebody. But I was wrong because he came back one last time to see if he could be the one to catch me again, to anticipate or aggravate a fall out of me and funnily enough he managed to. I don’t think either of us were expecting me to give in the way that I did but part of me thought: god damn if I can hurt and push and step and cry on this guy as many times as I have he must surely love me to bounce back to me every fucking time despite the fact that even now he has met someone who easily and surely is treating him better. So I fell in love with the moment and his voice all over again thinking this time would be different, this time we would choose each other and it would finally make sense why we went through the hell that we did why I was so confused fighting something that CLEARLY was meant to be right?.....right? WRONG. 

He had reeled me in by the dirtiest hook and not only had he reeled me in from my heart, but he’d ripped it out and then forced it back in with the wound wide open for my blood to spill. This ofcourse was when he decided to tell me a week later he’d slept with her and they were official. See by that time I had put it all together myself that he wasn’t really coming back not as a friend or a lover. I forgot to mention the part where we actually were doing fine as friends before he decided to proclaim his love for me for the 100th time. Okay maybe not hundredth but i’m totally mad. See if he had just decided to be with her and continued treating me as a friend we would of all been fine but instead he opened up a door for me that I had never realised existed (because it didn’t really) and then slammed it in my face again. I then spent 4-5 months of my life trying to pick myself up from that. I’m not saying I was a saint in the situation but at least when I said I was done with you I was done with you. I wasn’t fucking with your head telling you I wanted you when I didn’t. You know straight up. Now you, you came back when you had a girl you fucked with me, then you made if official wit her then you tried to fuck with me again and I ain’t about to get into detail with what happened but it wasn’t right none of it and it hurt so fucking much because i loved you at one point not the real kinda love but it was love nevertheless because you see you can never love somebody the same way you once have loved and thats something you must always remember. 

Never compare people that you have loved in the past never try to find pieces of somebody in somebody else because there is a reason that you are searching for pieces, that has got to mean it became broke at one point and you don’t deserve broke you deserve: full, unconditional, un attention seeking genuine love and that ladies and gentlemen brings me on to the man of my dreams who ofcourse deserves a post of his own and which he will get in time. 

I’ve tried writing up this entry for a while now. I’m not really sure how to put into words whats happening in my life right now but its a mixture of things. I met someone and although I never expected to have met him, and by him i mean the type of guy he is in the place that i did, i’m eternally glad. However there is so much to note before I get to just how and why i am so grateful;

See in the last six months I believe or perhaps a little less I have lost two people in my life that meant the absolute entire world to me. Even typing it makes me want to cry. I thought these two people would always be there for me no matter what life would throw in our direction but I guess i’ve never been more wrong. 

 The first was my best friend of fifteen years or at least she was my best friend i’m not sure i can call her that anymore....you see she forgot my birthday which btw, is not the reason we stopped being friends. It was only the beginning, the opening of the truth, a blind swung open into the reality of how she saw me. We hadn’t spoken properly or seen each other in three months when this happened. I’d noticed she’d been distant since the last time I saw her. The last time I saw her she was telling me about her break up with somebody she’d been dating for two years. That day wasn’t a very good day for me and unfortunately whilst I was trying to be there for her I ended up crying on her bed about an issue of my own. I remember when it happened i regretted doing so but it all just came out of me... and now a much bigger part of me was so glad that I did because if I didn't I would of never had the conversation that changed our relationship forever. I wonder if it was the setting, the place we sat on the couch in my backyard amongst a strong thunder storm and the darkness of the night, or maybe it was her new hair, or the change of tonnes in her voice to the one she used to use when she’d talk to me but, her presence it was...hollow it and so very unrecognisable. Nevertheless she sat there and she said to me ‘I will always be’ her best friend but that day when I was over, I had offended her. i had offended her by talking about my problems when her break up with her boyfriend was the ‘first big thing’ she’s ever dealt with in comparison to me who ‘always’ had a problem’ which btw she ‘can't handle.’ She also mentioned that my technique, a very common technique of trying to relate to her problems by matching them with my own ‘offended’ her because I have ‘never experienced’ what she’s experienced and me comparing my relationships, ‘could never be a real comparison.’ Let me tell you why this pissed me off because just because somebodies life experiences do not match with your own does not mean they are not valid or of importance. Okay maybe  it could mean they’re not in other ways but again how fucking dare you come for me when I was only trying to help. Yes she did identify that i ‘Always mean well’ But that only made things worse, it only made me feel as though I am some dumb stupid child, some emotional mess that can’t see when she is causing a problem for herself. SO fuck you from now on I don’t fucking mean well. I know not all my experiences could compare to a two year relationship where you literally would cry to me about how you had nobody when I was literally right there every day. I was always a call away for you. When you came to my house crying because your stupid boyfriend couldn’t come out with you I told you I would be there, I told you I would go out with you and when he called you ditched me you left me and just because I fucking said that was okay does not mean that you continue to treat me like shit afterwards. Does not mean that you get to call me on a night that I have invited you out to tell me you have no friends anymore and no one cares about you and you have no where to go out to. Doesn't mean that on my birthday you’re allowed to opt out of going to town with me because the clubs aren't up to your fucking stupid standards. Doesn't mean you get to forget my fucking birthday and tell me it was because of something I did months ago, something i would of never meant to do something i tried to fix. So guess what now. now you’ve lost me and no I won’t always be your best friend. Your polaroid pictures  have been ripped from my closet doors, your name has been erased from my phone and whilst I still love you I will not give you anymore tears I will not wait for you to ‘Come to me in your own time’ because fuck you, FUCK YOU. I was so sad, I was so lost looking for you in a room that now I see was always empty. 

I’m back fighting the urges to message you or call you. I vented to some friends about you today. I told them how the last couple of nights have been spent crying over you, and wishing I could say something. I know I can't...I know. If i do it will just open back that cycle I spoke about, where you pretend to care, listen for an hour and then leave me alone and go back to sleep next to her like we never had the conversation. The following days would also include you pretending I don’t exist and going on with your life while I spend random moments thinking about how much I love you, and wondering when I’ll get to speak to you again. I find this all so unfair. The fact that you know every god damn thing about me, from every eye roll to every word I speak, you understand me like no one ever as or alt least you used to and before you just disappeared like I was nothing to you after 8 months of ‘loving’ me. And now I'm left asking myself why the hell I'm still holding on? All it does is bring me pain because I know you don’t love me back, not the way you used to or atleast enough to respond to me when I need you to.

 Do you know how hard it is not to have your best friend? I can’t tell you things that I really want to tell you because you don’t fucking need me anymore. You have her. I’m useless to you, I'm literally just a sideline, a last resort. And I know if I told you this to your face you’d yell at me and you’d say. I CHOSE YOU ONCE I DID. Which is fucking true. You did choose me once. But YOU’RE FORGETTING I came back, I came back for you just like you came back for me. Which would of been perfect except for some fucked up reason you decided you’d also CHOSE HER TOO and then CHOOSE HER AGAIN AFTER ME. I know i’m repeating myself, I’m totally repeating myself. I wouldn’t have given two shits if you chose her and left me out of the equation but you couldn’t help yourself. You’re selfish and you wanted it all and now look. You have left me more broken then I was when we first met. So thank you so FUCKING MUCH. 

And god damn it I am getting so sick of typing my feelings and not screaming them at you but whats the difference you probably wouldn’t say anything back you’d probably let it sit there in your inbox until it was convenient for you to respond and even then, even then you probably wouldn’t say much. You’d prefer to leave me standing there unveiling into a void because its easier than telling me the fucking truth which is that you’ve moved on, you don’t care you don’t feel the way you say you did and that you’re a selfish fucking prick....well maybe I added the last one out of anger but honestly I'm so sick of crying over you and being strong is so much harder than I expected. I know i have no choice, i know i have to be strong but for once i’d just like to be weak, pick up the phone hear your voice and let out a sigh, just for once. I want to pretend you’re still here, that everything okay, that you never left, that she doesn’t exist in our equation but I can’t. I can’t because loving you still, that has become my ultimate weakness and anything more would ultimately destroy me. 

I wana ask what you're doing, I wana call you up just to hear your voice. Just for a moment...so that we can pretend that we're back there. Back to where we fell in love... and I could tell you all these thoughts, I could. But I’m not going to and heres why: 

I'm not going to because it will change nothing. You will still be with her and I will still be here alone at 1:30am thinking about you. Thinking and wondering where it all went wrong? I should of never let you go but the thing is I came back. I came back and I thought that would mean something, count for something. But it didn't mean anything. In the end the only thing that mattered to you was who was going to let you between their legs first? Who was going to give you what you craved. Not who was going to love you like no body has ever loved you, not who came back after everything you’ve been through, not who is the one you have been trying to be with this entire fucking year and FOR WHAT? 

And I know, I know I still wasn’t sure I could be with you despite how much I loved you because of the distance and the mixed feelings in the past but that was not a god damn excuse to give up on us. That was a fucking cry for help, especially when i came back. A cry for you tell me all the god damn reasons why we should be together. And the sad fucking part is you did.  You did tell me why we should be together. Which wouldn’t be a sad thing if you didn’t mislead me into thinking everything was going to be okay....until it wasn't. Until you decided that you wanted me and you wanted her. You slept with her and you shut me out. You shut me out and you only opened that door when you felt it was convenient to you. You let me run into an empty street, arms wide open knowing a bus was coming at full speed and you didn’t care to save me. Ofcourse I, left hungry for your love and neglected by you would run each time excited. So fucking excited, like you never did it, like i never knew, arms wide open and everything ready to hear your voice and hear the lies of what you claimed to feel for me over and over....but now im sitting here ignoring a message that you sent which probably doesn't matter to you but it matters to me so, I’m ignoring you as you stand there by the door waiting for me to take a step closer only so that you can slam it in my face and...and that sad part is. I'm tempted. I'm so tempted to walk infront of the driving bus and the slamming door for you because I think it will be worth it even though I know the ending each time. But I also have a new feeling, a new thought this time, one I think is worth sharing: If he doesn't love you the way you love him. It was never and it certainly is not worth it. Cry until your heart can't cry anymore. Crush your heart in your hand the way he once did, feel the pain, feel it remember it, suffer from it if you have to but do not utter a word to him, do not take a step. Do not be tempted, because it is only a cycle that will break if you are strong. so BE STRONG. 

Your prince charming is coming and he will be the one leaping through doors and outrunning trucks for you. Just have faith. 

Happy New Year!

It was so hard for me to hear your voice again. It was so hard for me to fight the urges of telling you how much I loved and missed everything about us. Hearing your voice and your laugh and knowing it wasn’t mine anymore that hurt me. I knew it was a decision that was unavoidable and it was exactly what you had deserved but it didn’t- it doesn’t change how I feel about you. It doesn’t change how much I want to curl up beside you kiss you sweetly hear your voice in my ear. It doesn’t change how I want to feel your cheeks rising against mine when you laugh or feel your hand run through my hair it just doesn’t change a damn thing. No matter how much pain you put me through no matter how far we are from each other no matter who i’ve kissed after you, you will always have a hold on me. You will be the one who lights my heart on fire and the one who turns it into dust and if I let myself love you anymore then I do I think it will destroy me. 

From the girl whose always smiling. 

You lied when you held my hand

You lied when you pressed your skin against mine

You lied when you let the water run on me more than it ran on you

You lied when you told me you had fallen

You lied when you told me it hurt for you too

You lied when you told me you didn’t know when in reality you knew the entire time. You knew you were never going to love me, you knew that we were always just going to be this; two people standing in the space before love; one thinking they knew the road and the other lost but steering the way.

From the girl whose always smiling. 

He hits you But he loves me.  But he hits you?  Yes but he gave me a home But he hits you. But he has provided me with open arms The same arms that he hits you with? but it’s different he does it for my own good. 

Yes but he hits you? he hits you? That’s like watching him stab you in the heart whilst he tells you that he loves you. 

Love: Love does not strike across the face, loves does not scream in your face, love does not entitle or endure pain,  love does not envy, love does not demand of you, love does not make you feel worthless, love does not make you wonder if you’re good enough, love does not leave you in the corner of the bathroom attempting to quietly sob, suppressing the sounds of your tears as silently they trickle down your face. 

Love does not bleed on the scratch beneath your chin that he left there after you tried to break. from. his. grip. Stop. making. excuses. 

Love: Love is when your heart can not describe it but it is something close to happiness and yet something so much more than happiness. Love is when they hold your hand purely because they want to, love is when you feel the sun sink in your skin, whilst you smell the essence of the grass make its way to your nose. Love is the smile on your face, love is safety, love is equality, love is unconditional, love is painless, love is knowing you aren’t perfect but accepting each other for every bump and imperfection. Love is so much greater than the excuses you believe, love is so much more than what they have given you;

What they have given you is the destruction of you and you must not stand for it.

Words, words have so much power. Power we don’t realise until they are said in the right moment, hitting us in places we never imagined. Words can find themselves in the Crests and cavities of our hearts that we try to ignore, that sometimes we believe have faded, but we realise are very much alive especially when you put your lips there....put your lips there, put your lips on my collar bone, put it on my neck watch my mouth open wide and watch it fail to close and without uttering a sound you know, you know how much I love it. You can see it from the way my lips curve and open and shut and I can see, I can see when you’re going to press your love against my skin to my chest and you tell me you can see my heart. You can see it is a heart of gold that never stops beating for others. Of course you can’t really but you can watch as my mouth lets out heavy breaths and I cup your head in my hands that my heart is glowing and in that moment our words are nothing and that is everything. So you just let your mouth do the work always let your mouth do the work. Let it tell me what I never herd but finally hear and realise I always needed. Let your your mouth run back up my neck and find a spot I didn’t realise could be found but now that it has been I never want to stop and just love me with your words, or without but just love me.