Dear Beloved

Breath of Fresh Air

What a wild and crazy ride this season has been. The last update I posted was when T went to Washington…. and since the beginning of June he has gone to play for the Fort Wayne Tincaps…. and more recently, the Lake Elsinore Storm. Looking back there has been no rhyme or reason…. no method to the madness. We spent three months wondering why he was stuck in extended spring training, waiting in…

The Humility of Dependency: My Journey to Acceptance

We live in a society today that prizes independence and praises self. Do more. Be more. Dont depend on anyone. If you are going to be successful, work work work. Work hard, play hard. Lather, rinse, repeat. Climb the ladder of entrepreneurial-ship and you too can sit pretty for the rest of your days. But if you have experienced what I have experienced, this “success,” this worldly emphasis for…

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” I wonder what circumstances, events, or mistakes brought him to that conclusion. While I can’t speak for Mr. Emerson, I completely 100% agree. I may be sounding redundant, but I have now realized just how much mental gusto and patience it takes to be a minor league ball player (rather, a minor league ball players fiancé). On…

This weekend I took my third, and hopefully final, trip to Arizona to see Travis pitch over the weekend. What I hope for, and pray for, is that starting sometime soon after the 2015 MLB Draft, he will be sent to short-season in Washington, long-season in Indiana, High A in California, or Double A in Texas. His time in extended spring training has been tough for both of us, but I am trying to see…

Not everything is roses and sunshine in baseball. Sure, it happens to be “America’s favorite pastime,” but it probably brings me the most uncertainty and anxiety than anything else in my life at the moment. I am constantly keeping up to date on how each and every one of T’s outings go (or bullpens), and asking questions about whether the coaches mentioned anything, or who was watching his…

12. whirring of the heater

13. Kettle whistling on the stove

14. soft light through window pane

7. The sound of wind outside warm houses

8. Clanking utensils on plates

9. A full dinner table

We are most joyful when we are thankful. Thanksgiving takes practice. It takes intention. We notice the little things most when we are fully present in the moment. Haste makes waste. Slowing down to be present helps us to live fully alive. 

5 things I'm thankful for today:

1. My mom's prayers

2. Hot tea to start my day

3. The smell of clean laundry

4. A dad that helps me carry my stuff from the car inside the house

I've been going through a season that has required more thought than action, more analysis than speech. What has come out of this time, that I am still very actively going through, is an examination of identify.

You see, I've struggled with fear almost my entire life. Manifested in different ways, really, but always lurking in the shadows, preventing me from living my life to the fullest (John 10:10).

Let me explain. I struggle with the fear of man (I use this as a term referring to all people). I am terrified of being "found out" that I am not who others' think that I am. I am terrified of having a hair out of place, a blemish on my skin, hitting a wrong note... being 'imperfect' in the eyes of the people around me. I feel deep fear when I am asked to step out of my comfort zone where there are no guarantees of the "right outcome." In reality, I have a tendency toward perfectionism... a paralyzing fear of not being good enough.

This has created a cycle wherein I have attempted to earn God's love - I am on top of the world when I feel I have been 'good enough.' I am lower than dust when I 'mess up.' It took me a long time to realize that this has been my pattern. Don't get me wrong, I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that He has rescued me, that He has taken over my life - that He is the only way to have true salvation, and the only true way to Heaven. This, however, has been head knowledge that has been gradually and increasingly making the inches down to my heart. And even that explanation I just gave you, shows that I felt it necessary to preface all this - that I think that as a believer I'm not 'supposed' to have these issues - that I'm supposed to be 'better than that.'

When I was in high school (the melting pot of all self-esteem problems), I can recount how many times I was told, "You're not good enough," in a variety of ways - by friends, by family, by teachers. It wasn't exactly what was said, but it was the message that came across to a very broken, and desperately seeking young woman. I was never enough. I wasn't a good enough singer. I wasn't a good enough friend. I wasn't a good enough daughter. I wasn't the prettiest, or the most talented, or the most athletic. I wasn't anything special... but I tried to be. This 'earning' cycle created more and more fear in my heart (and rejection, might I add). Anxiety when life circumstances were out of my control.

More recently, life circumstances pointed out a giant fear of not being good enough in a different way... As someone important in my life has been dealing with some very difficult life challenges. All of a sudden you realize that you truly aren't enough. You truly cannot make everything okay for even your little world of people. You can't take away their hurts, or make them turn to the God who heals hurts. You can't force anything in their lives. It made me feel truly powerless.

I've brought up several things here - fear and identity. Fear, and how it affects my life, and identity, where we put it. I think that both of them play a huge role in how I came to know Christ. So I am again, examining how they are playing a role in my everyday, faith-walk.

I want to first talk about Faith. Real, true, unadulterated faith. The kind of faith that doesn't make sense to anyone around you - the kind that requires trust in the Someone that you can't physically see or hear or touch. This is the kind of Faith that I want to grow in, and the kind of Faith that I'm in desperate need of. This kind of faith does not grow overnight, but needs consistent tending to, caring for, and growing. It is a Faith that requires difficult seasons in order to create the true authenticity that True Faith possesses. This is not the fake smiles and easy responses of 'let go, and let God.' This is 'in the ashes' type of Faith - belief in God, in who He is, in His promises, despite any and all circumstances that shout around us. I think that these difficult seasons are exactly what we need to have that kind of Faith. If we can't believe during the most difficult times, it isn't real faith. Difficult circumstances reveal our true beliefs, and our true character.

This is where identity comes in. Difficult circumstances revealed where I was putting my identity. I have been placing my identity - in many ways - in other things, other people... So when God shakes those things up, we are left with the only One that truly defines our identity, as believers. Christ.

Last week I went on a work trip with my coworkers. As we were driving back, one of them asked me what my tattoo on my left wrist meant. It says "Beloved." I told her that it was a reminder of who i am in Christ. That I am beloved. That I am the daughter of the King. It means that I can mess up, and I can look at past mistakes, and I am still beloved. I am still forgiven. I am still worth something, and valuable. Not because I do everything right, but because the Son of the Almighty God obeyed God, and took on the punishment that I rightfully deserved. He died, so that I could be the beloved of God - an adopted, and wholly loved child of God.

Placing our identity - who we are, how we feel about ourselves - in anything but God, is a dead-end road. We feel broken, and stuck, without hope. When we place our identity in what He has already done for us, and what that makes us - redeemed, beloved, forgiven, adopted, whole, complete - we also lose our need for control, for power, for acceptance from others. We lose the need to be afraid.

I am still learning. I am not perfect. I might be in a role of leadership, but I am so not worthy of being on the pedestal. I am a person with incredible flaws. It is only by God's grace that I am a believer, and not still one of the lost. It is only by God's grace that my need for Him is greater than my need for control.

Beloved, this is a journey. We never truly arrive until we see His face at the gates of heaven. But I am encouraged knowing that any road He takes me on, He will provide. He will encourage. My road may not make sense to other people, but my identity is not determined by those people. His journey for me may not live up to others' expectations of me and my potential, but His ways are not their ways. When I talk to Him, He will take away the fear. When I forget and look to man for acceptance, He will remind me of my True identity.