Make Me Laugh

It’s been a long year. And I’ve been so bitter and sad and just all around fucked up, tbh. Get ready for word vomit.

First off, FOMO is really the worst. I thought about it and honestly, it’s because it was technically my first loss. Like truly lost. And I’m bitter. Of course. I’m still bitter. G really had a point. Maybe they did forgive. And I didn’t. Because I honestly think that out of everyone, I was the most honest. And to come at me, a couple years later with a “everyone was at fault” is such fucking bullshit. No. Nobody else had the balls to stand up to you like a real friend and tell you, you fucked up. And what happened? Motherfucker disappeared. Now everyone else is okay with the past. Lol, no. I need a real sincere apology, not some half assed bullshit. 

Rant number 2:

I am not content. With my job. With my house. With my life. This year has REALLY pushed me to look for better opportunities. And it’s not like that’s a bad thing. But it is when you’re forced to constantly change, ya know. Like I didn’t WANT to move. I didn’t WANT a 2 hour commute and look for a new job. Now I’m in a job that I’m not really sure I’m happy with. I have this new opportunity that’s still far, but makes more money and I might be able to work with my mentor again. Like.. GREAT. But it’s far. Yeah, it’s not forever. Hopefully I can get an apartment of my own. Big girl, shit ya know. Cuz I ABSOLUTELY HATE living here. The amount of passive aggressive racism I have encountered or seen in the last few months is so insane. I know it’s great to surround yourself with other people that aren’t like you, but it’s not fun. It’s not nice at all. It’s actually pretty shitty. The entitlement of some of these people is really just fucking baffling. Honestly, it really is. And IDK if I’m mad because I chose this house. But I am kinda sad that I settled for this job. I was so desperate though. My commute was so shitty. Yet I miss my old coworkers so much. I didn’t know how well I had it. Omg, it was heaven compared to what I have now... holy shit.

Rant number 3:

Marriage can suck it. Love is absolute bullshit. G absolutely adores me but I can’t even think to say “I Love You.” I’m so hurt already. From everything. Letting someone else in just fucking insane. Maybe I can do better? But he’s better for me now. He caters to me so much. And I think I need someone to take care of me. Because I swear to god I’m falling apart every 5 seconds. Love is a long way to go. Maybe it’ll never happen. I’m just so mean. And so closed off. And IDK, I hope he knows I’m just sad and confused and lonely. I tell him all the time I don’t wanna get married and I don’t want kids. Because it’s so scary. My parents are absolute shit. I would never want that for myself. Nor do I want children because I know I’m toxic. But G is still here. Even if he wants marriage and children. He says it’s okay cuz he’s not ready yet. But I’m telling him this is how it ends for us... lol. He doesn’t believe me, but whatevs.

Rant number 4:

Loss. Everyday is a constant battle. I have never ever cried when I’m drunk. But I do now. And it’s probably because that’s the only time I let my emotions come out. Holding it in and letting it fester isn’t healthy. But I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. People are sick of it. I’m sick of it. Which is why I’m doing this. I didn’t know any other way. I’ve been crying a lot lately. Just to let it out. I don’t think it’s enough though. I think the worst part about it is when I KNOW S would understand me more than anybody in the world. I wouldn’t even have to explain it to her, and she knows how I’m feeling. It’s so stressful knowing that I can’t have that. And it’s hard bothering everyone else. Because everyone has lives, ya know. I don’t want to bother them with my bullshit. My sad pathetic bullshit. I hate this. I fucking hate this. People say it gets better. Yeah, better at hiding it. Loss with A and M was a choice. Not my choice. But a choice. Loss with S was not. The world took her away from us. And she was the most important person in my life. I mean really. Aside from family. FUCK. I’m just sad. That’s all.