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it’s such a raw and important experience to find something that matters to you, to find something that you feel truly belongs to you. For neil that was acting, a moment that he was not really a teenage boy but fully himself, completely Neil. There is such an interesting disconnect between this moment in his life (growing up, becoming himself, understanding that he’s letting go of childhood and is growing as a person) and his need to feel validated by his father (something that he has craved his whole childhood and is still unable to let go of, even as he is on the road to adulthood, to becoming a father himself). I think he’s at war with himself, fighting against the need to become himself (acting as a symbol of growing up) and the need for his fathers approval (a crushing reminder that he will always be a child, always searching for approval that he will never get). Crazy way to experience growing up, and growing away from your parents. I hope this made sense !

Neil and Todd have such a delicate and important relationship. The you go, I go kind. It is so rare to find someone who understands you, or more importantly, makes an effort to try. (different tangent, do not ask me about this, I could literally go on forever and ever) Especially as a teenager, finding friends who will be there for you, really be there, is absolutely an experience that shapes who you become. Neil and Todd were both at a such a crucial point, the thin ice between childhood and adulthood, and they were looking for someone, something that they could hold onto. Lifeline feels dramatic, but being a teenager is dramatic. Growing up is arguably the most dramatic thing about being alive, and so many people are willing to brush it off. (also a tangent I cannot discuss, I will never shut the fuck up, like actually) Neil and Todd were looking for a reason not to brush it off, an excuse not to move on but to feel every feeling, every moment, poetic and stupid and sad. It’s so interesting to analyze, because so much of their relationship was never actually expressed, because it feels so stupid and embarrassing to try to express how much someone means when to you when you are seventeen. (I am overflowing with words I do not have -Adam Faulkner) (In addition to the fact that the environment they were in was aimed at raising “strong men,” who ignored their feelings and became emotionally unavailable adults, which is another point entirely) It feels like you shouldn’t even try, because you’re seventeen and you will have all the time in the world. Right? Which is why Neil’s death hit so hard. Together Neil and Todd fell victim to the illusion of invincibility, temporarily blind to everyone and everything else. Although they weren’t children together, they became people together. Isn’t that just as valuable anyways? It’s such an incredible loss to lose someone who made you who you are, which is why Todd was so affected Neil’s death. Now he shoulders the burden that he will not only have to grow up alone, but he will have to grow up for the both of them.

He was there for each turn of the knife, every revolution or strike. He was there, everywhere, because that's where Neil would be.