Behind the White Couch

Irish step dancing

Fun Fact: My toddler wrote this entirely by smashing a phone into my computer keyboard.

NOW: Take out from the place around the corner. You can have all the food you want because your children refuse to eat anything but toast. You and your partner lock eyes across the table. You start to smile about the absurdity of it all, but then someone gags and you have to determine whether or not to Heimlich them. In the background, a malfunctioning Christmas toy plays, "Let It Go" on repeat.

Parents Magazine made something I wrote into a video with catchy music. But first, you have to watch a Wayfair ad for making an herb garden in your kitchen or some other thing that I assume successful people do with their time.

 Me: Perfect.

I got to do stand up for a good cause

An educational and medically accurate portrayal of one of life’s greatest miracles. 

I wrote a thing in the April edition of @parentsmagazine. Yay thing.

"Yes, it is hard to glow when your stomach is a churning pit of acid that rivals the last scene in The Little Mermaid when Ursula becomes a giant octo-monster and the entire sea rises up with half-digested saltine crackers. Have you tried ginger? There are lots of great ginger anti-nausea products on the market. They are super fun to throw up too."

Trying to clean while the kids are home

Me: I’m sorry. It’s just - I think I finally understand the American dream.

Trying to leave the house with a toddler like

My first humor piece for @parentsmagazine is in the Sept issue! Check it out next time you're at Urgent Care!

- Sand - Pine cones - Pancake syrup - Mulch  - Food that you just got rid of - Spiders - 16 bananas  - Thing on the floor of the car  - Own foot

"Due to rising temperatures, combined with humanity finally coming to an end in a dark, festering pit of despair, the CDC recommends keeping all family members away from social media for the full duration of the summer..."