I did my waiting.

These are all excerpts from her book. She literally says the point isn’t to “declutter” or throw things away, it’s to be thoughtful about the things you want to have in your home.

The Mysterious White Wire!™ —A James Woods Conspiracy

Or as others might call it… 

A Shirt Crease!™ —A Frogman Reality

I have sooo many questions. As in, I have like… four questions. 

What is it connected to? What would that device even do? Why not use wireless tech? Why isn’t it under the shirt?

Sadly, this blurry video of another video was enough to start a trending hashtag and myriad other cheating conspiracies. 

Let us take a journey together. A trek into the #JoeWired hashtag where you will see firsthand the smoothbrain’d conspiracy-mongers in action. 

Shall we?

The Case of the Magic Eyeballs!™ —A LindaF Ocular Machination

Unnatural eye movements? Reading the air? Smart lenses? Neat! How very sci-fi we are getting already. But do smart lenses even exist?

Yes, this is a real technology being developed, but there are no working prototypes and the R&D phase is expected to last for several more years. The picture above is a prop and the concept lenses are bulky and very noticeable.

So smart lenses are out. Though that would have been really cool.

Moving on to the next conspiracy…

Intravenous Adrenaline!™ —A SoulFliesFree Reminder

Ah yes, I almost forgot about his performance enhancing drugs. Taking a pill before the event wasn’t good enough. He needs Adderall STRAIGHT INTO HIS VEINS. Without it, he will drift into a coma. His Odinsleep could last for hundreds of years. Don’t fall asleep, Sleepy Joe!

Wait, I’m sensing alternate theories from the BonkoSphere…

The Redundant Microphone!™ —A GMom Nonsensical Notion

So, it’s not an IV.  It’s… a microphone? 

Because it’s not like his voice is being amplified and broadcast to everyone already. He needs a secret special secondary microphone… for reasons.

Next up we have Corey Lynn… an “Investigative Journalist.” 

First some background on our intrepid reporter extraordinaire.

She thinks AIDS was engineered in a lab and people were purposely infected so that Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, and George Soros could make billions of dollars.  

Corey is a fact finder and truth seeker through and through—as evidenced by her merchandise. Something all good journalists have.

I don’t know how she crammed so much wisdom onto a $20 iPhone case (free shipping available). 

As you can see, Corey is highly attuned to detect anything suspicious. And she may have broken this Biden debate cheating thing wide open.

Look at that investigative effort. She went all the way to the C-SPAN YouTube channel to get a good peep at this mysterious thing poking out of Biden’s sleeve. She took high definition screen caps and zoomed in—just like a crime scene investigator might do.

Corey thinks the IV drugs and secret microphone theories are silly. Obviously. 

Clearly it is… 

ELECTRODES MAYBE!™ —A Corey Lynn Paradigm Shift (Women’s Flowy Tank Top, Only $26.99)

Yes, electrodes are much less silly. Because electric shocks are a proven way to keep “Sleepy Joe” from his permanent slumber. Makes perfect sense! 

Case closed.

Wait, she has another theory. It’s some kind of… hypnosis triggering device? 

Corey, your paradigm is shifting a bit much. 

She can’t say which for sure because she’s “no expert.” And I am always comforted when investigative journalists say “if that is in fact true.” 

Still, brilliant investigative work!

Sayyyy… I wonder what would happen if instead of staring at pixels and wildly speculating, Corey did like… 8 seconds of research. (Or, as some might call it, “investigating.”) Just to see “if that is in fact true” before jumping the gun and blasting misinformation out to over 100,000 followers. 

The Super Sad Sentimental Souvenir!™ —A Bojo Fact That Can Be Verified Via Multiple Sources

Pssh, likely story! 

Have you considered his dead son’s rosary is a perfect place to hide a combination IV/microphone/electrodes maybe/hypnosis device? 

Eh? EHHHH??

Next up, we have…

The Mystery of the Missing Ear Canal!™ —An Anonymous (Yet Patriotic) Observation

Wait a sec… where is his ear canal? 

HIS EAR CANAL IS MISSING! OMG!!!!

Though I think American Patriot Anon70768033 has trouble telling right from left. That would be his right ear, friend. But don’t fret, Elaine from NorCal has the left ear covered. She even circled it! Just in case you forgot what ears are or where they are located. 

She compared both ears! She’s 99.5% sure!  Large red circles don’t lie!

The problem is, all of these pictures are taken at different focal lengths from different angles under different lighting. Meaning each photo has different lens compression, distortion, and angle of view. This can cause features to appear wildly different.

Not to mention shadows can change appearance quite a bit too.  

Does she have nostrils or not? If you can’t see the nose holes, do they even exist?

But Elaine from NorCal is 99.5% sure and I trust her forensic analysis.

New questions… Does the shirt crease wire attach to the secret earpiece?  Does it go into his body up through a neck vein and plug into the earpiece from the inside?  Do all of the pieces connect together? Is this all a single connected conspiracy!!??

The wire, the rosary, the drugs, the smart lenses, the earpiece… they must be part of an elaborate technological system designed to help Joe Biden cheat. Without this system he wouldn’t have been able to deliver epic verbal blows such as… 

“C’mon man!” “Will you shut up?” “It’s hard to get any word in with this clown.”

That doesn’t sound like him at all. He didn’t say malarkey once. They probably had Patton Oswalt parked in a van outside on zinger duty. 

This is getting complicated. I think I’m going to need a diagram or something. 

Oh, good… Eugene has me covered!

The MS Paint Diagram of Doom!™ —A Eugene Exhibition Extravaganza

Welp, this looks very official and the science certainly checks out. I’m 99.5% sure. 

Also, in EXHIBIT C & D, Eugene is positive there is an earpiece in the RIGHT ear. I’m glad we cleared that up as well.

Uh oh… I may have done another 8 seconds of research. 

I found this photo from the debate looking straight down his ear hole. 

Hmm, that looks pretty ear canal-y to me. 

I’m gonna need a closer look to be sure. TO PHOTOSHOP! 

The Great Ear Hole Enhancement!™ —A Frogman Earvestigation

WAIT! DON’T LOOK AT THAT! ERASE THAT IMAGE FROM YOUR BRAIN!

Sorry… I didn’t mean to alarm you. 

I’m such an idiot! I forgot to circle the area in question. I mean, without a circle you probably didn’t even know what the heck you were looking at. Is that a Martian crater? Is it a Sarlacc Pit? 

OKAY, YOU CAN LOOK NOW!

HIS EAR CANAL IS BACK! WHAT. IS. HAPPENING?  IS ANYTHING REAL?

I… I just don’t know what to believe anymore. 

Eugene! I think I need another diagram!

I realize I have conclusively proven Joe Biden has ear holes and all of these theories have come crumbling down. But I still think there is something to this earpiece business. I refuse to believe the president of these United States would make something like that up. I refuse to believe this is all a bunch of… malarkey. 

Which is why I thought I would join in on the spurious speculations.

SKULL SOUND!™ —An Original Sir Frogsworth Conspiracy (And Cool Idea for a Band Name)

If it were me, I would have gone with bone conduction tech. You can transmit and receive audio directly through vibrations in the skull. Basically your own skull becomes a speaker and microphone. It’s a proven technology that really exists and was even used in the short-lived Google Glass augmented reality spectacles. 

Theoretically, you could place the speaker under a false flap of skin on the temple and hide the bulkier electronics under a hairpiece. Something any competent special effects makeup artist could do. 

Now, I’m not a professional diargram-ologist like Eugene, but I imagine it could work something like this.

In real life, it might look something like this random photo I found of no one in particular. 

Technology like this is quite advanced and very expensive to develop. 

It’s super effective!

Bonus:

Book: saliva is actually filtered blood!

Book: saliva also contains a painkiller that is stronger than morphine, but we don’t produce a lot of it otherwise we’d be constantly high

BUT ALSO!! Right now libraries are facing a problem with a new policy from  very large publisher called Macmillan that’s due to be enacted in November. 

As Jessamyn West explains in her article on CNN:

For the first two months after a Macmillan book is published, a library can only buy one copy, at a discount. After eight weeks, they can purchase “expiring” e-book copies which need to be re-purchased after two years or 52 lends. As publishers struggle with the continuing shake-up of their business models, and work to find practical approaches to managing digital content in a marketplace overwhelmingly dominated by Amazon, libraries are being portrayed as a problem, not a solution. Libraries agree there’s a problem – but we know it’s not us.

52 lends is nothing when it comes to popular books. In essence, this new policy would require libraries to re-purchase the same eBooks over and over just to continue to provide access to their readers. 

Libraries already have to go through a lot of hoops and extra expense to provide digital content, and this policy will just make it even harder, more time consuming, and more expensive, thus making it more difficult for libraries to provide eBooks at a time when demand for eBook access at libraries is growing exponentially. Both the ALA and the PLA have come out strongly against thus policy, and it sets a TERRIBLE precedence for other publishing houses and future policies. It’s a bad idea that’s expensive and ultimately punishes the people who need libraries the most.

But YOU can do something about it, right now! Help us tell Macmillan publishing that their new policy is terrible and will adversely affect the people who need digital library access the most! 

Check out the ALA’s action page for some great graphics and an auto-tweet form that will let you voice your displeasure to Macmillan directly. 

Or you can just copy and paste it into Twitter from here, and add the graphic too if you want: 

Limiting access to new titles for libraries means limiting access for readers who are most dependent on libraries. @MacmillanUSA’s new policy is unacceptable, John Sargent. Cancel the embargo. #eBooksForAll