You deserve an Oscar

Summary: Grace settles into Erid life pretty easily. Rocky struggles to do the same.

Notes: Grace/Rocky, Rocky/Adrian, Grace & Adrian, hurt/comfort, grief, therapy, cuddling, Rocky POV

“I need to sleep,” I force the words out, wobbly and discordant, but Grace understands me anyway. He beckons me to the couch, and we sit down. I press into his side and keen. He holds me, cradles me as best he can, legs spread so I can rest between them.

“Talk to me, Rock, what’s wrong?” Grace urges me, his voice that same sickeningly soft timbre Adrian’s was. Is it so obvious how fragile I am right now? “Rocky. Love.” I shake my carapace and hold one of his hands as I succumb to sleep.

Grace is still next to me when I wake up, his blanket tossed over us both. He smiles at me as I stretch. “You were really tired, huh?”

“What time, question?” 

“11 pm. You slept for like 12 hours, bud.”

“Long… Apology, I took over your day.” Grace huffs a laugh and shakes his head.

“Gave me an excuse to lounge around all day, how can I be mad at that?” He lowers the volume of the TV, the familiar drone of a documentary fading into background noise. He folds his arms over his chest, readying himself to scold me. “Adrian visited while you were asleep. Caught me up on something that maybe I should be mad about…”

“Grace—”

“Using me like that’s really not cool, Rocky.”

That is my big takeaway from Jax's story in The Amazing Digital Circus, and I love it. I can accept that people will have varying opinions on Jax, on his actions and inner self, and how he changed the circus irrevocably thanks to his choices.

But despite that, I need people to get that this is a story that should be told.

Spoilers below, scroll away if you haven't watched the finale.

Jax is a tragedy. He is a queer person stuck in a body they never asked for, a world they cannot escape from, and with a mind that cannot relax enough in this situation to accept himself or his current life. He hides behind a mask of his own making, and when it slips it terrifies him to the point of hurting whoever saw his true self shine through. He is a failure to thrive, be it the cause of his environment or himself or a mix of the many hurdles we all face when trying to hide from our truth. He is a quintessential LGBTQ+ story personified, even if people don't like to acknowledge that some stories are not good, are not kind. He couldn't accept himself, and it tore him and the people he cared about apart until there was nothing left.

Jax is also a happy ending, not in the circus, but outside of it. The real Jax, the person his circus copy came from, did not get his counterpart's tragic ending. He had the opportunity to grow and learn and become the person he wanted to be, or at least he's begun on that path. He's found friends with whom he can be honest, and he's found his place in the world. He accepted himself, proven through the confirmation that he frequents the real-life Zooble's bar, which is confirmed to be a queer social spot, the sort of place Jax from the circus wouldn't be caught dead in. The Jax outside is a version of him the circus version could never fathom becoming.

Summary: Grace has lofty goals to start a farm on Erid with seeds gathered from crew meals. Adrian and Rocky give him a hand.

Notes: Grace & Rocky friendship, Grace & Adrian friendship, gardening, cooking

Ch 3

“What are you making, question?” Rocky finally steps into the kitchen, hovering behind me as he taps his claws on the floor. 

“Mint tea. You boil water, add mint leaves to it, let it steep for 10 minutes, and then drink it.”

“What is word before for, question?”

“Steep. You let the leaves soak in the water, and their flavor will make the water taste like them. You have to let it sit for a while for the flavor to spread.”

“So more waiting,” Rocky chitters and shakes his carapace in disapproval. “Adrian will be annoyed.”

“Probably,” I laugh along with him. For an Eridian who waited hundreds of their years for their mate to come back, Adrian really isn’t all that patient. I think Rocky is just their one exception. 

Adrian bounds back into the kitchen a minute later, excitedly offering me their fistfuls of mint. I take them and set them to the side, grabbing a beaker and dropping them into it. The water has just reached a boil, so I grab the handle and, as carefully as I can, I dump it into the beaker. Adrian trills as they listen to the water slosh, the leaves twisting and twirling before they start to settle. 

“Now what, question?” They ask, and I try to hold back my amusement. 

“Now we wait.”

Adrian immediately stomps and huffs, as expected. “All humans do is wait! So much waiting when your lifespan so short, how does anything get done, question?” I’m too busy laughing to answer, and Rocky comes to the rescue. He sidles up to Adrian’s hulking form, cooing at them as he pets their carapace.

Summary: Grace has lofty goals to start a farm on Erid with seeds gathered from crew meals. Adrian and Rocky give him a hand.

Notes: Grace & Rocky friendship, Grace & Adrian friendship, gardening, cooking

Ch 1

“Looking up tools Grace will need to farm, making plans for how to do with Eridian science. Grace want one of these, question?” He points at the screen, and I laugh at the sight of a humongous farm tractor.

“I don’t think I’ll need something that big, bud. I’m gonna start small enough that I can tend to it alone.”

“Adrian will want to help,” Rocky grumbles.

“Okay, small enough for me and Adrian, then. I think we’ll manage without a tractor. But planning for tools is a great idea, thank you! Let’s go over some stuff I’ll definitely need; you can work from that.”

“Good good,” Rocky hums and waits as I grab my laptop and settle down on the floor next to him. “How much space will farm need, question?”

I pull up my half-done plans, sighing as I look over them. “Hard to say. It all depends on how much I can stretch my Earth soil to make Erid dirt viable, if it stands a chance at all. I can’t say for sure until I’ve had a chance to learn what makes up your dirt. I expect a higher amount of minerals, fair chance for heavy metals, which could cause a problem depending on which ones and just how much. Let’s say in an ideal circumstance, we’re looking to make around 50 square meters to start. I’ll have to save some soil for seed starters.”

“What will farm need to grow besides dirt, question?”

“Water, sun, and a good temperature. All things we can manage pretty easily, right?” Rocky hums in agreement. “So really, the soil and the actual seeds will be the holdups.”

“And Grace health.”

Summary: Grace gets a culture teacher whose ideals are a little archaic. Rocky finds out a little too late.

Notes: Grace/Rocky, Rocky POV, Protective Rocky, mild hurt/comfort

“Well…” Grace squeezes one of his arms as he rotates slowly. “Maybe you could make another room for me for eating?”

What? I’m shocked at the suggestion, completely. Grace has never been private about his eating habits, even in the very early days of us meeting. It had disgusted me, watching him eat in the airlock so openly back then, but I’ve been slowly getting used to it with time. It’s different for our species, and I have to acknowledge that, even if I find it gross still. But Grace has never been bothered by the idea of me hearing him eat before. 

“Why would you need that, question?” 

Grace frowns, bites at his lower lip. Another nervous habit. “I dunno, I just thought it’d be the polite thing to do. Good practice to stop myself from eating in front of other Eridians too, if I have a designated place to eat.”

“Who complained about you eating, question?” Someone must’ve said something. He’s had so many visitors in the last couple of days. Who was it? Grace has never questioned this part of himself. Grace huffs at me.

“No one! I’m just trying to be polite! Eridians have special soundproof eating rooms, shouldn’t I?”

“You are not Eridian!” 

He doesn’t need to meet our standards; he’s his own species! Some things he might need to change in his daily life to adapt to Erid life, but his food habits don’t need to be one of them. My words don’t comfort Grace like I thought they would. Grace shrinks into himself, and I wish I were on his side to hug him.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” He mumbles, and then it’s like the thought simply washes away as he returns to a smile and puffs out his chest. “How’s the prototype going?”

“Fine.” So-so, really, but it’s not important right now. “You changed the subject, tell me why you want to hide when eating!”

Summary: Grace really struggles with his new daily life. Rocky and Adrian help him figure it out.

Notes: Grace and Rocky friendship, Grace and Adrian friendship, suicidal ideations, hurt/comfort, Grace POV

I get the gun out again. The heaviness of it feels kind of comforting this time. There’s a pounding in my head, a steady drum. It’s getting louder and louder, and I need it to stop. I need it all to stop. I will never know the touch of another person again. Does the Earth miss me? Does anyone think of me, Ryland Grace, the middle school science teacher? Are there even any people left to miss anyone? What the fuck am I doing here?

The bullets slide in nicely. I kind of wish it were a revolver so I could spin the barrel and let fate decide. The pounding is frantic now. My body aches, my stomach feels like something is clawing at me from the inside. When did I eat last? Who cares, less mess for the cleanup crew. What a failure of first contact I am. I have everything I could possibly need, and it’s just not enough. Sorry, Erid. Sorry, Earth. …Sorry, Rocky.

“Lazy human! Answer door when I knock! You insist on human manners, then don’t follow them, stupid!”

I look up with a start as Rocky enters the room. For a moment, I think I’m hallucinating. He freezes in the doorway, alternating between arms as he clacks his fingers and tilts his carapace towards me like a curious dog. “Grace, question?”

“Hey, Rocky,” I choke out. My throat feels tight, and I can feel the tears beginning to burn. “Long time no see.”

–

Welp. I’m on suicide watch.

Summary: 5 times Rocky feels something for Grace, 1 time he does something about it.

Notes: Grace and Rocky friendship, eventual relationship, falling in love, getting to know each other, Rocky POV

Chapter 6

The dome stretches out in front of me, even with my senses I don’t quite reach the other side. “Is this too big, do you think? We can’t sense all the way through. What if something happens and Grace is out of range for whoever is overseeing?”

“You worry too much,” Adrian brushes against me, trying to comfort me. “I believe the plan is to have many Eridians watch together from different angles, he will never be fully out of someone’s senses. Plus we will have many ways to gauge the different issues that could arise. His ambient temperature, oxygen level, and more. Not to mention, our home will be connected too. I expect we will be close enough to check on him ourselves more often than not.”

“You’re right, of course.”

“It’s good to be extra careful, though, I agree,” Adrian shifts slightly. “Shall we check the progress on our home, too?”

“Yes! You had things brought from the old home, right?” We walk along the cliffside. It overhangs part of the shore, high, but not so much that it’d be terrible trouble were Grace to slip. I’m excited to see what remains of my and Adrian’s prior home, but before we get near the tunnel, I see three Eridians rushing across the stony shore, stumbling in their haste.

“Savior Rocky!” One of them shouts for me.

A fear rushes through me. There’s only one reason I’d be getting called in such fervor. “Something’s happened to Savior Grace!” Another calls out, and now I’m running. Adrian rushes behind me, but I’ve always been faster. I don’t wait to hear the issue, it doesn’t matter. I need to get there. Something’s happened.

Summary: 5 times Rocky feels something for Grace, 1 time he does something about it.

Notes: Grace and Rocky friendship, eventual relationship, falling in love, getting to know each other, Rocky POV

Chapter 5

“You’re being stupid.”

Grace floats by, swatting lightly at my arm. I bat him away, and he spins, giggling as he slows. “I’m not being stupid. I’m worried.” I pace, or as much as I can in zero gravity, which is basically not at all. I don’t bother with the magnet anymore, I know Grace will push me wherever I need to go if I can’t get the momentum to get there myself. “Everything has changed. I have changed. I don’t know anything about Adrian anymore.”

“Will it matter? Do you think there’s anything Adrian reasonably could’ve done in the time you were away that would make you stop loving them?”

“...No.”

“Exactly. And I bet Adrian feels the same. Who wouldn’t love you, Rock?”

There’s an awkward beat of time after that. We’ve been having more of these lately. I’m partly at fault, but can I be blamed for the surprise whenever someone as incredible as Grace says things like that about me?

Grace clears his throat and pushes off the side of the wall to propel himself towards the ladder. “Well, uh, I’m gonna go choke down some Taumoeba. Have fun down there, don’t stay out too late or you’ll turn into a pumpkin!”

“What, question?”

“Nothing, gotta go mark Cinderella down on our watch list. Go! Don’t make Adrian wait too long.”

Summary: 5 times Rocky feels something for Grace, 1 time he does something about it.

Notes: Grace and Rocky friendship, eventual relationship, falling in love, getting to know each other, Rocky POV

Chapter 4

Grace smiles easily at the additional praise and crawls back over to his thinking machine. I follow. “You say that, but we’re over halfway there, remember? I should have some way to communicate before we arrive.”

“I’ll be talking, easy to translate for you. Save us both time.”

“Well, sure, but you’re not always gonna be there, right?” 

I straighten up at that. I’m not? That’s news to me. Why wouldn’t I be? “Will be there,” I assure him, and he shrugs his shoulders. A non-reply, what do I take from that? “Grace, why would I not be there, question?”

“I mean,” He blows air out and turns his head to me. “I don’t want to keep you stuck. Once we get there, you’ll finally be home! You need time, need to see everyone. See Adrian, your family, your community.” Grace looks back at his computer, frowning. “If I know enough simple Eridian by the time we get to Erid, you won’t have to worry about leaving.”

How long has Grace been thinking about this? I can understand his thought process, but I can’t believe he’d actually expect that of me. “Not leaving you alone,” I hope my anger comes through, and it seems to, with the surprise in his expression as he looks back at me. “You are important. You are my community, too.”

His face softens. “Rocky, it’ll be over 50 years. 50 years you’ve been away by the time we arrive on Erid. Are you telling me you don’t want to get back to your old life as soon as possible? I would!”

“Lie, you would not leave me.”