Write-Smile-Dream

I haven’t checked on here in geninely half a year or so, but randomly did so and felt compellled to answer! I am doing physically and mentally better than I have in many years and, touchwood, finally feel I am walking the walk with regards to recovery. A lot of that is to do with my Etsy store, and the magical community I’ve found through this. I also work part time as a Ta and plan to start full teacher training next year - I simply knew I had to be in a physically strong enough place to do this.

If you are interested in “hearing” more from me, you can find me at bumble_and_be on IG! I do daily posts there and - hand on heart - leaving the “recovery” community and finding this new one has been the BEST thing for my recovery. In short, it is only through BEEING SOPHIE that I can ever hope to fly free 💛

Welcome home ❤️ Moving forward is scary, change is scary, but the fact I’ve even done this and managed the whole moving process is a sign I have progressed. I have made steps. Each night at dinner I consciously make choices to Allow myself to grow. Each night I prep my lunch, I try with all my might to stop being that broken record.

I don’t want to go. There, I said it. I don’t want to go back to Exeter and put on the gown and the smile for a photo and stage walk. I want to move on. This week, I received my offer (PLACE) at Bath Spa for a PGCE and I want to go forward with that in mind. I will graduate from my PGCE and I want to make that my “gown and smile” moment.

I have so many regrets about Exeter, how anorexia dominated and where I found myself, but I can’t change that. There were silver linings too and o am managing to hold onto them. @between-the-silent-pages is a huge one, and the newspaper and getting to write about a Roald Dahl for my dissertation! But I feel going back will conjur more bad memories than good.

The hold back? My family. When I confided to mum, she was devastated to think I might only be doing it for them; in the same conversation, however, she brings up how it’s a family day and reminds me how they supported me through the decree. In other words, I owe it to them. I’m so conflicted. She says I need to stop dithering and make a decision, yet that’s very hard when I know she s obviously disagrees with the choice I want to make. She says I’ll regret it; what about when my kids ask me about graduation and I don’t have the photo?

But that’s all it is. A photo. I will STILL graduate, that’s a fact. And if I’ve learnt one thing from the last few years, it’s that appearances and reality are VERY different. Putting on a smile isn’t happiness, just as taking a photo doesn’t make something real. You have to live it.

Here is the other crux: medication. I’m currently on the tapering over stage with venlafaxine-fluoxetine and I’ve extended the final stage of venlafaxine for 2 weeks. I couldn’t do it. The withdrawal was so bad I felt my head was exploding. My anxiety is at a point where I find my heart racing from the slightest thing, panic about the littlest changes and the prospect of graduating in this state, mentally handling being back in Exeter... I can’t do it. I can’t.

I had a few messages asking if I could share some of my recent makes, so I am socking it to self-doubt and posting 💙 I am currently switching over my meds and safe to say it’s not fun. I wish my GP had been more transparent about how difficult the current ones are to come off, before I went on them to start with, as given they lost efficaicy last year i didn’t really have much choice. I’m currently at the sticky point where I’m on a very low dose of this one, but not yet able to start the new one.

Oh gosh, where to begin? I think the main thing to explore is psychological support in paediatric care. Ask straight up if this is something his team can offer, as I think just talking it through is the best thing. On that note, make the most of any peer-support groups, as this is something I wish I’d done and am actually looking into currently, although there is far less available where I am for adults.

From what I know (and what my team tell me), I was in a minority in terms of going down the obsessive route, most go the other way like it seems your dad has, which is denial and consequently avoidance. The best way to achieve balance I think is to just be open. By talking, you get all the emotions out, any frustrations or anger because they will inevitably be there - and that’s okay. It’s completely natural. It’s almost like a grieving process, but without it you can’t move on. I learnt this at the age of 14, the point where I had lived half my life with diabetes). I think it finally caught up and I fell into depression (the real start of my mental health struggles, though not diagnosed until years later).

As a sibling, the best advice I can give is empathy. Simply testing your own blood sugar, or helping him work out his insulin, helping him see that see food isn’t “good or bad. It’s there to be counted, but it doesn’t need to count for anything.

Firstly, thank you. This honestly made me so grateful to read, as I love the idea of inspiration being honesty, not perfection! I always try to just be ME, whether it is good or bad, although I hope there was some good in there too.

In the past couple of years I’ve done a conscious move away from ED/recovery communities (here, but mainly IG which was in hindsight very toxic) and I think it’s been the best thing for my mental health. I still do talk about my mental health, but do so in other contexts. My blog is the main place, but also my Instagram (beeing_sophie) where I talk about health and wellbeing alongside photos of the things that make me smile - crochet, Harry potter and nature! It’s about focusing on the positives and letting myself be SOPHIE, not the illness, and i cannot say how much it helps 💙

I was discharged nearly two months ago, after being with services for nearly 4 years. 3 admission, CBT, I’ve been given so much support and I feel ashamed to say I’m not “recovered” yet. My head says ‘I should be recovered’. My head says I ‘should be’ living.

In some ways, I am so far from where I was. I have a part time reading assistant job - one day a week. I volunteer at a school another day and do tutoring too, which judging by the latest mock seems to be going well! That was such a confidence boost. The other days I work on my Etsy small business and that’s also going well - better than I ever imagined.

I’ve also found a POSITIVE community through Instagram (not Ed’s/recovery but makers and fellow potterheads!) it’s the power of social media for good and it’s helped my mental health like no other. I recently took part in “March meet the maker” too, which was amazing for my mental health/sense of self-worth. People engaged, people supported, people “got me.” That’s what I needed all through uni and rarely found. People who “got me” and I see how that impacted me.

So yes, those positives. But in other moments (trigger warning - not that anyone listens.)

I just continually retrench to old habits with eating. I fall into the “comfort blanket” of blood sugar predictability when I cut things out, get so repetitive with what I eat and times. Delay things until later in the day because I get into the trap of numbness - not feeling, because feeling means coping and I can’t cope on my own. There, o said it, I can’t cope. I think It was too soon to discharge - it was suggested by my CPN, not me and I’m not sure my diabetes team will be too happy when they find out (next week at my appointment). I have up to 6 months quick reaccess and I don’t know if they expect me to use it? Almost as “part of” treatment, having that break to reconsider my motivations/goals.

If that’s the case, it’s definitely reaffirmed what I DO believe will help. What I want to really fight for this time, as I’ve asked for it before and it always falls through. PRACTICAL support. Working with an OT, going out for food, buying a meal deal, planning for a working life/uni (I am determined to start my PGCE in September, likely Bath Spa).