Nick & Ben's Better Living Through Lists

1. Carl's Jr.

2. The 2002 Colorado Rockies 

3. Matthew McConaughey's comeback

4. Eggs 

5. That way you feel right when a movie ends and the lights come up and you think, "Oh yeah, this is my life," before standing up and heading for your car.

1. Right when I wake up.

2. Shortly after lunch.

3. When I accidentally look at my body.

4. Mid list.

5. While convincing myself it's okay to eat the McNuggets.

6. After eating the McNuggets.

1. Buy a "Kiss Me, I'm Irish!" shirt. Cross out Irish. Write "Gay."

2. Invent a time machine. Travel to your father's prom night. Tell him how great it is to be gay.  Maybe sell it a little too well. Fade from existence.

3. Back a dump truck full of the cereal Oreo O's up to your parents' door. Knock on the door. When they open it, flood their house with Oreo O's. Rescue them. Come out of the closet. Share a bowl of Oreo O's.

4. Find a special girl, date her for years, marry her at an expensive (but tasteful) ceremony. After a decade or so, give your parents the gift of grandchildren. Live a life of quiet, stressful desperation. Wait for your parents' deaths. Visit their graves a year after their respective burials. Whisper the truth to them. It has all been a lie. It was always a lie. 

1. "Tie your shoes at night, harvest the wheat at dawn." 

2. "Five men eat a steak and four of them feel sick."

3. "A birth at sea - a redhead for thee. A birth on land - then it's probably gay." 

4. "The pillow, like the tortoise, is slow but dependable."

1. Tinkopedes

2. Razorfins 

3. Furbs 

4. Garrett Dillihunts

5. Mega Flies 

6. Trumpetars 

1) Fartington? More like Farts A Ton!

2) I bet potatoes are ashamed to share a name with you.

3) The King of the Farts called – he wants his last name back.

4) Aren't spuds supposed to live underground?

5) Your initials are SF, just like the gayest city in America.

1. Lunch! - Three homeless men compete in city wide scavenger hunt. The winner gets a three day old ham sandwich. (Please Note: Prize may vary/not exist.)

2. A Picture's Worth a Thousand Swords - Ten of the world's best photographers fight to the death. The winner gets to live. 

3. My Gay Son - These seven father's didn't think they had a gay son. They were wrong. Winner gets another gay son. 

1) Make yourself a BLT sandwich. Add one tablespoon of sand. Drop it on the floor.

2) Sit next to a lamp. Read a book. Slowly remove the lampshade.

3) Line your bathtub with swiss chard and broken bottles. Fill it with ice water. Step in and out of the tub over the course of three hours.

4) Open two search windows. In one type “topless old women.” In the other type “topless hot chicks.” Close the second window.

5) Set your oven to 250 degrees. Carefully remove the oven grates. Take turns lightly burning unexpected parts of your body.

6) Ask a friend to watch you take a nap. As soon as you're asleep, have them drop a volleyball on your face and then apologize profusely.

1. Too Much Red Meat - Guilty Pleasure!

2. That Second Slice of Birthday Cake - I've Got a Sweet Tooth! 

3. Big Macs - My Secret!

4. Sand - Yum!

5. Genesis CDs - A Moment on The Lips, A Lifetime on the Hips :P

6. Sulfuric Acid - It Hurts So Good! 

1. Tin Men

2. Egg Faces

3. Scroz

4. Goat Necks

1) Pick a direction and then move in that direction until no longer inside prison.

2) Use the emergency exit.

3) Write a bestseller called “How To Break Out Of Prison.” At your first book signing, slip out the back door.

4) Ask the new guy to let you out.

5) Have a friend bake a file into a birthday cake. Eat the file. Death is its own escape.

6) I guess something having to do with tunnels?

7) Good behavior.

1. “Conservative and liberal pundits alike have trouble accepting that Christie could be simultaneously villainous and chivalrous, kindhearted and bullying, but I believe the Governor has room inside himself for both manners of person.”

2. “If a man like William Howard Taft can be President – what with his alienating assault on tariff rates, passage of the 16th amendment, and support for Dollar Diplomacy – then surely Chris Christie is at least a plausible candidate.”

3. “Whatever the Governor's role in the Fort Lee lane closures, I can't help but imagine that both the scandal and its potential repercussions weigh heavily upon him.”

4. “I believe Governor Christie has made it clear that, within the political arena of New Jersey, there is room for him and him alone in the spotlight, and any challengers will be squeezed out.”

5. “Governor Christie, in his ravenous efforts to slash funding to progressive organizations while bolstering his own pet projects' coffers, has feasted upon teachers' salaries, Legal Aid benefits, and food stamp expansions.”

6. "Whether the impact is ultimately positive or negative for the GOP, we can all agree that Governor Christie's entry into the Republican primary is sure to tip the scales."

1. Millard Fillmore - Greatest Accomplishment: A proven alchemist, his ability to turn base metals into gold proved a boon for the 1850s' economy. 

2. Dwight D. Eisenhower - Greatest Accomplishment: Was instrumental in furthering the dog's domestication in the continental 48.

3. James Garfield - Greatest accomplishment: Developed a pretty rocking risotto recipe.  

1. THREATENING THE PRESIDENT’S LIFE ON THE INTERNET just takes up time that you could be doing other fun things, like playing Uno with a friend or watching a Police Academy marathon. 

2. Want to be a comptroller? Who would vote for you if you THREATENED THE PRESIDENT’S LIFE ON THE INTERNET?

1. A

2. B

3. C

4. D

5. E

6. F

7. G

8. H

9. I

10. J

11. K

12. L

13. M

14. O

15. P

16. Q

17. R

18. S

19. T

20. U

21. V

22. W

23. X

24. Y

1) A tornado is rapidly approaching, and other forms of shelter - a dumpster, a sewer, a culvert, a Robeks - are unavailable.

2) A dark wizard forces you to choose between being magically transported to Dachau in 1942 and a Jamba Juice, and then mishears your answer.

3) Inside that Jamba Juice is a smaller, better juice store.

4) You are a prehistoric man frozen during the Ice Age, you have just awoken into the Jamba Juice built around you, and - terrified and confused by the modern world - you require at least thirty extra seconds to realize you’re in a Jamba Juice.

5) You’re involved in a city-wide spitfall fight, and you’re running dangerously low on straws.

6) You are an inanimate object in a Jamba Juice - such as a napkin dispenser or stool - and without consciousness or mobility you lack the capacity to leave.

7) It is the year 2154 and “In A Jamba Juice” is now slang for not dying from radiation poisoning. 

8) You are shopping for your enemy.

9) You suffer from a rare neurological condition whereby you can’t tell the difference between Jamba Juices and stores that don’t sell you liquid diarrhea.

1. Would frequently chew with her mouth open

2. Often wore Pashminas

3. Kept calling Barack Obama “Barry” 

4. Refused to let me explore polyamory

5. That one thing that happened with her brother

6. Favorite book was Everything Is Illuminated