Hippie Mermaid Wanders

this year, I succumbed to an intense personal development retreat. Too hesitant at first so I noted the most important and only criterion: catharsis. I think thats what I got and more. Its been powerful to dialogue with my unconscious. I tend to find deep moments of introspection boring, yet I always seem to realise that life would have been unbearable had I not endured them. Our truths are our tools. Our stories are our springboards. But fears, exhaustion and pain come on occasion and hide our true power from us. This is why we retreat. This is why we dig deep. To remember who we are and what we’re made of. To know that we are not only our fears, or fame, or failures. To peak inside and discover that we are always, always so much more at the core. When youre finally aware of your own fullness, of the gaping galaxies you hold inside, all your problems and worries seem to boil down to this: “What am I planning to do with all this light?” May 2019 be the year of YOU. besides, you shouldn’t mind being a little selfish if incites you become a happy giver. ☺️ Step into the light with me?

Do you ever feel as though you are at once fighting through existence and flowing through it. There has to be a word for this state- when every fiber of your being now understands that life is hard but, finally, you don’t mind it. When the difficulty at last meets your readiness, the readiness to face it and to accept and learn from whatever it serves you, and to let the experience humble the fuck out of you. You recognize these moments when you do something true/brave- perhaps, nearly crazy- but this time, instead of the usual urge to panic and cower back, you take the leap headlong, and even be the first person to tell you “everything will be ok” . It’s tempting to fight yourself due to the stress that comes with the difficulty and uncertainty life presents, but it is precisely in these moments you need you to back you up. It is all a journey, they say- may I add, a whole lot different when you are kinder to yourself. If you’re going to fight your way through life you might as well be on YOUR team. Be easy on you as you are becoming.

They tell you that your early twenties are your prime but something tells me that my late twenties are the years I will always remember and will really, really miss when I get older. I feel more adjusted to life at this point, even though it still didn’t give me the seat I truly wanted. I’m now more aware that growth is a bumpy ride and adulating is hard- but there is also a genuine acceptance of that and solid action plans to match. In these years, you seem to understand the world and the people around you better, but not so much that it leaves you feeling like you’ve seen everything and want to settle. You’re a lot stronger and smarter, but in many ways, still a student and a starter. There’s still more work to be done, more lessons to be had, love to be given, and art to be made. Only it feels like for the first time in a long time, you’re a lot less afraid.

  The antidote, I learned, is not exactly to forgive others quickly. Rather, it’s about moving your focus away from your “wounders” first. Grudges are stories we tell ourselves of which the plot is that this specific other should have been kinder to us or given us what we needed. It plays this narrative over and over and traumatizes us again and again. The idea is to be alone in “your” presence first. Take your time to listen to your grudge’s bemoaning, and see if you can fill in the thing it so desperately asks. You’ve been wanting it from someone for so long but have you ever thought of stepping in to give that thing to you? Because that’s possible too. And maybe even more satisfying. That’s the beauty of being your own provider. When you’re first to love you, every other love you get feels less like an order and more like a gift. Maybe, just maybe, if you treat yourself this way, things will be easier to forgive. And maybe this is how your rid of this world of monsters- by first freeing the one from your own cage.

yet another time.

like how the flowers trust the sun, i look over at you and see the sunshine 🌻

This is an education for the creator in me. Salamat, Siargao,

So it's yes to things that offer some sort of transcendental leisure: a funny book, saying sorry, a cup of coffee, a squeeze of the hand in assurance.

Let them talk behind your back. Let them gossip and jeer in the privacy of their group chats. Because that’s where they’re safe. That’s where cowards hide. Take comfort in the fact that they don’t know you, your fears and struggles, your loss and triumphs, or your dreams for the future. But you, you know you. And keep believing and trusting in you. Continue to be despite their misguided judgments. Because the true courageous act is reaching out, communicating, and knowing someone else instead of taking the easy route of backbiting.