La Vie En Rose

There are days I forget who I am I forget my purpose, and where I stand There are days I wish I didn't exist Days I wonder, if I really went through all of this I picture all the smiles I've met along my way I feel the warmth and connections I've embraced through my days Yet when I sit all alone I almost am unsure if I've ever really known These people or these faces These smiles that I miss This comfort in things, that seem to no longer exists Some days are easy Those are on the days I don't think I keep my thoughts restricted, to only what is in front of me. I do not allow my mind to deepen Into the expansion of the sea With invitations of me sinking While the horizon wanders closer to me I stay afloat A day at a time By oppressing my desires And feeding my lies But floating on waters that are shallow and meek Don't offer the sense of living as sailing the deep sea I miss feeling the waves beneath Pushing me up and down as I dangled my feet Coming to a peaceful glide, with the sun on my skin And Breathing the mysteries of the water in. Sitting in wonder over all of the things that could be Astonished by everything around me I think the biggest disaster of all Is watching myself pretend to live While putting off anything I'm truly passionate in Telling myself I'm happy When I'm barely content Letting myself live When I know I'm not living It's easy to tuck my desires tight into my sheets Wake up in the morning, and smile for all the wrong things It's easy to know what you really need But those things seems impossible when you feel like you have nothing So you tell yourself, "I'm grateful for all I have" Which is not a lie at all it's the only thing you know to be true But it still doesn't solve that you aren't being you I don't like these nights where I feel the boredom dancing around my outer skin, waiting to come sink in. I can feel the discontentment pushing past my opposition, all too eager and uninvitingly creeping. It's reminding me of all the other emotions I have left by the trash. Trading them for stagnation, and the acceptance of less It's hard to see myself chose to be Less than hap-py Choosing a lesser version of me It's hard to hear myself reason with me That I'm doing this for my fam-ily And reassuring my wit That it's what I need Trying to fool myself So I can come to agree It's hard to see myself U n h a p p y Because I'm only trying to do what is expected of me I've never wished for a magic star with so much begging behind it hoping my heels are clicking just right Maybe if I just close my eyes, I know what it is I know I'm not happy with things like this It's upsetting to know I'm wasting my life My potential, my desires, my love and my fight I did not accept defeat But it's hard to watch me watch it all from the backseat But no one wants to hear, how you miss them every day No one wants to hear, how you really feel in your head. Instead you should be happy with <insert generic advice here> And the more I am showed that my feelings should not exist The more I forget who I really am in this To be told, who to do be What is allowed of me And I am only allowed to express the emotion of happy It is not advice that feeds to me I instead traveled so far from anything I use to be Out in space The infinite abyss Pieces of me I really miss

that is the thing about selfish people. they gamble entire beings. entire souls ... ...but the moment they sense fear. they are already halfway out the door. without having the nerve to let you go with grace. as if the human heart means that little to them. and after all this. after all of the taking. the nerve. isn't it sad and funny how people have more guts these days to undress you with their fingers than they do pick up the phone and call. apologize. for the loss. and this is how you lose her. - selfish Rupi Kaur