last podcast on the left sentence starters, pt 6
↪ taken from various episodes. alter as you see fit. trigger warnings for death, blood mentions
“i always ruin surprise parties.”
“so where are we at on the ‘fucked’ scale? from ‘oh my god, i forgot to dvr wheel last night’ to ‘there are spiders in my colostomy bag’?”
“‘small amount of beef’ - that’s gonna be name of my comedy special.”
“the spiders are circling the colostomy bag at this point.”
“they didn’t make this look good.”
“we’ve reached the ‘fucked’ level of ‘i locked my keys inside ‘cause i just got out of the shower and thought i’d heard and intruder so i stepped outside but now i’m locked out and nude.’”
“… can i just say it’s not good?”
“don’t have any hope, at all.”
“you would have killed so many people.”
“where did those rumours start?”
“i can see aleister crowley being the bottom to winston churchill …”
“this is NOT ‘beetlejuice’!”
“i don’t think a professional fisherman has filled out a census since the beginning of the census!”
“at first, the beginning of the haunting was somewhat cute.”
“it’s 2x2 so if you can’t fit in there, too bad, it’s your fucking sanctum!”
“[name] got even more annoying after eating the poison.”
“he still spent thirty minutes sighing and moaning.”
“why? why are you screaming?”
“i did it for the devilment.”
“fuck the government! i think we should burn down the white house.”
“i’ll follow her wherever you move her!”
“what’s marital relationship?”
“stop it, i don’t want to know! i’m trying to have plausible deniability.”
“if i saw james cordon from ‘cats’ on my lawn, i’d shoot it in the fucking stomach so it would die slow.”
“that’s a fun way to get in trouble.”
“she can never be on the yearbook squad after this.”
“ooh, now you’re on board, buddy!”
“i don’t mean to stay long, as i don’t like you.”
“i have a goddamn cough.”
“it ain’t cheating if you got the same dick size.”
“i don’t like it. i don’t like that concept.”
“i am such a fan of the hippo because i think they only kill when they’re sad.”
“they are very depressed.”
“think about how much fun a hippo fight would be if they were the size of dogs! they could fight for hours.”
“the fight would only last a minute until [name] bashed his head against the ground and his brains would just be … a puddle in their hands.”
“if [name] was the size of a toddler - with all his normal attributes - vs a chicken … now that would be a fun fight!”
“it sounded like he got real boring ‘cause all he took was acid but he did it alone.”
“it was worse than ‘the shining’ because he didn’t even write a sentence; he just stared out the window and licked his own guns.”
“i had a dream i was in the doom patrol. it was fucking great. i woke up in a FANTASTIC mood.”
“you can get comatosed at any time!”
“now we hear corpses screaming all the time.”
“that makes me wanna scream.”
“you ever do that thing with your loved one where you pretend to be dead just to get a rise out of them?”
“quit asking questions or i’m gonna smack your neck!”
“nothing like a surprise double mastectomy to really ruin a quilt group.”
“why bury your mum when all that does is just grow more mothers?”
“you can’t just, like, plant a mummy seed and have a whole mummy crop!”
“this is actually kinda comfortable. this would be a nice grave.”
“my mum does long-con games where she tries to poison people.”
“i’ll show you how much i don’t wanna dance by turning my foot into a wonton.”
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