Better Than Schindler's

1. 5 Nail Polishes That’ll Make Him Reconsider His Stance on Market Capitalism

Listicle: will go through 5 nail polishes, draw connections to theories on Market Capitalism. Ex: “Change the ‘Hansen’ on your bottles to ‘Mae’ that way, every time he sees one lying around he’ll be reminded that most of the young working class is in crippling debt for a service that should be free!”

2. So You Want to Be A Famous TV Dancer Person!

News: Will give advice on how to make a living by dancing on a reality TV show, but everything will be impractical & expensive. Ex: “Move to an industry town like New York or LA. Hire a professional make up artist, you never know who you might run into!”

3. 6 Tips to Make Your Funeral Sexy and Fun! (For Everyone Else)

Listicle: Tips to Make Your Funeral Sexy and Fun. Ex: “Spray a perfume with an aphrodisiac base (like cinnamon or oysters) at all entrances and exits to get guests in the mood!”

4. 9 Feminine Ways to Remind People They Owe You Money!

Listicle: Advice playing with the idea that women are non-confrontational and always want to be liked. Ex: “Always remember to place your request for the money you’re owed inside a compliment sandwich! Such as, ‘Your hair looks so beautiful today do you have the 800 dollars I lent you for rent have you lost weight?”

5. One Crazy Trick To Charging Your Phone (Hint: It Has To Do With Your Charger!)

One-liner

6. 17 Uses for That Oversized Rotting Piece of Wood You Made Everyone Help you Carry Back From The Beach

One-liner

7. 7 Halloween Costumes that Let Him Know You Like Alternative Cinema and Are Also Getting Over a Yeast Infection

Slideshow: Photoshopped pictures of famous alt cinema characters with a piece of bread on them. Ex: “Bunny Boy from Gummo. You get a rabbit costume and safety pin a piece of bread to the outside. Lets him know you’re adventurous with a hometown vibe, but also an imbalance of bacteria.”

8. 4 Movies to Watch on Netflix that Let Him Know: “I Just Want to Be Friends, Please Don’t Try to Finger Me”

Slideshow: Helping girls navigate ambiguous hookup situations Ex: “The Parent Trap. Keep saying ‘that’s us!!!’ Every time both sisters are on the screen.”

9. How to Train Your Dog and Boyfriend at the Same Time

Listicle: Mocking the cultural narrative about relationships that you ‘train’ your ‘man’/that men are dogs. Ex: “Reward behavior immediately. Be it with a strip of fake bacon or a strip of real bacon, your dog and your man should know when they’ve pooped in the right place or if they’ve spoken at the right time.”

10. 9 Easy Potato Recipes Where You Just Boil the Potatoes

-dresses you don't have to wear a bra with

-having a father who cares about recent culture and my opinons

-stand up as relief and art

-the song Let's Stay Together by Al Green

-grocery stores in New Orleans for selling liquor

-having a boyfriend who truly listens and continues to have complicated, difficult conversations about feminism with me

-toyota corollas

-a brain that allows me to separate respect for my idols while also housing the knowledge that they probably (or definitely) hate women

-anyone who encourages me to share my ideas

-varied concepts of love

-Molly Ruben-Long for being an incredible person & comedian & friend & buyer of one of the most delicious lunches I've ever had

-Mike Cockrill and Ellen Lubell for loving their daughter Rachel enough to buy her tickets to Rihanna for her birthday

-Rachel Cockrill for loving me enough to ask me to go with her to a Rihanna concert that's happening tonight where I'm going to see Rihanna in person tonight Rihanna

-all women

-Beauty and the Geek for existing in the first place, and also for putting all their seasons on Youtube for easy consumption

-wordpress.com

-my fish for continuing to live

-the rain for allowing me to be late to work today

-the show Chopped

-Jessica Alba's whole career

-Brita filters

-bell hooks

-carrots

-anyone who's ever complimented me

-books

-tequila

1. Your ankles are so thin normally! Cut'em some slack they are doing a great job!

2. I really liked the second season of Kimmy Schmidt, whiteface & all

3. I love painting! But it is hard to do when most of your lower body is elevated

4. Netflix has a lot of good Queen Latifah movies

5. Ice melts both slower and faster than you think

6. You don't need all your mobility to make hamburgers!

7. I can make hamburgers!

8. I am very vain and it would take a lot to get me to use crutches

9. I am not however above telling a stranger I sprained my ankle so I don't have to sit in the balcony of a show

10. People walk very fast especially tall people/boys/dogs

11. My boyfriend really loves me he's not just kidding

12. The ankles are the eyes of the leg (if you're like 'what about thighs???' the thighs are the mouth)

13. Beauty and the Geek UK will not fill the hole in your heart the American one has left

14. I tense up when I drive

15. Most people who work at Walmart are trying their best

16. My fish has a lot going on I did not know about

17. Just because you can't see the back of your legs doesn't mean they're not there

18. Sometimes if you tell an acquaintance at a bar you sprained your ankle they will give you a loose Percocet

19. Then when you ask, "what are the side effects of these?" and they say "they're incredibly addictive" you have to just give it away (in an Rx Pay It Forward) because life is scary enough already

20. Alcohol is great!!!

21. I hate alcohol

22. Zac Efron shouldn't be allowed to do serious roles

23. He's just not good in them

24. Showering is important even if it's tricky (Sit down! Take your time!)

25. You can call people on the phone

26. Let your mom know what the doctor said! She is worrying!!

27. If you have to wear socks & sneakers when you go out just wear all black. People will probably think it's Beyonce's athleisure wear and that you are a groundbreaking trendsetter

28. You should probably clean your room

29. If you can, sprain your ankle in the summer when your school job is over so you can rest properly without having to take time off work. Also, in general just have long stretches of time where you have no responsibilities in case something like this happens

30. Walking to your car alone at night, limping, probably was a bad idea

31. Try not to snap at everyone who asks "How's your ankle doing?" They are just being nice and don't understand what an exercise in futility this is. Just lol and say "still sprained!"

32. Sext bc that's all you can do

-analyzes weird texts

-catalogues a list of all your crushes

-reminds you which Drew Barrymore movies you haven't seen in a while

-texts your mom and/or boyfriend a smiley face & heart every 36 hours

-likes Patrick Dempsey

-plays The Vagina Monologues while you sleep

-will never date one of your exes

-tells you 1 new way you can use cucumber each day

-has ideas about summer hairstyles

And Of Course:

-Taking a shower

-Watching Black Mirror

-My portable speaker

-Grilling

-Cumming

-Some pants

-Trucks

-Bald headed men

-Beards

-His name

-People who love their dogs

-Skating

-The Walking Dead

-Falling asleep with your laptop on the bed

-Prostate

-Reba

-Painting Houses

-Writing sometimes

-Certain movies

-Stupid Kristen Stewart

-Helen Mirren

-Large pancakes

-Certain parts of Twitter

Brain: Can we sleep?

Body: Can we go for a walk or something?

Laptop: I have access to miniature movies about a world where the technology we use today is advanced just a little further & how that will create horrors we haven't even dreamed of yet

Me: That one!!

Dennis: Done coke in a J.Crew

Mac: Fucked in a car

Charlie: Tried poppers

Dee: Masturbates to the lifeguard scene in The Sandlot

Frank: Get most of your sustenance from gas station sausage

Any of the McPoyles: Have used milk during sex

-Heist

-A Man Apart

-The City of Violence

-Swordfish

-Redemption

-Way of the Gun

-Encino Man

-Bad Education

-Righteous Kill

-Breathless

-Knockaround Guys

-Tideland

-The Salton Sea

-Jarhead

-Suicide Kings

-Angela's Ashes

-The Dark Crystal

-Memories

-Igby Goes Down

-Heat

-Deuces Wild

-The Sleeping Dictionary

-Perfume: The Story of a Murderer

-Rust and Bone

-Crazy Heart

-Ace Ventura: The Pet Detective

-Beerfest

-30 Days of Night

-Ice Age

-Dreamgirls

-Mama Mia!

-Bottle Rocket

-Romeo+Juliet

If you fancy: Commander’s Palace

If you Jewish: Shaya

If you just got here and wanna know what it’s all about: Parasol’s

If you have 7 dollars and are immortal: Cajun Seafood

If you have 3 dollars and don’t care if you die: Hank’s

If you have a salaried position and like things with shells: Superior Seafood

If your mom’s here and she’s Middle Eastern and an amazing cook with high standards: 1000 Figs

If tacos are important to you: Rum House

If you’re a cool vegan: Siberia

If you’re a bougie vegan and/or ”in it for the gram”: Carmo

If you want Indian (there’s only one): Nirvana

If your favorite part of baseball games was the food: Dat Dog

If you like Gordon Ramsey but have never eaten a bug: Fharmacy

If your friend is leaving town and you want to cry in public but don’t want anyone to stare at you: Chill Out Café

If you’ve never had Tunisian food: Jamila’s

If you've never had Ethiopian food: Nile

If your brother lived in Asia for two years and wants Chinese: Red’s Chinese

If you want to not move for three days: Company Burger

If you want to not move for two days: Willie Mae’s Scotch House

If Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was real to you: MidCity Pizza

If it’s important to you to eat salad while you eat pizza: Pizza Delicious

If decisions are hard for you but you like fries: Kebab

If you’ve ever said the word “flatbread”: Salu (which actually now I'm seeing is permanently closed!! No flatbread for you!!)

If someone else is paying: Jacque-Imo’s

If you want Vietnamese: Pho Noi Viet

If you want Vietnamese: Lost Love Lounge

If you want Vietnamese: Mint

If you want Vietnamese: Lilly’s

If you want a side of Fuck You with your bagel: Stein’s

If you’re having a bad day and the only thing that will make you feel better is eating sushi immediately: Rouses

If you want to feel rich at 3:00pm: Domenica

If you have laundry: Babylon

If you’re going out with your friend’s parents: Oxalis

If you’re going out with your improv troupe/book club/salsa class/trivia team: Twelve Mile Limit

If vegetables are not important to you: The Big Cheezy

If you’ve ever made a sandwich with Brie on it: Satsuma

If you’re currently in the middle of a blackout: Gene’s

If you don’t have Enochlophobia: The Joint

If you want to see Kirsten Dunst while you’re eating tapas: Bacchanal

If you specifically don’t want to see Kirtsten Dunst while you’re eating tapas: Mimi’s

If you want to have a crush on every person in a 5 mile radius: Pagoda Café

My Grandma about White Castle: Your Grandpa used to get twelve of them on the way back from a game at Ebbett's field and the smell would wake me up‬

‪Me: He would eat all twelve right then?‬

‪Grandma: NO I was married!‬!

1/2 cup The Office

2 tbs of crying yourself to sleep

3 cups (diced) living every week like it's shark week

1 pound Arrested Development

1/2 a block of night cheese

1 tsp Mickey Rourke

Spoonful of a McFlurry and Catholic guilt

2 hollow bones (Ouch! My bones)

18 mind grapes

Half an episode of Frajer

1/3 cup turtle meat

.5 lb Jenna's side (I'm not hearing it)

2 hooks for hands, melted

16 oz plastic bag that represents your mortality

.5 oz HAM

1 pinch standing in line like some Italian

2 cups of a blood feud with a high school girl at the King of Prussia mall (WITH Fat Vicky)

17 jellybeans from Reagan's tomb

3 instances of poisoning someone you love to see that hot paramedic again

1/3 cup writing your feelings on a trucker hat

1 million lemons

Finish with a Blimpie sandwich put in a blender, drizzled over the top

Something unendingly frustrating to me is that whenever sexism is being discussed some dude, or Donna Karen, always comes out of the woodwork to argue that they're 'totally not sexist at all' but that women who post revealing pictures, or dress a certain way, or flirt, or do PORN, or "flaunt" their sexuality, are discluded from being treated with respect because they are opening themselves up to this/"asking for it."

This seems to be a PARTICULARLY tricky concept for some people to grasp, but women are allowed to have sex! Since like, the 1960's! Women are ALLOWED to have sex (our dads said we could!!!) and do whatever they want with their bodies as long as they are comfortable with it. It's their body! That doesn't include you!! Despite every movie poster and Axe commercial ever made, women's bodies are not public property. If someone choses to share sexy photos of themselves (and you're fucking lucky they do!!), that's not an invitation, that's the whole thing! As a human being you are allowed to want sexual attention and not be harassed for it! Everyone wants sexual attention some of the time (unless they're asexual, god bless em) it's part of living on this big blue marble!! It's still up to individuals to decide who it's with. Guys seem to think that if women dress like they want to be fucked then they revoke their right to consent.

Men: Women are really emotional and dramatic