Becky's Picks

When someone we love dies it feels like the world should stop, since for a moment ours did. Yet while the world did stop for the one we loved, without us even realizing, it continues for the ones who got left behind. We still eat when we are hungry, sleep when we are tired. The sun still rises in the East and sets in the West. We all continue on with our lives as best we can knowing that the hole we all share in our hearts shall never truly disappear.

Anyone who is currently single would probably agree with me that dating can suck. It is extremely difficult to find someone that you are attracted to who is also attracted to you. It is even harder if you are like me and likes her solitude plus find being around people incredibly draining. Why is it I work retail again? Now that that side note is over with back on track. There is always online dating which brings up a whole new set of difficulties. It is what I currently use and while I do enjoy the fact that it allows me to meet and talk to people from the comfort of my couch but that does not stop the awkwardness of getting up the nerve to meet them in person. Even when I do get up the nerve, which admittedly is a very big step for me, they all seem to want to skip over the friendship part of a relationship and skip straight to the getting me in bed part.

Now if only there could be some sort of magic button that would allow you to skip over everyone and land you in front of the perfect person. Now let me clarify here since I know that no one is perfect. We all have baggage to carry and skeletons in our closets. What I mean by saying that is someone who willing to help carry our baggage and are willing to stick around despite our flaws. Someone who is willing to be a true partner. Where you help each other to be the best person that the both of you can be.

He is playing you, we can all see it and so can you. Yet you continue on with his game. Then again you have your own game going on do you not. The “he can change,” game. Yeah, how is that one working out for you. He has pushed you onto multiple couches and you have even admitted to being afraid of him. Then he does something sweet, or thoughtful and you go right back to him with the excuse that you love him.

Then he pushes you too far, once again, so you make the decision to move out, take a break from him and find out who you are since somewhere along the way you lost sight of the girl you once were. It is good for a few weeks and I begin to think that maybe you are ready to close the door on that chapter of your life and start a new one. You say that you want some time to be single, so you do. You meet a few people, go out and have fun. But once again you go back with him with the excuse that it is the holidays and you cannot take a break during the holidays. It is a good excuse so you tell yourself you will start your break from him after the holidays are over.

But look at that, the holidays are over and another excuse pops up. This one has to deal with family troubles. How can you leave him now when it is his time of need? So you stay with him just until this issue is resolved. Should not be all that long, maybe a few weeks at most. But those weeks have come and gone and now I do not even know what the excuse is anymore.

All this time you are quick to make excuses for him because you love him and he has you believing that you need him and he needs you. He is right in that, he does need you. However, you do not need him. I do not doubt your feelings for him but sometimes what we love is not what is best for us. Unfortunately, those are the hardest ones to push away. It is more convenient and much easier to stay so you do.

Oh you will run when things start getting difficult again. You always do but we all know that you always come back. You stay with him because you are in love, while simultaneously you push away all the people who have tried to help you. Your friend who was the first one to allow you on her couch. That one even I will admit was a good choice for you. It proved that it is not impossible for you to get rid of some of the toxic people in your life. Then there was the boy who started developing real feelings for you. You told him time and time again not to, that you would not be able to reciprocate them, but your words and actions said two different things. We both knew he was falling hard for you even before he did and yet you still allowed him over and slept with him. Hell, there was a short time that you even had me confused what your true feelings were it is no shock that he thought he may have a chance.

Then there is me. I cannot help but wonder when you will push me away like you have all the others. Have you started to without even knowing it? When it comes I know it will hurt since I see you and will always see you as probably my closest friend but I will not be surprised. For him you will do anything and push everyone away until there is no one left but him.

We all know the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never heart me.” It is the one things the adults in our lives would tell us when we were kids when Susie or Johnny would tease us on the playground. That is all fine and dandy when we are kids and the adults is passing off what we say as childish nonsense, though  even I will admit that a lot of what kids say is just that. The problem is that is all one big fat lie. As I have found out the hard way, words can hurt a whole lot more than any physical wound.  

A physical wound, be it a broken bone, a cut or scrape, hurt in the moment. They may even hurt days, months and in some cases years afterwards but eventually they will heal. I bet that you have a few scares that you do not even remember how you got it in the first place. I know I do.  Words, however, have a way of sticking around with you both good and bad and showing up again when we least expect it. They can be used to build people up, give them confidence they need in order to push them down their path. It can also be used to break them down and make them lose all confidence they may have had. I was recently in a situation where I made a comment in passing to a coworker which was apparently all she needed to push her to go out for a promotion and actually achieve it. Would she have applied for the position if I had not said anything, maybe but then again maybe not. While this may have been a positive moment if I had said something along the lines of “You don’t deserve it,” or had berated her would she had gone for it, probably not.

Then again sometimes words can hurt others by accident. Maybe, like I have done in the past, you made a joke that someone took personally or it brought up an old wound that was hidden for them. Did you mean to hurt them? Hopefully not. I know I did not, I only made a bad joke that backfired on me. While it was unintentional on my end it does not negate the fact that someone else got hurt from what I said.  

It is the negativity that sticks with us. It is when words are used to hurt that you do not forget. Those are the words that no matter how much we try they remain a scare on our hearts and those do not heal. Sometimes it even gets to the point where all we hear is the negative and it is at this point where words become dangerous.  If you happen to be one of those out there who only hear the negative know that you are not alone and the haters do not define you. Please, you know who you are, go talk to someone you trust be it a counselor, a relative or a friend to get the help you deserve.

So as I am writing this, it is the last day of 2017. This year has been interesting at the very least. If you told me at the beginning of the year that I would be sitting here, in my own apartment, writing this blog post I do not think I would believe you. Yet here I am having survived the hectic year that was 2017.

I started the year still in my childhood bedroom at my parent’s house and made the decision to make the big step into adulthood and move out on my own. Yeah, that was a scary one since I am not all that good with change but I did it. I moved this year not once but twice. Though I did things a little backwards first living on my own and then moving in with a roommate. Oh well it would not be me if I did things the normal way. My roommate is awesome and I can honestly call her my best friend.

Speaking of doing things differently I left the country by myself this year taking a cruise to Bermuda. That was an adventure and a lot of people thought I was absolutely crazy for doing it but honestly it was one of the best decisions that I made. There is a sense of freedom going on vacation by yourself. You can do what you want when you want and if you want to spend the day sleeping in your room no one is around to judge you. I did not actually do that. I spent very little time in my room when I was not sleeping. Going to Bermuda was a lot of fun and was the third time I had been outside the United States or its territories and only my second time on a cruise.

One of the things that I am most proud of is finishing the first book in a series that I am writing called Journey to the One. The story is my take on a guardian angel. It follows the life if a Guardian named Samantha Lucas showing how she became a Guardian Angel and her life taking care of those who need her protection. If that is something you would be interested in reading let me know and I can post a few excerpts onto my blog.

 As good as 2017 had been it was not all sunshine and roses. I had my share of difficult times as well. This year was a year filled with bullies in the form of bosses and heartache. I found out that my grandfather got diagnosed with cancer and while he is doing much better it was touch and go for a while there and he is not completely out the woods yet. Though it is true what they say “What does not kill you, makes your stronger.” After the year I had, I am much stronger then I was at the beginning of the year.

Going on a cruise to Bermuda was definitely a spur of the moment decision. One day I saw an ad on Facebook and just thought why not, I have been saving money for something like this for a while anyway. Deciding to go by myself was less of a choice and more of a not knowing anyone who had that kind of money or flexibility in order to do something this big. While it did cost a pretty penny, or two, I would say it was well worth it.

Now when people found out I was going by myself I had gotten a mixture of reactions. There were some who thought I had gone completely insane and others who called me brave. Even on the ship there was almost a level of respect when they found out that I was by myself. It was a liberating experience being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted and not having to check in with anyone. If I got bored being by myself there was a ship full of people I could go talk to and that way managed to meet a lot of interesting people.

There was also so many things to do on the ship that I was never bored. Everything from trivia, which I quickly found out that I am extremely bad at, to learning to salsa dance. Not to mention getting into some pretty heated bean bag tournaments.

Bermuda itself was absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately, due to weather canceling some plans, I was not able to see as much of the island as I wanted to but there is always my next visit. I did get the chance to go snorkeling along the coral reef. The water was so clear that the coral and fish were clear as day that is when my mask was not fogging up. The sail over to the snorkeling site on a catamaran was a treat in itself. On board I got to try a Rum Swizzle, “Bermuda’s national drink.” While I still don’t know what is in it, besides rum of course, it was good. If I ever had the chance to have one again I would not turn it down. Although I doubt it would taste the same here in the states.  

 Hey guys, I know it has been a while. Things have been crazy for me lately. For anyone who is interested here is the next part of my story.

“Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do.” Ellie stated staring at the dirt underneath her shoes.

  Aaron thought for a moment, there had to be something that he could do for her but what.

“Hey Ellie, how long is he usually gone?” he asked forming a plan in his head. Ellie had never had a normal child hood and although he did not have much money on him he was determined to give it to her even if it was only for a few hours.

Ellie looked up surprised at the question. She watched him trying to figure out what he could be thinking. “I don’t know for sure, it varies all the time.  He’s probably gone until at least tonight. Why?”

  Aaron smiled as he stood up stretching out his hand to her, “Well in that case if he gets to go out and have fun it’s only fair that you should have the chance too. What do you say? I’ll get you back before he shows up here.”

Aaron watches as she stared at his hand too shocked to say anything. This was a long shot and he knew it but it was the only thing he could think of to do for her. He watched growing nervous as her eyes continued to go back and forth between his hand and the door leading into the kitchen.

“I can’t” She said “He’ll find out.”

“He’ll never know.” Aaron promised as he looked into her eyes hoping that she could see that he was not about to give up that easily. With only last look at the kitchen door Ellie took his hand as he pulled her up off the step. “So where to?” He asked with a smile leading her back to his car.

“I haven’t the clue. Those walls are the only thing I know. That and the route I use to walk to and from school but even that is through the woods. I’ve never really seen this town and I’ve lived here my whole life.”

“Well in that case,” Aaron stated as he opened the passenger door for her checking his watch, “It’s noon on a Saturday. Why don’t we check out downtown while we grab some lunch.”

“I don’t have any money.” She stated looking down at the floor.

“Good I wouldn’t have let you pay anyways. After all you’ve done it’s about time someone treats you. So today you just have fun. Leave the money to me.” Before Ellie could respond Aaron had already closed her door and was heading over to the driver’s side. “So if you could go anywhere for lunch where would it be?” He asked as he started the car.

Ellie thought for a moment and whispered, “There is one place I’ve always wanted to try, but I’m not sure the name. It the one where they waitress on roller-skates.”

“Sonic it is then.” Aaron said with a smile as he drove down the road. The drive was quiet as Aaron watched Ellie, from the corner of his eye, take in everything as they drove past speeding down the highway. Aaron pulls into the parking lot at Sonic and gets out of car as Ellie watched the waiters skate back and forth delivering food. He smiles as he opened the door for her, “You coming?” he asked.

  Ellie looks around nervously, “I shouldn’t be here. He’ll find me.”

Ellie learned that he was 18 and had just graduated from high school. He was living with his older sister in her apartment that was just a few miles away from the only local college in the area.

The sun had set and the house long quiet by the time the two of them stopped talking.

               “I don’t want to go back inside. I don’t want to have to face reality again,” she said with a sigh.

               “I don’t have to leave; I can at least help you clean up.” Aaron offered as they walked into the house to see the damage. There was trash and empty beer bottles everywhere. Ellie’s father was passed out on the couch snoring loudly.

               “Thanks but if he wakes up and sees your still here and helping me, of all things, it would be worse for me.” Ellie said looking around at the mess. Today had been one of the best days of her life and she did not want it to end but she knew better than to hope.

               “I’ll be back then, sometime when he won’t know,” Aaron whispered in her ear. “You’re no longer alone, remember that.”

                 It had been a few days since Aaron left Ellie’s house. In that time he got more and more worried about her. Even though he barely knew her, Aaron could not seem to get her out of his mind. On more than one occasion, he drove by her house only to see that her father was home so he could not risk stopping in for a visit. I just need to know that she was safe, he thought, if I knew that then it would be ok.

               Aaron sat in the living room of the apartment that he shared with his 25-year-old sister Angela, staring down at his car keys.  He had been debating with himself whether or not he was going to swing past Ellie’s house even though he had been by five times in the past few days already and each time her father’s car was sitting in the drive way.   Aaron sighed as he grabbed his keys off the table and headed out the door.

               “Good Luck” he heard Angela call behind him as he leaves closing the door behind him.

               He turned down her street slowing down as he approached her house. The front yard, looked as if the party had never happened, something that was not the case a few days ago when there were beer bottles and other trash thrown about the yard. Aaron parked a few housed down, noticing that her father’s car was not in the driveway. Slowly he made his way up to the house wondering what the best approach was. As soon as he closes to the house, he heard someone crying in the back yard. As he turned the corner, he saw Ellie sitting on the steps holding an ice pack to her cheek trying to stop the tears that were running down her face.

               “Ellie,” Aaron said not wanting to startle her. She jumped a little as she turned to see who called her. It was there that Aaron could see the full extent of her injuries as blood dripped down her check from a small cut above her eyebrow.

               “A…Aaron. What. What are you doing here?” Ellie asked as she saw him standing beside the house.

               “I told you I’d be back didn’t I?” He said slowly came up and sat on the stairs beside her. “He beat you again didn’t he?” He reached out to her but stopped short when he saw her flinch back.  He dropped his hand placing it instead into his pocket, “Sorry.”

               “It’s ok,” Ellie said shyly looking down at the grass.

               “What happened?” He asked.

               Ellie just shook her head. “Nothing, I just-“

               “That cut doesn’t look like nothing and I doubt you gave it to yourself.” Aaron cut her off, “Where is he?”

               “Business meeting, he left earlier this morning. And this it was my fault anyway.”

               “I highly doubt that one.” Aaron said. “You don’t have to stay here you know. There are people who would help you. I can help you if you want.”

               “I can’t leave,” Ellie said, “This place is all I’ve ever known. Besides you’re the only one who knows, the only one I’ve ever told.”

               “Listen Ellie I know there’s no reason for you to trust me but I want you to know that I am on your side. You’re not alone anymore. I want to help you but I can’t do that unless you let me.”

               “Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do.” Ellie stated staring at the dirt underneath her shoes.

I hope everyone who celebrates had a good Easter. Here is the next part of the story.

Only when she was sure that he was out of the room did she quickly scramble out the back door into her yard.

She sat on the steps picking out the splinters from her shoulder when the sound of the door opening made her stiffen. What does he want now? She thought, not daring to look back. However, the voice that spoke to her was not that of her father, it was younger and much too friendly.

“Are you ok?” the unfamiliar vice asked something that was new to her.

“I’m fine,” she answered, assuming it was just another guest, “you should go back and enjoy the party.”

Instead of going back inside the stranger sat beside her holding out an ice pack. “I hope you don’t mind but I grabbed this from the freezer for you. I couldn’t help but see what he did to you. He’s your father right?”

Ellie looked up, noticing for the first time that the person talking to her was the same boy who she first noticed coming into the house. The one she originally thought was just there for the alcohol, “Thanks,” she said shyly taking the ice pack, “but I’m fine really. It…was my fault anyway.”

The man closed his eyes for a moment, shaking his head. “Someone bumped into you. There was nothing you could have done to prevent that and no one deserves to be beaten like that. No matter what they do.”  

Ellie just shook her head in surprised at how much he saw of the confrontation, “No…it’s really not that bad. He just….you don’t know him…”

“I do though,” he cut her off, “maybe not your father specifically, but I’ve known people like him. I once had a friend who was beaten by her husband for eleven years before she finally was able to get the help and get away. So I have seen it all before and have heard all the excuses as well.”

 Ellie looked away, asking hesitantly, “How did she get away?”

“She…she ended up in the hospital because he had beaten her so badly. The doctors got her to open up about what he had been doing to her.” Ellie remained quiet as she looked down at the grass remembering her own beating. How carful her father always was so that he would not leave a bruise or cut anywhere that would be too visible.

“It’s Elizabeth right?” He asked as she shuttered at the sound of her own name.

“Ellie” she corrected, “He’s the only one who calls me by my full name.”

Sorry for not posting last week. I blame it on it being opening day at Fenway. GO RED SOXS! Anyway now that is out of my system on to my story.

 If she had her way, she would spend the whole day here but she knew better, she had to make her appearance and play her part well if she wanted to avoid a beating that night.

Ellie hid in the kitchen for a couple of hours until her father decided it was time for her to make her appearance. “Elizabeth!” he called. She knew she had only a matter of seconds to get into the other room.

“Ah here she comes,” he said with a fake smile on his face. Once she was besides him, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders whispering only loud enough for her to hear, “Don’t you dare mess this up for me.” She could smell the alcohol on his breath. She knew that the only right answer was to remain quiet so she let her eyes wander around the room to the open door, where she spotted a young man coming in. She watched him curiously since he looked to be only a few years older than she was and usually they did not crash the party until later when all the adults where too drunk to keep track of who was taking alcohol. He was scanning the room when their eyes meet for just a moment before she looked away embarrassed.

“Elizabeth,” her father called, making her jump, “Go get the beers from the fridge, our guests our thirsty.” She nodded, slipping out from under his arm.  For the guests, she thought as she grabbed the pack of beer out of the fridge, yeah right. If anyone else even sees these that will be the day.  As she headed back to her father, Ellie glanced around the room hoping to spot that young man who was entering the party again.  

 She made her way slowly through the crowd of people heading to her father who she could tell was getting impatient. Once there he grabbed the pack from her hands, opening one of the beers as Ellie rolled her eyes. Just then, one of the gusts bumped into her, making her fall into her father knocking the beer out of his hands.

He did not waste a second as he grabbed her by the forearm gripping tightly as he dragged her to the kitchen and away from the prying eyes. “What the HELL do you think you’re doing girl!” he screamed, though the party was too loud for anyone else to hear him.  He slapped her across the face leaving another mark. He pushed her hard, her side slamming into the table behind her. Slowly she backed away trying to make it to the door.

Last week I threw a challenge out there to do something out of your comfort zone, something that scares you. This week, and the next couple, I am going to do my own challenge. I will be posting one of my original works that I wrote while in college. If there is an interest it might even become a new trend on this blog. Feel free to let me know what you think.

Warning: This story mentions alcoholism and child abuse.

Now on to the story.

A loud bang from down stairs woke Ellie up with a start. Sitting up in bed she groggily looked at the broken alarm clock on the nightstand. Like most things in the room, the clock had a crack running down the middle of it from being thrown against the wall but surprisingly, and with some duck tape it still worked which is a good thing since she did not have the money to buy a new one. Before even seeing the clock, she knew that it was too late as the heavy footsteps of her father came banging up the stairs. Quickly she jumped out of bed grabbing the first clothing that her hands could reach. 

She was half-dressed when the door to the room swung open and slammed against the wall making the picture frame fall cracking the glass. “Your still not dressed, you lazy bitch.” She turned around just in time to get the full force of her father’s hand as it slapped her across the face. “Get your clothes on and get down stairs. You know what’s happening today. Do not make me come up here again.”  With that, he turned storming out of the room. Ellie rubbed her jaw looking in the cracked mirror wondering how she was going to explain away the bruise that was sure to come. Unfortunately, explaining away cuts and bruises was something that Ellie was far too familiar with; her entire life was full of terrifying experiences that left her emotionally and physically scarred.     

“How could I possibly forget what today is,” she muttered to herself as she finished dressing and headed downstairs trying to keep out of her father’s way. Every few years her father held a party for his friends at the house that always ends up being an open block party. It was to show everyone that they were a perfectly normal family even if no one knew what that man did behind closed doors. Even though this was her father’s party, Ellie is the one responsible for getting everything ready. At only 16 Ellie had been threw more hell then most people see in a lifetime.

Ellie occupied herself by picking up after her father. It was barley ten in the morning and with how many beer bottles she picked up, she could guess that he was well past the buzzed state. Though how many of the bottles was from the night before she did not know. She sighed with a slight relief knowing that if he was drunk he was much more likely to forget that she was even alive, and this was the way she liked it since it meant that she got away from a beating, at least for a short while.

Soon the guests started to arrive in twos and threes. After the door opened for the fourth time, Ellie moved a chair in front of it to prop it open. She jumped as something fell to the floor besides her. Slowly turning around she let out the breath she had been holding when she saw one of the guests picking up the broken pieces of a plate that was knocked over and her father nowhere near.

“I’ll take care of it,” she said with a forced smile hoping that her father would not look over and notice the broken dish. She grabbed the broom from the closet sweeping up the bits of broken glass.

“I’m so sorry. I can be such a klutz sometimes.”The guest apologized.

“It’s ok really, it happens all the time,” she said trying to get him to stop knowing the bigger deal that was made about it the more likely it was her father would blame her. She looked up to see whom it was she was talking to and recognized the guest as one of her father’s co-workers, the secretary from his Law office.  As bad as he was as a father, Ellie’s father was that good of a lawyer. In the past ten years that he has been at the law firm, he has only lost a handful of cases.   

“Really its fine-” she started.

“You-” her father called as she froze, the dustpan in her hand, “What on earth do you think you’re doing?”

“Someone broke a plate,” she said not daring to look up. With all the witnesses around she knew that her father would not hit her but she was not about to take the chance.

One of the best things about getting Chinese food is the fortune cookie at the end. Granted I am not a huge fan of the cookie itself but finding out what the fortune inside says is always fun. Who hasn’t made fun of the fortune that they got with their friends, or added “in bed” at the end like I did with my friends. While most of the fortunes are supposed to be on the silly side, every once in a while you will get a meaningful one. A fortune that sticks with you long after the cookie has been devoured.

Last time I got Chinese food the fortune inside my cookie actually made me stop and think instead of tossing it out with the wrapper. It said “You’ll seldom experience regret for anything that you’ve done.” Now the key word there is seldom since there are bound to be some things that you regret doing. For me it usually involves food and eating way too much of it.

More often than not, thinking back, the things that I regret the most are the things that I choose to skip out on. Whether that was not going to a party that it seems everyone can’t stop talking about or not going out for a job opportunity. The point is that you can choose to live your life in regret. Live asking yourself “what if…” Though in my humble opinion, that is really not living. You can also choose to live a “go for it” life style where you get out of your comfort zone every once in a while. Yeah, living this way means that sometimes things are not going to go your way. Life has a way of knocking you down a peg or two every now and then. But even in those situations it is a chance for you to learn and grow.

Anybody who has ever worked any type of retail can tell you that it sucks. I see it all the time, the young kid who thinks that they will be able to make some easy cash while going to school. Yeah, those people usually only last a week at most. Working retail is no walk in the park. It is a lot of hard work dealing with cranky customers who think that they are always right, (most of the time they are not) and even crankier management who seems to only be in it for the money.

Now I do have to admit that not all management is like this. In my four years working retail I have had plenty of managers who actually cared about their associates. I know sounds impossible to care about associates while still diving sales, but there are some who do it quite well. They are the people who seem to take to heart that if you take care of the people who work for you, they in turn will take care of the business. When working with people like that retail is annoying but no more annoying than any other career out there. No matter how much you love your job there is always something about it that you do not really care for.

The problem becomes when you have a manger who is a great business person but not so good with people. These are the people who act all nice and caring towards the customer, aka the one paying their pay check, but the ones who work there know it is an act. Now I get it. Walking the line between being a good business person and a good people person is a hard to balance, but it needs to be done if you actually want to keep the people working for you. A grumpy customer I can deal with, since the majority of the time I can understand why they are pissed even if there is nothing I can do about it. Having a, to put it politely, grumpy manager who seems to only like to hear themselves talk…not so easy to deal.  

Ever sense I moved out of my parents place the biggest question I get asked is “Are you tired of being by yourself?” The answer is No I am not tired of it. There are people out there who thrive on attention, who need and want to be constantly surrounded by people to be happy and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be around people. That however is not me.

I am the type of person who doesn’t mind being around people for a small amount of time. Then I need to be by myself in order to recharge. Even when I am at a party or in a public space I tend to stick close to those who I know best or sort of fade into the background if I do not know anybody. One of the reasons why I love my apartment so much is that it gives me the chance that I need to recharge and have some “Me” time. Something that I desperately need after dealing with people all day. Working full time in retail means I can’t get away from them, no matter how much I want to sometimes.

While I do not mind so much being around people I am also at my best when I can be by myself. I have no problem with enjoying my own company. Something that I don’t think that enough people can claim. While there is nothing wrong with grabbing coffee or dinner with a friend there is also nothing wrong with doing that by yourself. The thing I have noticed is seeing someone by themselves at a coffee shop does not raise as many eyebrows as seeing that same person by themselves at a sit down restaurant. Though honestly I do not see what the difference is, can anyone out there explain that one to me?

When I was a kid I used to think that people in the mid-twenties were so OLD. They must have their lives figured out already. I mean they are adults right, isn’t that what is supposed to happen when you are an adult? Oh to be young and naive again.  

Fast forward a few years to when I am actually in my mid-twenties. Do I have my life figured out like I thought I would when I was young? Ha Ha now that is a good one.  Instead of a white picket fence I have a one bedroom apartment. I have a job that I only somewhat like, on a good day, that just barley pays the bills. Sadly I haven’t quite figured out or disciplined myself enough to make money writing… yet. Oh and my idea of cooking is throwing something frozen in the microwave. So yeah, short answer is no I am not as far along as I thought I would be when I was a kid and in way too much of a rush to grow up.

Life is way more complicated and uncertain than my child’s mind could possibly comprehend. It is a scary world outside of your parents’ house. There was a saying that I had pinned up on my wall in my childhood room “You were scared, but you still got here; don’t forget that” T.B. Laberge. Nothing has been truer for me than that saying. I am the type of person who is not good with change, the many panic attacks at new chapters in my life can attest to that, so fear plays a huge part in my life. But I never let it stop me. It might have slowed me down to a crawl but I still kept moving forward and now here I am sitting in my own living room writing this blog post.

I did it, I moved out of my parents’ house. I am a real adult now. Ok maybe that is a step too far but I am out of my childhood bedroom. That is at least a step in the right direction. Though being out on my own has taught me that adulating is hard work. There are no parents around to make sure that I eat or that the never ending supply of coffee only works when you remember to buy said coffee. Though pro tip if you live close to your parents, if you ask nicely they may have pre prepared homemade meals for you in their freezer or bring you over ground coffee when you run out and the coffee grinder you brought with you turns out to be broken. (Thanks Mom and Dad).

Being independent has its advantages such as leaving and coming home whenever you want. For normal people that is, me, I tend to stay in more often than some would consider healthy. When you work with people all day the last thing you want to do is deal with them MORE when you are not getting paid for it. Overall being on my own right now seems to be treating me ok, even if I am constantly calling home for advice or going home once a week to do laundry. Hey my apartment doesn’t have a washer and dryer and why pay for it when I do not have to.