It feels like despair, dark, doomed, alone, pushed down everywhere, diminished.  I feel like my energy, movement, mind are gripped and hijacked, frozen, consumed.  It’s hard to be with anyone, do anything -- there are so many costumes, masks, roles, soothing others that’s expected of me.  I feel abandoned, failed, isolated, unloved, unable and so much loss (of support and money and friends and circles of connection and meaningful work and status and hope and dreams).  Never lived.  Never becoming a person. I feel deeply enraged, sadness, tired, so much shame and pain, failed and rejected.  I feel like life is over now, more so with each year, and it is so painful to live that I want it to be over.  20+ years of this, some times sever, sometime more forgiving. Manageable with money and a place of my own and an independent job to hide and avoid, that’s gone now. I can’t afford to live. Not me. On-Your-Own. I’m poison, awkward, tense, and make others feel uncomfortable.  A constant battle. So hard to connect with anyone. Make the pain stop. I don’t belong on this world, this culture.
I feel like I’m deeply troubled, not well adjusted, and suffering from abandonment and loss.  I wake up and panic, the job and money have run out, friends are running out, and I feel so alone.  I feel disappointed in myself, in life and I find it hard to find something to live for.
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