Bemol

Depression was not crying myself to sleep

Depression was desperately wanting to cry but feeling too drained to work up the energy to do so because I lost all my tears and ambition years ago

Depression was not bursting out in tears in the shower

Depression was sitting in the corner of the shower as I lay my head on my knees, letting the hot water consume me

Depression was not writing beautiful, relatable poetry

Depression was forgetting how to craft stanzas because I lost the will to create

Depression was not writing gloomy emotions in a journal

Depression was writing suicide note after suicide note only to throw them out because they were not good enough, just like me

Depression was not leaning on my friends for help

Depression was carrying my friends because, hey, if I couldn’t carry myself why not carry somebody else

Depression was not wearing all black in an attempt to explain my angst

Depression was wearing bright, vibrant colors to try and convince everyone that I was okay-that I was doing just fine

Depression was not a temporary struggle that made me stronger

Depression is my life long battle that improves, but it never goes away

Depression was not a therapy appointment that instantly made me happy

Depression was switching from therapist to therapist because nobody was helping me cope with the emotions I’d been carrying on my shoulders for so long

Depression was not a few happy pills that brought the color back into the world

Depression was a few happy pills that allowed you me to see red-maybe some blue- but nothing in between the two

Depression was not being constantly homesick

Depression was avoiding home because it was home that made me sick

Depression was not asking my parents for help

Depression was desperately hiding from my parents because they would never be proud if they really saw what I’d become

Depression was not constantly struggling to meet expectations

Depression was giving up on my puny little goals because I was a disappointment to everyone-such a fucking disappointment

Depression was not slowly dying inside

Depression was a hellish place in between life and death because I could not die if I was not truly alive

Depression was not easy