the twist is you're just like me

Trying to take a picture that portrays how I feel inside, and this is pretty close I suppose. Except for I kind of feel like I want to cry, but I don't think that is conveyed. Not sure there is any particular reason for it, but there probably is. Instead I will go inside and see some awesome people and pretend that I'm happier than I am. Which is currently decidedly not, but is typically at least neutrally so.

Winter is coming, well not quite. Approaching that time of year where everything will be as dead as I am inside. Lately I've been in my feels. Perhaps I will vent about it. In my safe space where nobody will see it and it will be like it never happened. Though in all seriousness, if I am remotely capable, I am probably due for my annual cry. 🥲

In other life news, I messaged my ex that hates me on instagram and she isn't going to respond, which is actually ideal. I'm glad that she seems happy and comfortable in her life, and I certainly wouldn't want to jeapordize her situation with a potential acquaintance or reminiscense of times passed that she isn't fond of. I should be solely focused on my own life and happiness, which I have not been doing a great job of. My disinterest in people in general is probably not good for me. The fact that I have not had much strong feelings for women since my ex is a bit disconcerting. For Christmas, my sister got me 3 months worth of gift cards for match.com, where she met her fiance. While being a mildly insulting slap in the face, it is also probably a red flag. However, I may be falling in love with a woman who runs a local luncheonette, but it's probably just because she makes the best food I've ever eaten. Also, Joe Biden is President. So 2021 is shaping out to be a much better year so far.

So, clearly I am winning at life. Other things going on, but nothing I feel like discussing on here at the moment. Sorry to disappoint the (probably 0) people who read this. Though I really should do this more often, for the sake of the catharsis. Back into politics again after much hiatus, trying to pick up some different perspectives. Luckily I have the benefit of pretty much hating both political parties at this point. Been SJWing it up on facebook comments against the particularly ignorant and entrenched Trump base. Going to listen to the final political debate whilst I work today, heaven help me. Couldn't possibly be as bad as the first...right?. Fin.

It's been...over 3 years now since I moved to PA. Haven't really moved on though. Things have happened to me. Been working a job, that has me doing different things, got a new car. Haven't really met new people, outside of the few that I work with, haven't really started a life here. How fucking sad is that. Was going through organizing old papers, found some old notes from the ex. She must have cared about me, more than most because it seems like I was an ass, which doesn't surprise me. I'd like to think at one point in our relationship I was worth it. Maybe at the start. I was a shit person, along the way I know it. I'm not going to go into things, but I play back different situations and times and memories as I try to get a glimpse of how things were and why I was how I was. She was an awesome person, and I made her feel bad about herself. It wasn't something I did intentionally, maybe if in a fight like people may do on occasion. I think I was a lot of the times just cold and she did not deserve that. Still, through my faults, I still loved her. Of all the people in the world, she was the closest I've been to. Often times that was never close enough for her liking. She said in one of the letters, probably written not long before we broke up, that she wanted a dog and life with me, but she didn't think I wanted that. That things were much more difficult than they should probably be. I don't know. Things were difficult. I was not happy, with myself. With where I was in my life with work, with money. I wanted to move back here where I could hopefully be better. It wasn't fair for me to ask her to go with me, with how things were. With how I was. I think I am better. I think things worked out for the best. I know she has a dog and someone and hopefully the life she wanted. I hope she is happy. Not like me. I hope she doesn't think about me and how things may have been different. That said, it's past time for me to be not like me.

Amen

Captain Kirk in the streets, Spock in the sheets.

Surprised I remembered my Tumblr password and got in this account on the first attempt. I read from this book a couple stories while in the waiting room at the hospital today. Good book. I need to read more. Got a couple more my ex let me borrow and a long standing reading list of my own. I don't think I was supposed to keep these, but such is life. In addition, a note she once left me, tucked in the cover. Memories of a time someone cared enough and how much I was undeserving. I thought perhaps as I finish them, I will leave them places for someone to find and perhaps enjoy. A romanticized thought. Odds are they would just end up in the trash. Maybe I will just donate them, or hang on them until I can find someone who might enjoy them. Don't think anyone on here notices my presence or absence, but I don't feel like this post will be followed up any time soon, but who knows.