MEGAN BOYLE ONLINE WEBSITE REBLOG TUMBLR STATION

AUGUST 1, 2013

6:52AM: TRANSCRIPTION OF VIDEO UPDATE:

this is my third try at doing this 'cause i keep on...ending up rambling. today's august first, i said i'd--i would update the liveblog today, i don't feel like writing, it's six fifty-two a.m. i got...uh, i'm in...new york. i was in...my...in maryland, at my mom's. for some days. um. um. tonight--really briefly, what i've been doing--um. my friend jordan is visiting either tonight or the next...day...and he's allergic to cats, so most of tonight since i've gotten home i've been cleaning the apartment. um. i've be--i've been--(points to bottle) this isn't really coconut water. it's just water. (picks up windex). i've been using this to kill--i left a lemon on my windowsill, a-nd...it was full of fruit flies when i got back. so, um. i don't recommend this way...of killing...bugs? because i think...this is...poison? um, because it kills them. but i-it, it is good, you demobilize them. um...and i think eventually like, even if you don't...smash them after you de-mobilize, they like. slowly kinda lose their...faculties, or something. they go on their own. i've been getting a lot tonight, i probably killed like twenty...or something, tonight. i can't believe there's so many, i feel like they're breeding. um. but i--where? where? where are they breeding? um. i'm pretty good at getting them with my hands.

i went...to maryland...'cause the guy i was seeing, who--i don't (nose laugh)--the ‘omitted’ person? um, that ended. i don't wanna get in...to...it, 'cause. i don't. wanna. give him the. satisfaction (laugh) of getting talked about, anymore, by me. it ended pretty bad. um. and. so i was hanging out with mom--i didn't do any of the things, in maryland, that i said i was gonna do, um. which were to, like. something with my phone. um. and print out, uh. applications for schools. (exhale).

so cleaning the apartment: that's what i've been doing...uh. (pause). last night. (pause). you can't tell how clean it is, 'cause i tried to show in anoth--that's the laundry, that i have there. right now it's a temporary...comforter, temporary, uh--my old one--'cause...the cats...peed...while i was gone....so i u-uh, a lot--i shampooed--i was shampooing and blow-drying the...mattress, a lot. all the cat pee's out. i just don't wanna. um. i just wanna sleep with a mattress pad on it tonight. no sheets. um.

so i guess i'll show you--four minutes, is that kinda long?--(pause). show you some stuff that's different.

(picks up picture) um, th-this? th-this. this? um. i...this is called 'fucked tuna.' there it--there he is. there's the other ones. i commissioned tao to make that, um. 'cause he made a similar one. for someone, and i thought. he gave it to me like really cheap. i really like the colors of it. and. um. just like, i like (close-up of picture) that, the...what's going on, with that (laughs). um. it was really nice. of him. to do that, cheap.

um. bathroom...? is anything different in the bathroom? dyed my hair? in here? a couple weeks ago? i got a zit, it's like...the last...kinda...days...of my perio--i really, i--i just--you can't tell i-i, i just--i cleaned it. the apartment. i cleaned it really hard, tonight. um. did i say why? i forget if i said why. doesn't matter.

um. what else. let's get a variety of (nose laugh) shots. um, tha--i don't know, it's--it just looks really...clean to me. like, the surfaces. and then there's not much crap around anywhere.

um. oh--uh. (pause). here (opens freezer): i was disappointed to only find spinach, when i got home? 'cause i thought i had bananas, and i could make a green smoothie thing, tomorrow? guess i can't. (opens refrigerator). here's the refrigerator situation, um. on the top shelf i have kimchi, raw, and red cabbage, raw. cat food, as usual. got some garlic. some hot sauce. um, i still have this chia mixture thing. i'm kind of afraid. to see what happens with that, and. under there--you can't tell, but i threw away the milk--i had milk--and uh, a bud clamato? thing? um...that...i got both of those with uh, whatev—‘omitted,’ or whatever (nose laugh). it doesn't matter. um.

um, so i'm gonna show you this other stuff, now? really quick, about my mo--my mom and i talked a lot. i had a really good time. with mom. and i had a good talk with dad, today, too. (exhale). mom gave me a lot of jewelry. for kind of a sad reason. kinda, uh. she thinks they're probably...she wants...me and my sister to have...some of her, stuff. before. she (whisper) dies, or something. um. so. she's into...um--i'll get into that in a second. she gave me, earrings, th-thes--she has a lot of nice jewelry. it's like, 'nice.' these are like emeralds, or something? and then, she let me pick out rings--i used to wear rings a lot. um. and, these i've always had, and i've felt a little weird about...wearing them just plain, um--this one's my grandma's engagement ring. and then, this one's my mom's...something...special. um, but i-i, i feel wei--like. a little like. it's not my 'married' finger, but it looks like i'm--i don't know. i don't know. i feel weird about wearing them. but i really like them. but i feel like it looks less weird. 'cause (laugh) i have...other rings, now. um, this one? it's a stone called like peridot, and. it's on mars, my mom said. they found it on mars. and then this one--this, is special, to me, because my mom watches the jewelry channel, a lot, it's--and, um. um. knoxville tennessee or something--it's not home shopping network but it's like that, and. um. she ordered this. she orde--sh-she, she just bu--she likes the people on it, and. s-she has, all these like plates with like rocks and crystals and stuff on them, she. used to be into crystals, a littl--when i was little. 'cause she's like, 'they're--you should have them. they hold you onto the ground' or something and, other reasons, she has this whole thing about crystals. which i think is really cute. and she. so she gave me--she gave me this, which is like an old butter dish, they used to put butter in this. and these are all from the jewelry channel. they're all pretty...pretty! sparkly! just nice, you know--nice little...jewels--and she's like, just--just look at them sometimes. and think about how. pretty, they are. and, um. and feel nice. so i'm gonna do that. it's funny to be talking about stuff like this like, 'oooh oooh, rocks! and stuff,' but. um. (pause) and like, stuff! like stuff, that she was like, 'you can't. give. anyone. any blowjobs, if you wear this,' (laugh) um, or, 'you can't have butt-sex,' (laugh) and...'you should start taking care of yourself' or, something, and. um. i-i, i don't--but i...like? doing those...things? some peop--i don't know, she was ver--uh, i. i don't--i don't know. um.

so anyway it's weird 'cause...it feels kinda cool, kinda different, to have those things. um.

i think that's about it. for what's happened tonight.

i ea--i ate, i have oxycodone, and i have xanax--i ate two milligrams of xanax, earlier, and...fifteen total oxycodone tonight, since (pause) around probably like, eight p.m. and i still. i'm having a hard time sleeping, a lot. (exhale) and...um. overall feeling...um. i was feeling pretty good, i was feeling pretty good. then the thing with, um. the person. happened. then i felt pretty bad, i've been feeling pretty bad. uh, since tha--that happened friday. today's wednesday--or thursday, now, technically--jeez almost a week. um. so. i don't know...if i'm gonna wanna update...liveblog, right now. for the next few days. 'cause i wanna be hanging out with jordan and stuff. and not thinking. and not wanna type stuff.

before...um...i g--part of my thing, part of my plan, when i stopped...doing...the liveblog thing, i was like 'i'm gonna write, uh, i'm gonna start writing articles. for vice. again. and i'm gon-na...apply...to s--to colleges,' and i...i sent in my fafsa. forms. for, colleges. um. but i really haven't done much of anything yet. um, and i thought i would. those were kinda things i wanted to kinda straighten out, er. or like, i'm gonna do research studies...or something. um (pause). f-eeling in general...like i don't have anything...to say (laugh). to...or con-trib-ute, to stuff. that was another thing with the guy. 'omitted' guy. he kinda has his shit together and i kinda don't. it seemed to not bother him but maybe it did. um, i don--i don't, actually i don't think--i don't know what it was, um. he seems more...kinda obsessed, with like...sex, than me...um....i could take, or leave...sex (laugh). um, and he...did i say he cheated on me? i said it on twitter. he cheated on me. that's never happened to me in the, the um. (shows necklace) this is from coldwater cr-creek (laugh), um. never happened to me in the beginning, the beginni--like, the two months, 'beginning'--it's...happened at the end, when things are already bad, or i've agreed with the person, like, 'we're gonna see other people' and. and i-i, i'm pretty sure--uh, i don't know, i don't wanna get into...um...talkin'...shit—

days just keep going by, and then they turn into night, and then they turn into morning, and i'm up for all of it, and it sucks. um. and i'm...flaky...person (laugh) to hang out with, but then, so seems kind of, everyone, sorta...um, tolerated in this particular group of people that i like hanging out with sometimes? um. (pause). i'm probably the worst, 'cause i'm not even good at emails or stuff. or, uh. or being...consistent, with stuff...or...anything. so...

i guess that's about it, um. (pause). no matter what, it--it always feels a little better if the apartment's clean, if everything is really really super-clean, really--surfaces are all dusted and, um, laundry--it's just like...there's less cells, of. that person. here. uh (pause). or, yeah. there's just less of it. um. this is really long. thanks for listening if you want. it's--here, this--let this...tide you...ov--i (laugh)--uh. i'm not gonna update for a few days, so...um...stupid, stupid stupid stupid st--okay, um. the end thank you for listening goodbye.

Here’s the video I transcribed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_IyCWgR-Rw&index=31&list=PLsyt9f4wsCrZYQC6w_DbLdlJ18P2C_wJb&t=0s

Here’s a video of me reading this transcription: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDB2XP2um0M

8:40am may 23 2016

i was in new york at the bowery house. two girls who worked there instantly friended me. they kind of wouldn’t leave. i was happy to have friends but knew they might be friendly only because they worked there. i upgraded my room to a double. drove to a place called “the last place on earth,” an asian restaurant at the edge of the city, after walking along to get a salad from whole foods. the city seemed empty. i felt alone and powerful and stable and happy throughout this part of the dream.

antarctica: i went there with cara. her dad wanted to take me there, romantically. she used a red marker to tattoo the hebrew alphabet on my left ankle and left wrist and the american alphabet o’ my right wrist. people at the bowery house were complimenting it. i knew it would wash off when we got to antarctica and i didn’t want it to, but i also didn’t want to be tattooed. i thought it was a mistake that she was just using sharpie marker, that she had the serious intent of tattooing me for real. her dad was an antarcticologist. he was an older jewish man.i don’t know who he is in real life, she is asian and adopted by white family in real life. 

he said the atmosphere in antarctica was mostly antimony, which was also filled with helium in hot air balloons in the first antatctica explorations. ‘potash and antimony.’ the antimony was crucial, was the fuel or something of the balloons. i interrupted him to say ‘this topic interests me very much’ but didn’t want to explain the topic was alchemy, because i’d promised myself not to. he was intrigued by me. i knew he was the old king. he left in the morning.

we had gotten into a part of south america by driving through a complicated intersection in ny. it was like a secret passage in ‘clue.’ there was similar complicated intersection where we came out the other end in south america, on the border of argentina and chile. we were to get out of our cars and follow a path to the end of SA on foot. the first place we’d arrive was an igloo-type station. ‘we’ were me and ~6 people. cars were coming at us and a light seemed broken. the lighting was gray and felt again like the end of the earth/last place on earth. when we got to the igloo we had to guess the wifi password. the password was FairyTale12. i was walking in a line with 6 people. an androgynous guard was behind me. i thought i was the only one who could see him—was more of a him than a her. he bogarted guessing the passwords and finally guessed it correctly. i wanted to guess passwords too and felt left out. then i was happy just that it worked.

June 19, 2016 11:19am

I woke in a car that’d been parked on the sidewalk of a city like New York and Philadelphia. I had parked it there for “safe keeping,” I remembered slowly, from drunk driving I would’ve done that night. I knew something wasn’t real or something was different, like I was in a dream, maybe. People weren’t reacting to what I’d done in a way that made sense to me. They didn’t notice, mostly. The car kind of disappeared and the scene changed to a cross between 419 Oklahoma Rd and 7001 Brentwood Dr (houses I lived in as a child). Scary-looking men with big sunken eyes and camping gear were walking around the woods in my backyard. They all looked really distinct, like people I’ve never seen. It was dark and raining and early in the morning. Mom was getting ready for an airplane trip to Hungary. She’d talked about it the week before, but in a way that was hard to get details out of her. She wanted to keep this trip a secret. The men were walking in and out of the house, sometimes carrying stuff in and sometimes carrying stuff out and back to the woods, like this was their job. Mom looked sometimes like herself but more often like Sheila (current neighbor) or grandma—slender with short gray hair. She seemed more preoccupied with her appearance than normal. Neither she nor dad were making any sense to me. Mom kept responding with weird unrelated aggression—I called her out on making nonsequiturs twice. I just wanted to know where she was going. I felt like she was going to either die on the way there or she was building a secret life there, that she would soon assume permanently. I think I tried to tell her those things and she’d yell a nonsequitur-type comment, but it wouldn’t really upset her at the same time. Dad just seemed to be treading water around her, looking for bags to carry to the car, not really knowing how to act, but clearly wanting to respond/understand more than he was. There was a bag of 15-20 donuts of different sizes, all cut in half, in a small wax paper baggie in the refrigerator. I began eating them, knowing Dad had bought them for Mom, I think trying to get their attention by doing this.

I kept going out to the porch to think about what was going on and try to make sense of it. I didn’t understand how my car had gotten there from the city, or why I’d parked it in the city, but these things seemed banal and annoying to my parents. It was dark and foggy/misty. The men in the woods all seemed like they were homeless but by choice, or something, like they were spirits of the woods. One of them stood on the porch by the porch swing, holding what I thought were “trophies” and may have been toys. He started saying something to me about henna ink/henna tattoos, which, like everything else, I was having a hard time understanding the significance/appropriateness of. Mom seemed to understand him when she came out and saw us and I think then tried to get me interested in dating him.

The whole time I felt plagued by a feeling of wanting to stop Mom from leaving, or push past her nonsequiturs, to understand why she was leaving. She alluded vaguely to it being for a doctor’s appointment, and that she was going to spend a few days in another country after that, to “kensora” (a word that meant “shopping,” that my ignorance of seemed to inconvenience her). She kept referring to ways that I annoyed her, from maybe old fights I don’t remember, like “Megan’s [tendency to think of things as ‘wood’ not ‘wooden’],” which would then stop our conversation.

Mom called me from the train to New York, and suddenly it made sense to me that she was not going to Hungary, but New York, to have some procedure done, maybe, but had wanted it to seem more glamorous/dramatic. I watched her train derail from the perspective of flying over it. I thought if I could hold onto just a little bit of it that would be enough to slow the train, or keep it from falling down the cliff. I looked in the window of the train car I was holding onto and there were no passengers. 

today i went outside, to where it was outdoors

the first thing i saw was a friend i sort of know

the friend seemed very drunk. the last time i saw him we had sex in my apartment during an orgy and the light looked pretty. our relationship is lacking, in some ways

i said ‘is this…baltimore?’

a ponytailed man i’ve never seen approached and stood by me for the first time

the drunk friend looked at the man, then me

i felt bad

wonder what my head is, technically. it feels grape-y and frozen, like the grapes i found in my freezer

when i was little i was afraid volcanoes would erupt from my couch

now i freeze grapes

i feel worried

at subway ’saturday in the park’ by chicago was playing on the radio

the guy behind the counter asked what kind of cheese i wanted

i thought about saying ‘a man selling ice cream’ and kind of laughed silently, to myself, aware of my nose’s position on my face and an urge to decide a cheese

i said ‘provolone…’

my life contains cheese

things about living long-term are confusing, to me. the things are similar or related to things in books i read, by authors

life, long-term

lydia davis eats saltine crackers in ‘the end of the story’

will i ever eat one?

what makes a cracker ‘saltine,’ exactly? seems related to a ratio i can almost graph

around 8:12PM i walked back inside my apartment, experiencing vague anxiety about how the internet and my cats perceive me. both cats are indoor cats, so they just stay indoors when i go outdoors. i laid on my bed. for some reason i wanted a friend i sometimes have casual sex with to feed me precise shapes of salt, removed from the crackers. i knew that would never happen

i think i have a cracker problem

do bugs feel pain when they die?

feels like a volcano is erupting from my head

the earth was formed partially by volcanoes

that was a long time ago

now i’m 33.3333% sure my co-workers interact with me at bars 

it’s nice when i say things they seem to like at this one bar, where packets of saltine crackers are always in this bowl i like to dunk my head into before we leave. it feels cool, to me, to do that. usually at around 1AM i stop feeling aware of my cracker problem and eat the crackers anyway. 89% of the time i vomit 4-5 shots. it’s really good. the bar almost always plays pop music from the 90’s

it’s 98 degrees outside

98 degrees, the band

lately i've been hosting orgies at my apartment

the orgies are not 'good' or 'bad,' they are just a thing that happens sometimes

my text message activity can almost be graphed

earlier i sat in philosophy class, being smart and unusual

the professor asked if we ever do nice things for people because they ask us to and not because we really want to

i said ‘i do that’

a light-skinned black guy to my left slowly moved his head, sort of like he was nodding, almost

he said ‘you don’t wanna do that’

his water bottle was glistening like a pokemon i’ve realistically imagined

i thought ‘provolone…’

my mouth was grinning uncontrollably insanely

i felt pressured but unable to stop lying

it seemed like this one way my family acts

i want to genuinely taste flavored foods

i want everyone in the world to pamper me until i die of being too special

i want it to feel like a party

i forgot my cats can die from xanax. i feel okay with that

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mcj0wrLBDoE)

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