My Mundane Life

I don't really trust anyone. I used to, once upon a time. Now, I see ulterior motives EVERYWHERE!

I'm extremely skeptical of new friends.

What do you want from me? Why do you like me? What the fuck is wrong with you if you think I'm someone that's interesting?

Sigh.

So... After eleven years of marriage, my husband left. It's fine. It was coming for a while. It's fine that it's over, I mean. I was prepared for that part. I wasn't as ready the complete insanity that's followed.

I could write everything crazy he's done since he decided to walk out to go party. (That's the reason, y'all. I'm boring because all I do is work, go to school, study, and do responsible adult shit like pay bills and buy groceries. Torture I'm sure) However, I think the latest escapade will nicely sum up the entire situation.

Two days ago, after being asked for a loan by the ex because he is having difficulty living in his car, I found out there was a Grindr account under my estranged husband's name. Naturally, I asked him about it. He had no clue what I was talking about. He brought his phone over and, after going through his email trash and deleted apps, we determined his phone was used to create an account using his email and photos on his phone. This dumb fuck told me that he had rented his phone out to a meth head couple for $5 per night. These ice zombies then created a Grindr profile under the exes name so they could lure and rob gay men! And the ex is just shocked that his new buddies that are squatting the abandoned house and shooting meth would do him dirty like that.

Now, I'm not sure how much of that is truth. But, it was definitely an eye-opener for me. Because even if it wasn't the junkies, it was him. If I thought he was gay, it wouldn't bother me too much. But I honestly believe it was the ex that was planning to lure and rob gay men. As the mother of transgender and bisexual children, I'm horrified!

We have gone no contact. I'm filing for divorce within two weeks.

So yeah... That's been life. Gut punch after gut punch.

Things are getting better though. My bathroom renovations are complete. The landlord picked the bluest blue ever for the wall color. But it's working and there's a floor. My job has become a place I enjoy. I made the dean's list again this semester. Go me. My kids are doing good. And I'm slowly getting my finances straight.

I gotta vomit this up.

Someone sent me this today. I needed to read it. It hasn't been cake. It's hurt quite a bit actually. Do you go through the stages of grief when someone in your life goes from a permanent to temporary status?

I know I've felt anger. I've felt loss. I've felt confusion. I've felt just plain hurt. I couldn't level rate all those though. It's all a big jumbled up mess.

I'd say the one feeling that stands out about the rest is this general feeling of impact. Watching my marriage fall apart has taken forever, y'all. Like,when Lena Headey fell in Dread long. I feel bruised. My heart feels bruised. My mind feels bruised. My ego feels bruised too. Not gonna lie about that. I'm so tired. I just want to lay on the couch and watch Nick make color pencil bowls on YouTube and maybe eat pizza if I can bring up the energy to open the website to order. I feel like I fell a long way for a long time and boom... General feeling of impact. I'm bruised.

I keep resisting the urge to sleep. I get sleep. I'm love sleep and I'm not willing to give up those blissful six hours to anyone. But I have wanted to nap for days. Part of me thinks it's because I need to heal. But another part of me is terrified of giving in to the depression. And today I realized that accepting that loss isn't going to be "giving in" to anything. It sucks. It hurts. I can't figure it out so I might as well stop trying to understand. Because, fuck.

Okay. Step 2: Focus on what will be and not on what has been.