Another One Bikes The Dusk

been a long while.

here goes some snippets that are kinda like snippers.

grab driver: ma'am, malaki raw bigayan sa sg. vip drivers. 100k a month. hirap na sa pinas e.

tugon: naksh, malaki ang 100k pero cost of living doon lalo rent, taga ka talaga. saka di ba hands on parent ka?

gd: oo nga ma'am e. sa isang araw, yung mga anak ko ayaw na yan payakap sa akin. sana bumaba na gasolina. dati paldo pa e. ngayon, andami ng drivers na hindi na biyahe.

tugon: kung kinikita mo naman ay 100K dito kahit gapang sa lusak naksh, pagisipan mo.

gd: hirap na talaga ngayon pero tuloy-tuloy lang. dati pangarap ko ito. dati sideline lang ako. tapos nag food panda. tapos ng motor, hawak ko na oras ko. okay na rin. naka aircon buong araw kaso yung katawan ko, iba na.

tugon: naksh, 30 ka pa lang. easyhan mo. antayin mong mag kwarenta ka. hahahahaha. age is a number pero ikaw pa rin makakapagsabi niyan at ang universe.

--

t: nak, parang hindi ko na kaya ng 90. hanggang 70 hindi ko nga sure.

a: o tapos?

t: may puwede bang puntahan na tapos na ang lahat. sa switzerland kasi mahal tapos magiging accomplice to the crime pa yung sasama pag uwi ng pinas.

a: aywaw. saang youtube mo napanood yan? saka mahal mag uwi ng bangkay pabalik ng pinas. hahahaha.

t: okay lang ako.

a: ikaw na lang magulang ko. nabilin ka pa ng nanay ko kaya no choice. joke lang. aalagaan kita sa abot ng kaya ko hindi dahil sa magulang kita. dasurv mo alagaan. wag ka lang pasaway. tigil mo kakanood ng kung anu-ano at kaka tune in kay doctor ai at doc google. makinig ka sa doctors mo. may alignments na kami, dad. wag mo kong antayin paghigpitan ka.

t: thanks nak.

a: wuw. welcome. always. gagaling ka. juiceko ka. paano pa pag next level na?

t: ayoko na.

a: hindi mo sure.

t: dami ko na nararamdaman.

a: grief impairs the body, dad. you're still adjusting. sa life na tambay. from your mom's death. your bestfriend's death. and your brother's final battle with the c. all in a span of 3 years. hindi biro yan.

t: totoo ba ang depression?

a: sabi mo noon, hindi totoo yun. so ikaw na mag-judge. eme.

t: kaya mo naman na wala ako e.

a: yes but having you and seeing you in your new chapter is very curious. eme. wuw.

---

gz: hindi ko na kaya.

a: nuyannnnn?

gz: bakit ba kasi ang hirap ng pangarap na ito?

a: ganun talaga pag pangarap. malalim ang sakit. malala ang bubog.

gz: how do you do things well?

a: ako ba? i fail miserably all the time. i don't know a lot of things. i know some things but i am just trying and failing. and i try ko give things a good try.

gz: weh? hindi nga.

a: trulagen. kwarentahin is a season where i think things falls apart so that things come together. chinua achebe eme. wuw.

gz: i am failing. a lot.

a: we all fail. and people are clueless about the things they do in general. ergo, you are totally fine.

gz: paano pag hindi talaga umubra?

a: you will be in a better place after the worst scenario in your head and irl happens. tiwala lang.

-----

doc: stop overthinking.

a: doc.

doc: stop overthinking. you are still young.

a: at 40?

doc: yes. the world needs new blood.

a: geriatric millennial blood is just too ugh.

doc: you are okay. just don't put yourself in stressful environments. be happy.

a: wuw. doc, goop vibes na ba ito?

doc: i am serious. be in a place that values you.

----------

juicekoooooooowhzzz.

all while looking at assisted living homes for another boomer who isn't my dad. ang mahal mhiemaaaaasaurs. pero gusto nung boomer ng options since nagspend siya ng time outside pinas. i actually agree sa pov niya. it makes so much sense if you have a budget and the right care team. next stop, next month: assisted home tours forda boomer on weekends.

oh, death. you are one step away from humanity nga naman.

oh life, how fucked up, curious, and wonderful can you get?

hoping for better days because i am barely breathing.

back in the days when i didn't know the term quantum jump, i thought i was baliw levels pro max.

that was when i was taking care of mom when i knew so well that she's but a few inches from dying. one wrong move and her body chemistry was fucked to the point of yet another coma leading to crossing to the other side.

just a case study, they say.

me: just a fucking case study, and... so what? fuck off, y'all.

caring for terminally ill patients who are but case studies like my mom allowed to see things early on like:

1 deadlines are nothing when your personal relationships are fucked. period.

2 going for green numbers without pausing will likely burn you and what you built to the ground

3 you can always win but winning means losing a lot

now, in the name of this podcast, let me try to change the "but" bits and pieces to "and" shall we?

1 deadlines are nothing and you ought to chase deadlines that align with your life goals no matter how crazy things get

2 going for green numbers usually comes without pausing and you already know that so well, so pause so you can keep going

3 you can always win and you also know and have seen that losing the game is not what makes winning good. it's about winning lessons and learning from really fucked up mistakes

boogsh

seth godin: pick yourself

me: be loyal to no one but yourself

emeeerooooootzzz

so much feels, thinks, and does. huy.

what matters most?

there's what you call second-guessing the self.

sure. basic.

but, i guess i am always third-guessing myself.

it's that push and pull with the inner child, teenager and the mid 20s versions of me.

ah, 40.

in between good sleep that's usually disrupted during ungodly hours and a lot of updates from my purple people and the not so purple people in my life, i am finding more ways to cope.

whenever i see parents bringing their kids to the play places be it indoor or outdoor, i catch myself in thoughts of absurdity, disbelief, and surprisingly, hope.

i fondly remember the day when my mom and dad woke us up after the pinatubo erruption back in the 90s.

they were actually laughing together which was so rare especially in the morning.

that laugh told me that it was but a volcanic thingy even when i had to go through newspapers and watch the news since i had assignments about keeping up with current events for hekasi class.

that laugh visits me so many times.

dad retells the days when he had to go to work even when there was a major threat about anthrax. he was dumbfounded because people were scared to death. all he knew was that his 8 to 5 would allow his family to power through. and for whatever it's worth, he won't go down the drain after winning the asian crisis in the 90s.

he brought me to work when he can to make up for not having summer or holiday trips. that felt like generous travel for me then.

as i look back, dammnnnnn my parents. finding ways to keep their kiddos in a delulu and safe world. lol.

i guess that's where third-guessing myself comes in. not about having kids because my answer is no. it's about finding ways to neutralize the good shit and bad shit in the hopes of arriving at a kinda good meets bad shit that allows me to breathe even when breathing seems boring and suffocating.

third-guessing is when i lay down the pros and cons, overthink malala then curate what may work and what can actually work.

hope is what third-guessing has, i guess. hope that i try to revisit and get to know in the hopes of embracing it fully once more.

bless me for i have heard these scarlet sins or these are but confessions that are nothing more than just realities and valid feelings.

better yet, these may be fiction meddling with reality that bites hard. a little too hard maybe.

01: okay lang naman nag-anak ako ng maaga. proud ako sa anak ko. wala akong pagsisi pero nung nalaman kong may nabuo, ginawa ko lahat para hindi matuloy. kaya habambuhay kong pasan ang kahayupan kong ito. araw-araw akong bumabawi sa anak ko.

02: mahal ko magulang ko. legit. pero hindi ko kasi matanggap na sa isang bahay kami nakatira. hindi ko na kaya yung galawang de numero kahit ako naman bumubuhay sa kanila.

03: gusto kong magkapamilya hindi lang dahil gusto ko ng legacy. gusto kong patunayan sa magulang na iniwan ako na mali ang desisyon niya. na mali na hindi kami ang pinili niya. selfish ko ba?

04: buti pa yung nasa icu malapit-lapit na. ako, eto tengga pa rin. ilang beses ko na sinagad ang buhay ko, pero eto pa rin. buhay na buhay. iba rin talag topak ng universe ano? ma-try ulit next time baka maswertehan na ang lifegoal ko. end of the line and the lies that living is worthwhile.

05: hindi naman sa inggit ako a. pero bakit naman ako na itong sobrang daming ginawang effort tapos ako pa rin pinaka kulelat? ginawa ko naman lahat by the book meets by hook or by crook tapos wala pa ring character arc development ni katiting na progress man lang?

06: ilang beses kong winish na mamatay ang magulang kong bedridden. binulong ko pa mismo sa kanya na mamatay na talaga siya kasi pabigat lang siya sa amin. ni hindi niya ako minahal simula pagkabata. ayun, buhay pa rin. masamang damo talaga.

07: bakit ko aaminin na may anak ako sa iba? para ano? masaktan ko sila? mamatay na lang akong hindi ako umaamin. hayaan mong malaman nila sa iba. ang pagmamahal minsan talaga nawawala iyan e. tao lang ako. marupok.

08: ayoko ng magbigay sa bahay. dahil lang sa isang mali na hindi ko naman ginusto, kahit gaano pang karami ang ibigay ko, ubos na yung pasensya ko. basic respect lang hindi ko makuha. bare minimum na lang hinihingi ko. wala silang narinig sa akin pero ubos na ako. ubos na ubos na. hayaan ko kaya silang magutom at maputulan ng kuryente? maiba naman. para maging deserve ko namang matawag na masamang anak.

just my imagination or maybe not.

so what?

Dear Sick People,

I am coming from the lens of a caregiving for 8 years. Mom had auto immune disease. At that time, she was marked as a case study. A spectacle whom everyone wanted right in their folios.

Yes. You are a spectacle. Could be sarcastic. Could be a wonder and a wander in one breath. Could be a mockery. A comedy. A satire. A prose. A poetry. A chemistry experiment.

Yes. You are both a poetry and a chemistry experiment.

This weekend is a pause to prep for stepping on the gas like there's no tomorrow.

I remember Venerable Bede, Venerable Sunjae, Gregor Mendel, Anthony Bourdain, Kylie Kwong, Howie Severino, Tado, Ramon Bautista, India Arie, Nick Joaquin and Wales Bonner. Juicekoooo.

Such a riot in my head yet again.

This time around, the riot may theoretically turn into a symphony that's pretty much like Aegis x Gloc9 x KZ Tandingan x Philharmonic Orchestra.

Emeeeeemmmm. Che.

And seeing what I am up against, the margin of error ought to be .001% or else, bye.

Lol. Charaught harot.

Thank you to my purple people who I consider my small goner smaller inner circle. Those who know what my unfiltered feelings truly are and do not judge me. Those who allow me to be me shit and all through it all. Those who I can laugh with and cry on as I try to battle ahedonia, anxiety, and avoidance pro max. Those who choose to stay inspite my terrible mood swings.

And sooooo...

Let this be a reminder.

That letting things happen is making stories come to life until life stops. Until the last heartbeat. Until the last breath.

"How do you plan your outfits?"

Here's the super hard truth.

Ages ago, when I was an unpaid intern with 180 pesos allowance from my parents, commuting and a working student, I had one of the most curious conversations in my dear young life.

"Bakit lagi parehas damit mo? Wala ka nga ibang damit?"

I was dumbfounded.

My drip then was very functional.

Chucks. Denim jeans. Polo shirt. Tote bag.

All on sale.

Decent. Not so bad.

Until, that conversation happened.

Of course, I had to stand my ground.

"Kelangan ba iba-iba damit araw-araw para sa unpaid internship?"

I did not get a comeback.

LOL.

That was the start of this bitch's abhorence toward that school thing which is an open secret in the Mad World of Adver.

I did not freeze. I breathed fire.

Whenever there's an ideation, I felt like a Hermione x Luna Lovegood. Always weird. Always ready. Always moody.

"Magaling ka ha."

"Hindi ako magaling. Ever. Marami lang mas bobo saka mood swing lang 'yan."

No comeback yet again.

That was when I started to see that you're but a number. And that all you do and don't do is both for and against you.

That was when I really hated any form of validation because I have an eternal love for invalidating me since forever.

My benchmark: Mom. Period. Until now and up until the day I die. Others do not matter at all. Period.

Oh, yesteryears.

So laughable looking back.

Yet, here I am.

Yet again, we're revisiting some very vivid stories worth sharing and shitposting on.

Dressing up. Dressing down.

Wearing clothes I like is a solid middle finger to the system that reeks.

Powerdressing is not in my book.

Dressing to make a statement is. No matter how cutting or boring that statement is.

And so, let this be a reminder.

As mother dragon said... wear whatever color you like. Do not mind what others are saying. They do not matter, anak. Mood swing mo sa ngalan ng buwan, ayusin mo. Maldita mo kahit kailan.

Me: Whatever, ma. Whatever.

I love the moon. As mother dragon said, I am a moon child and that my mood and entire being is ruled by the moon.

May last night be a reminder that my dad and I are indeed healing together. And that we're finally in an era where we are on the same side of the court, even when his boomer bombs drop more and more.

Aging and dying are two inescapable things.

Through it all, may stories of glimmers amidst the triggers be with this moon child who loves red fire and ice blue.

Dear Mother Dragon,

Before you had me, you spent so many days in hotels while selling solutions that ensure a very basic problem that's super tough to solve: cleanliness.

Whenever you share your short-lived career life, you radiate a glow that I can not fathom... then.

You told me that you're paid thrice than what dad was earning. You felt pride and at the same time, shame and disgust.

You never asked me to follow your path as you'd want me to be in marketing. A path I vehemently hated... then.

You always told me to look after myself and aim impossible dreams and go after them wildly and consistently. I loathed you so much as you never seemed happy whenever I get 90% on yet another project or exam. Even at 99%, you'd tell me that I could have scored on the bonus points to yield 110% because why the hell not? That's the start of my rebel days because I wanted to get away from your immeasurable love for perfection which does not make sense... then.

Until now.

In a few hours, all these "then" shit, puke, and fart will be testing me yet again.

The colors that I've been wearing the past days get crazier. Some call it cool. Some call it meh and blah. I call it a grandiose spiral. A rebellion against perfection. A messy canvas. A loud statement.

However, these days, you're living vicariously through me. It's as though this is the pinnacle of our story which I thought ended back in 2012, a few days before my birthday.

These days, I see you in the women I share spaces with more and more. This time around, with kindness and more forgiveness.

Funny, though, how I imagine that you could have easily been one of the OGs of this hood if and only if you did not choose to birth me.

There.

Loud and clear.

These days, I am in between serious triggers and surprising glimmers because I guess that this chapter is the ultimate plot twist of my healing journey which coincides with my Year 4.0 pro max.

Nothing fancy, actually.

But very, very graphic.

It feels good to finally lay these cards on the table. Our table. Now, I only have to see how this day will end.

Can't wait for Sunday.

Another very curious weekend.

I know you're watching over me more closely with those piercing eye, your signature red hairz and the smirk that you and only you can slay. That intimidating RBF that still tops my RBF list is telling me, "Dracarys."

A few years ago, this was the time when I was going through a sudden death and a timely death.

I was in shambles and I guess that my Poblacion drinking spree was a trauma response but this time around, it brings glimmers of hope.

Went back to watching plays after some time around Makati Cinema Square.

Also tried out the Japanese restaurant recommended by my Japanese officemate. Super duper legit.

Because I do not get out of the South that much, squeezed in matcha in Poblacion as well.

Ahhhh. Weekends like this one. So precious ans priceless.

The play was triggering and glimmering. Grabe lang. It was queer which symphonized the OGs and the newbreed.

It slapped so hard. Its ebbs and flows are so maddening and comforting.

I felt so spent and had to down one too many drinks on an empty stomach after.

Oh, Makati. Oh, Poblacion.

Capturing you always captivates me.

That play is one for the books.

May this be a reminder that 2026 is about facing my emotions, finally. Huy.

And that this year would definitely bring me where I am supposed to be.

PS:

And sooooo, it is another weekend.

So many things are running in my aging head but this hits home so hard. Super hard.

Always been a fan of watching people on stage. It is so immersive and hearing this at this hour is comforting, maddening and exciting.

Boogsh.

I really need to sleep more.

I really need to choose one.

I really need to let things happen.

Why wear that?

These days, I say: Why the fuck not?

Here's the very graphic, terrific and horrific back story.

Buckle up.

A few days after Tito B expired, my XX best friend pushed me to dig his closet. First dibs. Never saw Tito B in drips as he wears tattered pambahay clothes matched with Islander pupod upod edition malala.

She told me that she and Tito Ro already got their stash and she told me that I'd most likely find gems in his closets and cupboards.

I've been a fan of vintage shopping since Multiply days because I had to dress a certain way for my jobs in sales then fashion. While I am a trueblue fan of SM Dept Store, Surplus, and SM Warehouse finds, there's something about ukayans that pull me in. And pull me close.

Too close. For Tito B's closet and cupboard raid.

I knew I'd have a series of triggers but that time, I held on to glimmers too.

Raiding someone you know's closet is life-changing. A paradigm shift for me.

Things I realized are:

1 Dress your best. Dress your worst. Dress because you'd like your inner child and your inner teenager to find their voice. In the process, you might also be able to teach the world to sing.

2 Fashion is not defined by anyone so whatever people say, fuck it. Actually, let them a la Mel Robbins.

3 When in doubt, get inspo from Carla Rockmore and Shaira Luna. Add a hefty dose of CJ De Silva. Very important.

4 Always honor your vintage finds as they hold so much stories both untold and retold.

5 When choosing a drip, it is very important to be perpetually curious, quirky, experimental and a mad dash to whether you like what you see AND feel.

6 Wales Bonner x India Arie x Alicia Keys x Beyonce × Amy Winehouse x Emilia Sandé x Freddie Mercury x Madonna x Marilyn Monroe

7 The dead are living vicariously through every person wearing pieces that could have been worn and worn out

8 True fashion is not a cry for attention. It never was. Refer to Coco Chanel's myths and facts. Lol.

9 You are never too old nor too young to die, so do not ever give a flying fuck to anyone who dulls your sparkle, your sunshine, or even your most grandiose spiral szn. Period.

10 Invest in local fashion.

Tito B, thank you for your life and death. May the drips we wear from your closet and cupboards make you smile and laugh and tear up happy tears there on the Other Side. Peace out.

Hello, XIENWAI. Hahahahaha.

This week is super curious pro max.

Lels.

Major car shitshow after 10 years with Bats.

Another first.

And sooooooo... what?

I just drown myself in between delulu solulu mode while thinking about where I am off to next in the name of Chapter Four_Zero. Coming very soon.

I gathered the very depleted below zero social battery I had and went to the G House. Hugged Tita G so tightly and just cried. She hugged me tighter and said that I am doing okay. I am just tired. And that she wants me to be happy.

A my inaanak anak-anak cracked me up when she asked why I am crying. I think that it's her first time to see me in shambles. I think that she was surprised and in disbelief. She probed. She said that I am pitiful and that I might want to stop crying. That's when I laughed.

They say people in the spectrum have limited comprehension. True and false. A reminds me that so as long as you find your voice and use it unapologetically, you're good. All good. She reminds me that questions and answers are the same and that being overly simple always wins.

That week.

That fucking week.

That week that spells a lot in the same manner that it spells nothing. All at once.

That week that showed me that life is indeed what happens to you when you are busy making other plans. Kudos to John Lennon.

That week that speaks about how high you go also determines how fucked up your fall could be.

Just a statistic but more than just a statistic.

Just a number but definitely more than just a number.

My newest neckpiece is now my rosary. Got it because it resonated with me so much. Mom is a Marian and she did the whole 200 Hail Mary daily. 200 divided by 4. Each divide is for each member of the family.

As I have an immense liking for anything blue, this is a reminder too.

That everything and anything is a walk of faith and not by sight. Nothing too religious. Just pure vibe. A vibe that is not about the usual route, but the detours, the deadends, the long and jagged roads that make the journey worth more than the destination.

However, when one already knows the destination, the journey is what takes you there and should not be the other way around.

I am still figuring things out.

I am in major fucking training wheels.

I know I am off to the destination so it's time to focus on the real and lived journey to get there even when it's easier to say yes more and say no less.

I really need to pick one. Soon.

I cannot have both. Or can I? Would I? Should I?

Ahhhhhhhh.

Confirmation bias.

What you expect to happen is slanted toward your biases. Wuwwwww. Just in time, baby.

Hmmmm.

Let this be a chapter of living the could have been universe of mother dragon in the next episodes. I am legit curious.

dear sbgurlsss,

salamat sa pagpapalaki sa sangkababaihan at sangkabaklaan mula batanes hanggang flipinee wesssst seeaaaa. salamat sa legit good vibes para sa mga kwarentahin lalo doon sa mga nasa crossroads na naman na laban na laban at mahirap ang bawian.

agility quotient. kakalapag lang. handling change and uncertainty well di umano. wuw.

today started early and ended really late.

highlight is seeing my soul sis when it comes to travels and life in general. kapag biglaan talaga natutuloy.