Bee

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Of course I still love my man Mr. Strong and his work but idk you guys I think I have to honestly say I have grown out of my fan girl life stage. It’s sad when things come to an end but think of it as an ending means a new beginning.

I think I fell in love with the friend. And when I was in a depressive episode, I had not only removed the toxic one, but also the other one. He was romantic with me, seemed so interested but then got with another girl. But he apologized, explained himself. But of course it still hurt. But he cared. A little bit of me though thinks I was just pussy to him. But compared to the toxic guy, I feel he genuinely cared for me and it wasn’t all a lie.

I have been so depressed I had to call into work and was in bed for two days straight. I only ever got up to pee, not even eat. It was very dark. I feel good now but as I was wanting to apologize to him, I walked past him (as we live in the same neighborhood) he looked at me then turned and closed the door behind him. It hurt me not because I felt betrayed, but because I hurt him by being so overly emotional to him and remove him from my Snapchat. He hurt me, but apologized. He is so sweet. I fell in love with him. I know that because I’ve never felt the way I do or did.

I have written him a letter. Not asking him to come back to me, but just so I can apologize. If I want him to be happy, I have to give him his space. He will add me back if he wants to. I can’t force it. I haven’t been able to sleep knowing that I hurt him. Am I too forgiving? Too sweet? I don’t know.

I even apologized to the toxic one and he never apologized to me, just wished me luck and wanted me to promise to take care of myself. He never cared about me, that’s why he was able to leave me so easily. I was just pussy to him. And to me he was so special. I gave him gifts and compliments, gave him dirty things even though at times they made me feel nervous. He made me believe he cared about me, that’s why it hurts so much.

I never knew how much love could hurt. I thought all the songs and movies about it were all just cheesy. But oh my god it hurts so much.

But this guy is so insane and toxic I cannot escape him. Okay, he does not abuse me physically or anything crazy like that. But emotionally and mentally I have never been this drained my entire life. Even when I was with toxic friends back in high school.

Why can’t I let myself free. I could ruin his life easily if I wanted to, but I can’t bring myself to do it because I still cannot bring myself to ever want to hurt him. Never could I hurt him. He’s hurt me but I can’t do the same. I am not one to hurt others. But that’s not always a good thing. I am too sweet, I let people in too easily and let them take hold of me.

I fell in love with two men and both of them have torn my life apart. Neither chose me to be the girl after being so close and sweet to me. They used me as a slut and I let them because my past traumas cannot make their manipulation noticeable. They give me pain and never cared for me, only for the body under my clothes. But that little care, the smallest care, was the biggest care and acceptance I have ever felt. I ignored every red flag, ignored what advice I’d receive from others. The advice to run and save myself.

I had cried to one all the time, thinking he cared for my tears. He’d wipe them away, his erection grew. He took me to the bed and I’d let him because I told myself “this man is making love to me.” He was taking my innocence and my light.

I had been clean of self harming for 3 years. What they have made me felt has broken that chain. I have thought so many terrible things, planned so many things, always out of something they did to make me feel so worthless and unloved.

But I clinged to them. Even in moments when I knew I had to let them go because they were making me feel the way I do, but they’d apologize or come over and fuck me, and I’d tell myself that I am cared for.

The things they’d tell me, well, the things the one would tell me. And the things the other one wouldn’t tell me. He won’t look at me or even say a hello sometimes, the other would say things to me that made me feel so upset with myself.

They were so special to me, such good friends. I’d think of them every day, give them gifts, tell them complements, and give them what they wanted. And all along never did they care about me. Or if they ever did they have crushed it like paper and tossed it to some place they don’t remember.

Now so many other kind, beautiful men are so sweet to me, ask me out on dates, and I had declined all of them. Because I thought at least one of the two cared and loved me or would eventually, or I’d decline because I felt so ashamed of myself, so depressed.

It is my birthday tomorrow, I turn 21. I was so excited for my birthday. But it has been the worst weekend of my life. My family came to celebrate me and I hid in my room until I got asked to come out, cried on the bathroom floor until I got found. Never did I get caught crying. “My stomach hurts” is what I’d say.

I am grateful and love my family, but sometimes I don’t feel as appreciated as other family members. I know I am loved, but am I appreciated. To men I am “so good” to them but then judged for being so slutty. I was just feeling confident with how I looked, and giving them the dirty things we both wanted. To my family, I am the girl with no big goals, all because my goals are kept secret because I fear they will be unrealistic to them or will not make them proud.

Truly, I am terrified. 21 years old tomorrow, I fear once I blow out the candle on my cake, it will be the last one I ever blow out.

No seriously idc idcccc. My whole anxious sad pathetic high school years I wanted to go out and look sexy so bad like dressing up is my favourite thing to do so now that I’m finally moved out and have a job, you know I am going to the bars looking cunttttttt this Halloween.

Then to the one guy who played me, this morning I texted him “hey I’m really embarrassed of how pathetic I’ve been acting and living. So sorry for that.” Lollll

Yeah the one played me😭 And yet I still talk to him and say “I can’t be mad at you.”🤦🏻‍♀️ Like girllll… get it together here. You can remove him and be mad but no I choose to still be kind to him and say that it’s okay. But how awkward would it be for me to remove him when he’s literally living with hottie n.2?

Yeah the second guy is the one I have feelings for so strongly. He is so sexy omg. Last time I was over at his place, the one who played me was in the living room and I was helping him with something having a sweet little moment with him then the sexy one calls me to his room to show me his new desk he installed. Men who work with their hands are so hot idk. I’m into blue collar men which is unfortunate because half of them are so toxic.

Anyways so I’m in his room and I sit on the corner of his bed and you guys… when I tell you the eyes speak for themselves… we wanted to fuck. Like that moment I looked up at him.. dude looked away after about three seconds cause I swear we wanted to rip the clothes off lmao. But the other guy was just in the other room so we couldn’t do anything. Kind of hot if you ask me🤷‍♀️

Another time the player guy was in his room changing and as soon as me and the hottie were alone he dragged his hands slowly along my body I like… it’s so crazy like wtf am I in? An ao3 wattpad book here?!

I called the one after being played and while I was crying and the phone call made me feel so much better even though it was only about a minute long. That says something idk idk. But the relationship we have going is so messy and special at the same time ahhh😭😭😭

I got played…

But I’m telling you.. he was wearing that forest green color, had the bushy grey beard, and wore one of those silly fedora hats. And I’m not even kidding you the wife dead ass looked like Emma.

The way people were laughing about him in the reunion saying oh he’s so relatable for zoning out or like haha he’s definitely high. No idc nothing about him was funny. He is an awful and disgusting person. Being high doesn’t make you act like the biggest idiot loser in the room. He wasn’t even high he’s genuinely just that fucking stupid and delusionally narcissistic.

His insane body count was brought up and thats a crazy enough topic but he makes it worse by saying “it’s been subtracting actually” thinking he’s so fucking funny. Then asked “how can your body count subtract?” And the motherfucker replies “I just forget about them.”

Fucking hell. How deeply do you have to have your head shoved so far up your ass to act like that? It’s not even a funny joke because you know he’s serious about it. “Oh yeah I just forget about all the girls I’m with cause they are just toys to me and I’m a dumbass” “Oh I’m a pool boy cause I’m too dumb for any other job and I like watching girls in bikinis all day because that’s all I’m good at.”

I have never felt such a way for someone. So grateful for someone so beautiful to have such a friendship with me, but also just so constantly confused and terrified.

Sometimes the things he has brought to me, put me through, makes me hate myself. But yet he is there to comfort me when I need, truthfully apologetic when he has done something wrong.

I’ve been doing good! One depressive episode I had which is really scary but I’m still in the love triangle with two hotties lmao. The one came over to make sure I was okay. Oh and he gave me a joint which I had to hide from my mom when she came over lol. I bedazzled my lighter too.

They are both super sexy omg. I also may just be a kinky freak😭 I seriously have tried so much it’s kinda… let’s just say I bend over backwards for that d. Or should I say both d’s lmaoo. That sounds really bad.

Picnic man, who I spoke about before, has moved back to where he’s originally from which is a long ways away but we still talk. He told me he might even come back soon.

But anyway hottie 1 and hottie 2 tell each other everythinggg. Kinda sexy. Like hottie 1 was eating at my house with me at my kitchen table and I apologized that my table was wobbly. And he replied with “yeah, I heard about that.” Meaning hottie 2 told him about when he fucked me on the table… yeah that’s why it’s now wobbly💀😭

Omg hiii! I hardly ever use this app anymore😭😭

It’s been so soo crazy for me. I am currently in a crazy love triangle at the moment with two hot dudes (finally guys my age but also guys my parents would absolutely hate lmao)

I smoked weed for the first time too. My experience: I slumped on the grass Kendall Roy style scared and worried I’d throw up then got carried to the couch and then a bed cause I could not open my eyes I was so high. Nobody told me one inhale would make you that high lmao.

Yeah the love triangle is actually insane but I kind of love it and that’s probably a bad thing.

I absolutely hate my job💕✨ my hours are so shit and they won’t give me anymore so I need to get a new one asappp.

First off.. Ace pisses me off more with each episode. Dude licks and bites his bottom lip every fucking two minutes when he’s with a girl. Dude gives everyone relationship advice which is.. lmfao. The whole thing with Amaya, yeah at first I didn’t like how fired up she got about it but I realize why she was so upset. Like the guy said he’s a very romantic person but doesn’t want to use pet names, cuddle, or whatever at the beginning which can be understandable, but then he goes off hugging and flirting with Chelley, making her breakfast and doing yoga dates with her, licks whip cream off her tits after the challenge. Like okay bro… Oh my god. And then him cheering and shit when Amaya was getting kissed by the male bombshells like how old are you?

Second I need to talk about Huda. Don’t hate me for saying this I don’t mean it in a bad way or to be a bitch but she is really insecure I’m sorry. Another girl talks to him or kissed him for the challenge and she breaks down or tells them to back off, never letting them finish their chat or whatever. She speaks for him (“yeah I only want Jeremiah and Jeremiah only wants me.”) Within the five days.. five fucking days, she’s already treating Jeremiah like a boyfriend (like a child). The little comments she makes towards him piss me off. I didn’t like Jeremiah either but I’m definitely on his side of things. This new episode, episode nine.. holy shit. The pancake situation was absolutely crazy. Does she expect the man to bring her a plate with everything on it, a nice big smoothie, call her princess, kiss her and be by her 24/7 while he has to share that small kitchen with all the other dudes and when it’s only been a little over a week? Also sorry but when was the last time she did something cutesy for him? I get it, she wants what she wants and I don’t judge that, but girl, you’re on the reality show Love Island and it’s also only been a week. Idk man she’s really just getting to me. Like she wants him to crawl on his knees for her.

Austin is annoying and looks like a Veggie Tale carrot and I don’t think I need to explain myself there.

I told him about my likings for picnics and he just told me to let him know when I’m free and to tell him what my fav snacks and drinks are so he can make a basket up for us. And the convo was longer so I know he means it and isn’t just saying that to get me sucked into something and trap me there like some guys did.