BehindCLOSEDOORS. @behindclosedoors - Tumblr Blog

You want affection but you are not affectionate nor do you give affection.

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09.26.2020

She keeps replaying those words said to her.

& she replied with those same words.

But did she respond the same just to spare feelings?

Or is she in denial because she never experienced these type of feelings which is the scariest part.

She finds herself holding back just to protect herself.

She’s sacrificed so much only to feel unappreciated.

Yet she has so much love to give.

But feels so out of love to never want to experience being in love.

She feels safest when she’s alone to avoid getting hurt once again.

Reflection: February 2020

February 8 Best Friend’s 29th Birthday

February 9 ian’s Sunday Birthday Brunch at Republic

February 11 My 30th Birthday Glam Photoshoot Taco Tuesday at Cabo February 13 Happy Birthday Aubrey Birthday Lunch with my little brother Enano at Mike Deli

February 14 Text msgs at 711pm: giphy via #images Happy Valentines Day. Him:Yea wyd My thought: Really?

February 15 Dinner at Joey DTLA with cousins Shoo Shoo Baby The Mayfair

February 16 Happy 8th Birthday Niece ; Scottie Brunch at The Court Cafe February 19 Nephew’s 5th Birthday

February 21 Birthday Happy Hour at Wokano with Letra February 22 Birthday Celebration with my sis Arie at Hennessy Tavern & Patrick Molloys *Got kicked out of Pat (that’s the first time I’ve ever been kicked out the bar.

February 24 Happy Birthday Cousin Raven

February 29 Bryce’s 5th Celebration at John’s Incredible Pizza Kickback with L

Rest In Peace To Her 20′s

With 2.10.2020 being the last day of my 20′s, I reflect. During my 20′s in . . .

2019 Graduate with my masters in Information Technology Management Worked 5 Jobs Pay Increase Without warning, ending a toxic 20-year friendship

2018 Victim of Robbery Financial Woes Deep depression Suicidal

2017 Survived 2 car accidents Graduate with my bachelors from CSUDH Purchased my 2nd car. Started masters program from GCU Birth of my niece Alia

2016 Best Friend - Decease. After 3 years of saving, I purchased my first car 2016 Toyota Corolla LE. No Co-Signer

2015 Quit Job ( wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of firing me over some BS) Birth of my nephew Bryce Become a Personal Assistant @ The Beverly Hills Hotel County of Los Angeles Public Defender Office Employee Building my faith and relationship with God

2014 Internship at MGO 2013 Acceptance Letter from CSUDH Transferred from ECC to CSUDH

2012 Birth of my niece Scotland.

2011 Rape victim Major Surgery

2010 Lossing my grandmother. I miss her everyday.

Biggest Accomplishments of my 20′s Goal: finish school before the age of 30 Age 23 Transfer from Junior College to 4 Year University Age 27 Bachelors Degree from CSUDH Age 29 Masters Degree from GCU *Applied/received associate degree after completing undergrad. [ I prayed & asked God that my parents would live to see me graduate. I'm so thankful they were able to witness me graduating from college. Its the one thing in my life I can say I’m the proudest of]

Shoutout to Principal Thelma Brown who told me in 2009 I couldn't walk across during my high school graduation. “The motivation for me was them telling me what I would not be, oh well” - Jay-z & Pharrell; I’m So Ambitious

In the end, as I close this last chapter of my 20′s, I look back & realize I’ve endured so much shit that could have killed me (physical, emotional, mentally) but it made me stronger than I could ever imagine.

Thank you Lord for these 29 Years of Life.

It's been real. Farewell 20′s

Reflection: January 2020

1/1 New Year Day

1/5 & 1/6 Quality Time with my niece Alia & Joe Bean Revamped Vision Board for 2020.

1/9 Spex listening party at The Blind Barber Bar.

1/15 Quality time with ROD Pre-Birthday Shopping for my 30th BIrthday 1/18 Anlen’s Sip & See Finally, meet my new niece.

1/18 Ashley & Kevin’s Gender Reveal My Godsister is having twin girls. 1/19 Sneakertopia & Wokano with Tia Lena.

1/26 Rest In Peace Kobe & Gigi Bryant I literally cried for three days straight. I am still having a hard time processing this loss. But from this day forward, everything I do now . . . #MambaMentality

1/27 Pay increase at work. So my supervisor informed me that she wanted to increase my pay rate. Now to be completely honest when we had the conservation I didn't believe for one second I’d actually get a pay increase. Well on this day, I received a text msg from the person who handles payroll that with my new hourly rate. I couldn't believe it. 1/31 Meeting for a new possible opportunity. On 1/24 I received an email about being eligible for a new opportunity. So I immediately responded and received a response on 1/29 to come in discuss requirements and expectations on 1/31 at 9am. I believe the meeting went well just praying that this is for me, its mines. I am speaking it into existence.

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12/31/2019

Today was a day I literally had to force myself to do something I didn’t want to do considering I didn’t agree with the decision made.

It’s like a damn if you do, damn if you don’t type scenario

If I didn’t go it would have looked bad, also could potentially but a strain on the kinship

I had to put my feeling to side which was hard because in that moment I was going through the motions.

But I had to tell myself what’s done is done. It’s out of my control and all I can do is leave it in the hands of god.

2019 Recap

January Finally revealed my truth. February Completed Master Program 29th birthday March 31st of March - Rest.In.Peace Neighborhood Nip

April First family trip: Arizona Graduation: Graduate from GCU May 2 new sources on income

June Graduation Celebration

July Farewell DDN September ATL (One Music Fest) - 1st Girls Trip

October Beginning of something new.

November

Started saving & one month ahead

December

San Diego on NYE

So, when you see me in person, up close and personal please keep the same energy.

True Colors

For years I have been saying this, & today, I finally received my confirmation. I’m so thankful God revealed this to me. So I know its real.

Thank me later, thanks for nothin’, thanks for bluffin’ Thank you so, so much for wearin’ your true colors To every single fuckin’ function

Drake

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June. Invited you to a birthday celebration. You declined. Said you don’t go out. You just go to work & go home.

July. But last night, 7/25/2019 to be exact. You out celebrating someone birthday. Blurry Night.

All the lies you tell.

You talked a good game. Your words ain’t never match your actions.

Time

Time is an asset. Time should be respected, valued & appreciated. Therefore use your time effectively.

Remember “Priorities: When someone tells you they are too “busy” it’s not a reflection of their schedule; its a reflection of YOUR spot on their schedule. ” - Steve Maraboli

On the outside looking in, it would appear as if I have everything all figured out. No, I don’t. Hi, my name is Zina. I’m a recent college graduate who keeps asking herself, what’s next. I’ve literally been in school for ten years so now it feels like something is missing. I’ve even considered going back to school. Extension Program or Doctoral Program.

Last week, was emotional draining with the death of Nipsey Hussle. As a result of this, it’s put a few things into perspective for me.

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Out of Sight.

When they no longer have access to you, they begin to reach out (via text message) to see what’s going on with you.

We get so upset when people call us the B word but I've defined it. A BEING IN TOTAL CONTROL OF HERSELF. & every woman needs that part of her cause see it's your BITCH that will back people up. It's her who will let people know that they've crossed your boundaries or violated you.

Iyanla Vanzant

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