Babe Melane

After the existensial crisis phase of my life I can still feel the relapse of its effect on me and still wondering about how slow-paced my life is. However, after a long haul I returned to the basic principles of life. I tried to remember the things that makes me feel alive as a kid. I’ve said this many times, I dreamt about singing for the Lord for the rest of my life but I know deep down that its not the ultimate life goal I long to live for.

i've been so drawn about the life of Enoch these days, thinking about how he lived, walking with the Lord so intimately, and i can't help myself but ask God, "how?" with so many questions flowing through my mind: "Lord, how did enoch live a life so near to You that You just had to take him?" "can my walk with You be like Enoch's too?" what a wild question but thankfully, our Father isn't afraid of our ponderings, of the crazy questions we've had in our minds, the whys and hows and whatnot.

but really, as i flourish in how the Lord transforms my insides, i get to see things more clearly and understand His holiness, that holy, healthy fear i have in me. knowing how imperfect i am, my most messy self couldn't even fathom how He could cleanse all of my sins. i deserved to be six feet beneath the earth, yet His blood made me whole.

lately, i have been asking God with this question. as it said in His Word, "our hearts are deceitful" so how do we love the same way He does? for i do believe that the love we’re able to give all came from Him, because God is love!

a lot of times, i just cry at the thought of how i deeply loved him. because i thought i would never be able to feel that again. to love deeply, in a different way. it was gradual... it didn’t happen in an instant. it was at first full of uncertainties because i was really afraid to let someone in, and i let him because he is one of my dearest friends.

we dreamed about our future — our wedding, our home, how many kids we would have, who’s gonna do the cooking, the laundry, how to take care of the kids... we had dreams. but his dreams for himself are much bigger than ours.

ironic. funny. one of the reasons i loved him is because he is a dreamer. he is goal-driven. and now, the reason why we had to part ways is because of his big dreams that i can’t reach. he wants to fly, while me, i just want to sit beside him, support him, and not see him having a hard time with life.

i still cry a lot. to God. mostly. thinking about the hows, the could’ve beens, the whys, the what ifs.

Oh God, please help me. I feel like I'm almost close to the end. I don't know what's happening, but this is taking a toll on me and no one asked or knew again. It's just me and Jesus, my Father, my best friend. No one asked me a question about how my life has been going after mom left me, or when my dearest cat died. I mean, who would ask someone who looks fine on the outside and has no worries of her own?

My relationship with Jesus has been the most solid, purest, and healthiest out of any relationship. I can be vulnerable, I can be a crybaby, I can be sensitive, I can sit still in silence, I can yap. He is not audibly speaking but I hear Him. I feel Him. His love just always saves me.

Honestly, I want to disappear. I want to remove my socials again. I want to isolate. I want solitude. I want silence. The world is just so loud and messy. It's just so full of darkness and hatred and I just want to be filled with love, joy, and kindness.

1. To be in tune with the Holy Spirit’s voice. Spiritual maturity & discipline. Boldness in sharing the Word. A deeper understanding of God’s love.

2. To witness a miracle in the life of my parents. Salvation of the whole family. Spiritual and financial breakthrough for my siblings.

3. The Lord’s encounter to my friends and that He continues to change me so I can be a living testimony of His amazing love.

4. A career where I can glorify God and use His gifts to me, to be surrounded by coworkers who loves God and a salary that can be of help to my family.

5. To receive fresh anointing, may the ministry be the overflow of the love I have for Jesus, to improve in learning exhortation and to focus on my calling.

6. To always put God first and at the center of my relationship with Bryan, and that we both have awareness of the Lord's presence and to continue in pursuing spiritual intimacy.

Praise God for sustaining me throughout the past few months. We're currently starting a new season and beginning the second half of this year.

If I could write it all down, I would. Only trusted people knew how difficult the first half of this year had been for me. I've dealt with spiritual warfare, familial troubles, and even resurfacing from a past life.

I've been crying silently and can't hear God. True, when a tree is bountiful, the enemy will throw pebbles at it, preventing it from bearing additional fruit. I'm writing today because the past few days have been difficult. My parents' position, with their unfinished business that has been ongoing for years, is difficult for me to handle. However, I have resolved to surrender and allow God to take charge.

The last few weeks have also taught me what it is to be a child of God. I am a sinner, and Jesus Christ's blood has saved me. A terrible person like me? Who am I to be redeemed by a perfect and faultless Jesus? I am nothing, but He still loves me. He is eager to assist me in repenting for the previous sins that have been slowly resurfacing in me. He is restoring me. What a lovely, fantastic love that is.

I'm also writing today about my relationship with Bryan Joey. I'm grateful to God for how much I can see God in Bryan's life, how He showed me that Bryan can genuinely lead me spiritually, and how strong His conviction is, and that He has an amazing plan for Bryan. I'm looking forward to our journey to spiritual intimacy. I felt like I met Bryan for the second time during his stay in PH, and the Lord revealed new aspects of both of us, as well as our unresolved traumas and familial issues. I am watching how the Lord is restoring both us and our relationship, realigning us with His desire. I am astounded by how God does that. His love is there in our hearts.

How many "I'm done"s would I utter?

And each time you'll win me over

We will always forgive and choose each other

So I pray we end up together ~