And I'm flying home temporarily for a month. Half of me doesn't want to leave, but another half of me can't wait. All I can think about is the food and my cats. I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel indifferent about seeing my family. I have been having this feeling for a long time now, I feel disassociated from people. I feel like I don't even feel empathy. Sometimes I don't even feel anything.

I feel bad for people for who cares for me, because I can't feel the same. I really don't know why. It feels like something inside of me just died, somewhere somehow...

A lot has happened since my last post, well not really. Where should I start?

I guess... my 29th birthday? I went on a mini roadtrip with a new friend I met while I was temporarily renting a room in Perth. Some of the drive was a bit nerve-wrecking because some of the roads were too curvy and also narrow. Almost hit an Emu who came out of nowhere. Glad I did that trip, my friend even bought me an Emu keychain for my birthday as a memorable gift which was sweet. I then head to the small town which is 3 hours away from the main city and settled down here for my second year visa. My housemate then brought us out for a birthday dinner at Dome, had seafood basket. Which I'm now sick of it after eating it a few times haha

On October 22nd, I started work at an abattoir. What can I say? It's good money but never again. I've never had a job that was physically demanding. Probably just me though because everyone else seems fine including my friend and housemate. I got sick a few times, had sickness that I never experience in my life ever. The hospital bills was cray cray. I still haven't paid them yet. I "silently quit" or practically just MIA=ed from work which is a very bad thing to do. But I got really sick during my last week of work, not sure what was wrong with my gut. The pain was unbearable and I didn't called in work to let them know. Yikes. I should call them tomorrow.... I hope I have enough days for me to meet the criteria of my second year visa or else I'm dead. InsyaAllah everything will go smoothly.

Also I'm flying back home in a week, I can't wait to go home. I plan to stay there for a month before coming back to Australia and find another job that would not affect my mental health lol

This is also my first time fasting in another country, alhamdulillah it's not bad at all. Especially since I'm not working or else I don't think my body could take it standing for 8/9 hours. Allah's plan is always the best.

Now.... my love life. I am now in a relationship with a 53 year old man. Honestly don't know how it started because I obviously did not plan to fall for someone that is my mother's age. Please. I thought my ex was the oldest I would go for but God has other plans. Beside his age and marital status, he is a very sweet guy. I never had someone who is obsessed with me like he does. To think of it, I don't know if this relationship started because we're both lonely or it's just fate. Don't know where this would go or how long it would last but as you know me, I just go with the flow. I also realised that I have no self-control when it comes to men. I need to stop jumping into relationships. I am ashamed that he is married, like what am I doing.

During my last post, I was still in a mess with my ex. It's been 4 months since I left Singapore and I'm happy to say that I'm over him. I don't feel anything towards him and I don't think about him. I don't miss him when he doesn't talk to me. My heart does not yearn for him anymore. It doesn't hurt me when I see him post about his girlfriend or when he tells me things about her. The only reason that I allow him to contact me is that he owes me money which he takes forever to return.

I've been happy with my life overseas, I even own a car now. I'm very grateful to Allah for this opportunity even though I have not been behaving myself. I do miss home, my family, cats and my friends. I try not to think about it too much because it will make me feel homesick and I don't want that.

I also got to know a new guy, we've been talking to each other everyday since I was here. I thought things were going great but he did not want to do long distance. Was kinda disappointed because I do like him but oh well, some things are not meant to be eh?

Need to type this down as I need some clarity. My head is in a mess, I can't think clearly and I have nobody to talk to about this. Sometimes it's kind of sad to think I don't feel safe with anyone to be vulnerable with.

Anyway.... been seeing my ex behind his girlfriend's back. Don't judge me. We have been meeting up a lot since my last blog post. Meeting him is a bad idea honestly because it's not helping me get over him and it clouds my judgement. It is true that love makes you blind. I've been watching a romantic Korean drama series and it doesn't help either. It really sucks that I can't think of someone else besides him.

Do I regret reporting him causing him to go to jail? Honestly no, I did the right thing. Knowing him, he does not take accountability for his actions. Although part of me feels bad because he told me I kind of "ruin" his life as he will have a hard time finding a job after he serve his sentence. That's probably true but I didn't do the crime. I can't witness something and not report it especially if it's crime against women. It's really disrespectful. I have to remind myself that what he did was wrong and unforgivable? Deep down I don't even know why I'm still treating him nicely. Do I really lack of self-respect and love?

I accompanied him to the court the other day, it's embarrassing for me because it's like I'm supporting him although I don't. He did it 27 times across 8 months. I wouldn't know if I wasn't there. I didn't see that much when I look through his phone. Honestly typing this out makes me think what the hell? Why am I still here in his life and why am I letting him be in my life?

I feel guilty just imagining being his girlfriend and not knowing that he has been seeing and saying I love you to his ex. God, but it's so hard to let go, it's like I have this unhealthy attachment towards him and I don't know why. I want to cry because I feel so sad for myself. Makes me think that I'm such a loser not being able to walk away from a man that has hurt me multiple times in our relationship and now this. I know it's not my responsibility and I shouldn't expect him to change.

Only Allah knows why this happened and why we met. I wonder if I'm meant to be in his life to send him to jail and make him repent? While I discover that I'm a pathetic loser who doesn't love herself. I let love control me. I would do anything for love apparently....

I don't know why my heart hurts a little bit every time I see their pictures together and knowing that she's with him at his place. It's almost been 2 months since we broke up. And apparently he met this girl 4 days after. You know what, screw this. I cried that night when he showed me the video, I've cried a lot ever since we broke up. As I'm typing this, tears is starting to fill up my eyes. I know he's not even worth my tears. Perhaps I'm toxic too, I know that we won't work out and wants to leave him multiple times but I hate seeing him with someone else. It's just not fair, I truly loved him but yet it's so easy for him to find a replacement while I have nobody to cry to except for my cats. At this point of time, only Allah knows how I'm really feeling and how much my heart hurts.

I hope when I leave the country in June, I could start afresh and leave all of these feelings behind. I'm not sure if I still want to keep in touch with him when he's released. I feel like he has no moral support. I know it's not my job and he has his girlfriend to fall on but sometimes I can't help myself having pity for him. I don't know how to explain it. I have to remind myself he's not a good man, that explains his 2 divorces huh. I really hope the time in prison would make him think and reflect about himself and his actions. I pray for him to be a better man when he's out.

Didn't realised that I typed out so much, i have so many unspoken words in my mind don't I? I have been having restless sleep because of this. I can't stop thinking about him everyday still. He say he still loves me and misses me but I don't think he means it. But here I am still giving him the opportunity to meet him and spend time with him. I feel like he's just using me because his girlfriend is going away for I don't know how long. Sometimes the things he says about his girlfriend doesn't match with my "research". I'm not sure whether he's lying to me or his girlfriend is lying to him. I mean, he is a liar. He has lied to me so many times and never admitted it even the proof is there. I stupidly take him back after that too.

I hope when I'm in Australia it's out of sight and out of mind for me. I need to stop listening to sad love songs. I need to work on myself and hopefully Allah will give me a sweet, nice man that I deserve. I know that I'm capable of loving someone so much and I will give my whole heart.. I hope when I'm alone in another country, I can improve on my relationship with Allah. That's what I've been asking after my prayers anyway.

I have been in a relationship for 5 years, I must've accumulated millions of sins. Maybe this is a step forward to a brighter future. But it's very hard to take a step forward, my leg feels so heavy to move. Even after all the hurt and lies he put me through, why is it hard to move forward? Why do i still think about you? Everywhere I go there's memory of us, even the smallest thing. It's like I know what you like and whenever I see them it reminds me of you.

sugary drinks: 0, stalking ex on socials: too much to admit, sad songs on repeat: approx. 10 hours

Where do I start? Been asking ex for my clothes back, but he's taking forever to let me collect it. Understandable, still angry with me. Should've chucked everything in my bag the previous time I met him. Which turned out bad because there was an altercation and got a little physical.

A bit salty because those are my one and only favourite jerseys at his place which he refused to let me bring it back home. Sigh... Also need my swim wear for diving next month. Wouldn't care if those are bought using his money but they are mine.

Been thinking about relationship a lot, not jealous or salty he has a new girlfriend because we were never incompatible. 2 different worlds that can't adapt to each other hence separation. New girl seem to fit his type or lifestyle. Wish best of luck.

Always prayed wanted to be a better Muslim, and prayer answered I guess. Can't be better if I'm still with him, wasted a lot and gained a lot of sins while with him. Time to focus on myself.

Still have one painting left, thought of painting during free time, because usually all free time are spent on him. Instead, been binge watching Bridget Jones's Diary and finished first book which I bought many moons ago.

Not sure if mum's noticed I've been home a lot and coming back earlier than usual. Used to go home late almost every night because of "friends" or "work".

Tried dating apps, but honestly not in the mood or interest to meet someone new. Too awkward and lazy to socialise. Will wait for time in Australia, maybe soulmate is there.

Anyway, not sure when I'm leaving. Haven't found job even though I received a lot of messages. Anxious waiting for visa to be approved.

It's 9.39pm while typing this sentence. Kinda sleepy, didn't nap at work. Will be going across the border with my mum and spend my money. Perks of being a singleton is that I spend less money, may also add perks of not dating a broke boyfriend.

Can't fall asleep thinking about ex lover with new woman

I'm not even bitter to be honest but not sure why it bothers me. Should be more like Bridget Jones without the drinking and smoking. Fine being a singleton than being with a lying bastard.

Been with him for almost half a decade, so nothing new. All is always good in the beginning, but true colours will surely emerge in time to come. Hope new lady will be strong enough.

Promise to self not to fall for a Daniel Cleaver, but Mark Darcy shall be my standard for next partner.

It's only been less than a month since we had a big fight, and he has already moved on. It doesn't really bother me as much as I thought it would. Part of me knew him well that he would act like this. It's almost been 5 years, and I guess after all this time, I've been telling myself he's not worth it. I'm finally learning to let go for real. All those big fights have prepared me for this day to come.

He's not my problem anymore. He probably won't change just like the past 5 years. I feel like his view of love is so skewed that it messed my view. I lost myself trying to be someone he wanted, but I'm not doing that anymore. He's just not worth sacrificing my faith and for what I stand for. If he changed for the better with his new girl, then I'm happy for him. Because all this time, I just wanted the best for him to be better than he used to. Although that's not my job. Can't make someone change to something they never wanted to be.

I've cried too many tears for the past few years that at this final stage, I can't cry anymore. I've been doing things I've enjoyed ever since his absence. I don't have to worry about trusting someone wrong anymore. It doesn't make me feel anxious. And I don't feel stupid for staying and spending my time with someone like him.

I won't deny that I can't forget about all the good times and laughter that we had, but at what cost? My youth? My time? My future? My faith?. I'm proud of myself for finally getting both of my feet out of the door because all these while it had always been one foot out.

The moments you're not here,

And the moments when I miss you the most,

I wish I would've taken more videos of our moments together,

I miss what I thought you were or what you could've been

When I listen to love songs or watch a romantic movie all I can think about is you

But I know you will never be the guy I imagined you to be

Slowly these rose coloured glasses are slipping off me

It's time I see you clearly, the person I thought I loved, but not

But oh God, when I dive in deeper... we're really different. Our worlds would simply clash. But here I am still with him. I don't understand myself. I just hope when I'm able to live abroad, I can leave him and the memories behind. I hope I'll be mentally stronger by then. They say "you accept the love you think you deserve" and I don't get it. I know I deserve better but why can't I just walk away? I keep coming back to him. He don't respect my boundaries and he didn't get any better throughout these years. He has no emotional maturity and maybe so do I. Guess this is just a lesson from God because everyone you meet in life is there for a reason.

I have been wanting to "write" in this diary but I left my laptop at my workplace for a bit so I don't really have privacy.

Anyway, I brought my laptop back because I wanted to apply for my work holiday visa. Can't wait for it to be approved, I studied almost 3 years for this opportunity to come. It has been my dream ever since I was in my teenage days. Took awhile for me to be where I'm at but I'm glad I didn't give up on myself.

I have not figured out what I want to do yet but I really hope I get to work with animals. That's my passion and I enjoy it wholeheartedly. At the same time, it does expose me to what I don't see behind the scenes. I feel bad for the animals especially looking at the animals cramped up in crates etc.

I also lost one of my cat, a week ago. I wasn't at home and I regret not going back home that day. Honestly, I still have regrets about how I treated my grandma and now this. Sometimes my head is in a mess and I will never show it. I've got really good at masking my emotions.

Sometimes I guess the depressed 7 year old kid in me has not left me, I tried going for therapy a few years ago but I chickened out. Coward.

I'm not used to being emotionally vulnerable to anyone, I grew up in a household that's not emotionally transparent. I kept most of my feelings bottled up inside of me...

Some nights when there's too much, I let myself cry to sleep. I like traveling alone to new places where everyone doesn't know me, cliché but I feel liberated in a way I can't quite describe.

I hope someday I'm able to learn how to express my emotions without being played down. I guess that's why I like to be anonymous, I can say whatever or however I'm feeling at that moment without someone relating it to me in the future.

You make me high when I'm with you and forget my troubles

But when I'm away, I know I shouldn't be with you

I can't stop my addiction, I don't know how to quit cold turkey

I'm so used to you, makes me think if I can find the high with someone else

Half of me loves him, another half wants to leave him.

I guess I'm not confused, I am fully aware what's really in my heart. I'm ignorant.

I know he doesn't deserve me, I 've told myself that thousands of times. He's a misogynist, never respected woman.

Funny how I don't respect myself either to walk away after all the agony he put me through...

There are times where I really can't stand him, I wish I never met him.

But I guess everything happens for a reason... I learned to establish my boundaries next time, what kind of man I really want to be with.

And I'm still with the same person who hurt me the most. Most of the time I question myself, why am I still with him despite all the pain and lies he puts me through? Why can't I just walk away.

I am not proud of who I have become, why is hard to let you go? Why do I love you this much? 

You make me laugh and you make me smile, but you made me cry and broke my heart too many times. You made me have sleepless nights. You broke my trust. You never kept your promise, you lie to my face, you cheat on me with no remorse. You were physical with me, I hate it when you’re drunk. You never think with your head when you’re angry. You apologise with your words but not with your heart. And yet, I still take you back.

It’s obvious that you’re wrong for me, and I promised myself I would never go back to you but I did. Plenty of times. I can’t even tell my friends the truth that we’re back together because I’m ashamed of my decision.

This was the night I had enough of him, I walked away.

He used physical force on me, he was drunk.

I didn't fight back because he just had an operation. That night made me realised he wasn't worth all the time and love I put into him. He has always took me for granted but I always made up reasons for him.

I know the kind of person he is but I chose to stay, which is the biggest mistake. I should've put my self-worth first.

That night he pushed and pulled me hard. He made me fall, he caused pain and bruises on my body. It's not just physical pain but also emotionally.

It's almost been 3 weeks since I talked or see him, and it's not getting easier. I miss the good times and laughter but I remind myself everyday that it doesn't matter.

The way he treated me that night showed me the truth. He never meant anything that he says. Never kept his promises. Never truly loved me anyway.

I sacrificed so much of my time and effort to see him, to be there for him but yet he doesn't do the same for me.