Imperfection is Beauty

My father went into the ARMY a little while after I was born in 84 and to help support our little family. He was only in for a short time before called for duty in the Gulf War (Desert Storm). He was gone alot from birth to age 4 in my life. My little sister came in 86. We moved alot in those years, finally settleing in Fayetteville, Fort Bragg North Carolina. During our time there my mom and father ending up having problems, with him over seas all the time, I was told he began to cheat. As did my mom. So one day in 89 so packed us up and we moved to FL with my grandma.

My parents got a divorce and my father continued in the ARMY. My sister and I saw him from time to time for summer vacas and he came down here once to visit us where we lived.

Then, one day, he just disappeared. No more calls, no more cards, no more letters. He went AWOL and no one knew where he was. So there my sister and I were, without our hero, our favorite person in the world, our father.

We didnt hear from him for years, in fact, we probably never would have if it wasnt for my mom hiring a PI to find him. In which that person did, he found him. I called and we started talking again. It lasted probably 4 months, before POOF he was gone again. Changed his # and his email address. Everything.

A few years later, we find him again. I call him on Fathers Day, fill him in on whats been going on with me and my sister and he tells me that he cant talk to us and have us in his life due to PTSD. And then POOF gone again. I had given up on everything at that point. If you havent already figured it out by now, I was a daddy's girl. I looked up to him. I remember WAY more about him than my little sister does and had more time with him before he was gone all the time. I thought that he was so awesome because he was fighting for our country. I loved him so very much and took it VERY hard when he just vanished from our lives.

Flash forward to 2011. JULY to be exact. I get a itching in my fingertips to google him. see if I can find out anything with the way the internet is these days. And BAM I see his name in some newletter out of Toledo OH. Its a school newsletter, and he is mentioned in there as a PTA member, so it got me thinking, Ok, did he have another kid?! I start digging and find the name of a SON that he has.

I find out that I have a little half brother. And also that my father was VERY involved in his life, scout leader, pta member, team dad, coach. I was crushed. Here he has 2 daughters out there in the world, and he couldnt give a care in the world.

I search some more, find out his wifes name. Find her on Facebook. Message her. She relayed everything back to him, then he finally would talk. We messaged for a while back and forth again on facebook. Then we started talking on the phone. He came down to see my sister and I in October. Everything seemed to be going very well. Always staying in contact. He has come down here a few times since then. In fact, the last visit was in end of Dec.

Here's the kicker, I now have not talked to him again since he came down last. I havent tried to call him because he hasnt done anything to try to communicate as well. I feel as though I am the one who needs to be feeling as though he wants us in his life. I was trying to see just how long exactly it would be until he would call again. January passed, as did February (my bday is in feb, didnt even get a call from him) March passed and here we are, April, still nothing. Well yesterday I thought that maybe I need to be the BIGGER person and just message him. I did.

You know how FACEBOOK has this new thing were is lets you know with a check mark whether or not a message has been read? Well he has read it, and has not answered back, called, text, nothing.

I think that I just need to be done with all of us. I got to grow up with an amazing person who stepped up to the plate and took his place, so I am blessed. But somthing is always in my head, and breaks my heart, that my real father, who I am so much alike could also be in my life now. I have a 7 month old son, who he cried the first time he held him. I cant imagine why my real dad would take a chance and screw anything up now that he has a chance to make things right. My little sister is pregnant now too, we are willing to give him the oppurtunity to try and make it up to us, and get to experience the fact that he is a grandfather to our children.

so this is my first blog, i never knew anything about this world until my good friend Jenny showed me tumblr. i have alot of things to bother me and i need a outlet to voice it somewhere else other than taking it out on my poor boyfriend. haha. so she sugested maybe typing it out, venting, ranting, raving, whatever it may be. so, here i go..........

i have never had a problem getting along with boyfriends families. in fact, i have always been extremely close with them, with no problems or drama. for some reason with my boyfriend now i cant seem to enjoy their presence.

i guess it all started when i got pregnant. my boyfriends sister and mom were getting upset because i didnt ask them to do anything for the baby shower. i am sorry but i thought that people got together behind the mom to be's back and planned everything out without having to involve her, too much stress, ya know? well after many of times telling them both who to contact to find out what they could do to help, i just gave up. they ended up showing up early to "help" but not doing much, and were far too worried about making sure that the husbands got left overs to help clean up after the shower. so all the drama throughout my pregnancy was for that?! give me a break. it seems since our son has been here too, everything gets a little upset over silly things.

NONE of his family even bother coming down to visit our son, my bfs dad lives 2 mins away, and his sister and mom are in the same county. im sorry, what is stopping you guys?! my family sees my son multiple times through out the week, my mom watches him every saturday because she wants to. its so weird to me that his family wouldnt want to be involved. When they do come around, its every few months and for a short amount of time and the baby is always crying and scared, because he has no idea who the hell they are. ha.

His sister is so snotty it is unreal. Her and her husband think that this is their world, and we are all here living it. To live on their time. its ridiculous. It was her husbands birthday a few weeks ago and they wanted to go out to dinner @ 8pm and have us go up north to them. We have a 7 month old son who goes to bed about that time each night, so we asked them to change the time and we would go, they would not so we did not go. They were very upset, but you see they do not have kids so they would not understand where we are coming from. Last night was his moms birthday dinner, she wanted to see the baby so she made dinner at a restaurant in our town and at 7pm. My bfs sister and husband were picking her up and bringing her down. We got there at 7:15 and waited for them until 8pm when they finally decided to show up. we were livid, but i cant say anything, and my bf wont say anything either. as soon as they walk in, they are complaining about where we were sat. Its a never ending battle with these people and i just dont know how to deal with it.