isolde

the thought of neil being thankful for mr keating for giving him a sign to do what he desires for the first time in his life even if that meant defying his father and him being able to finally live his dream for a short moment of time (that will sure last a lifetime for him) before taking his life and mr keating regretting any of it thinking neil would still be alive if it were not for him and the book and the lessons he taught.

my body deserves an apology for the unhealthy mechanisms i've had. for the times i chose to starve myself because eating felt like a privilege i do not deserve. the wounds visible in my arms, a sign reminding me how physical pain is nothing compared to the pain life gave me. the times where i would self destruct just because i thought i deserve all the torture. the times where i'd wished to just end it all and leave everyone behind. months have passed, i am slowly back on track, i am slowly reminding myself the good things i deserve, yet, I haven't apologized to me yet. i'm sorry because i was coward to let that happen, to let you think you deserve those things, for self sabotaging, for almost, almost leaving. the scars may not be visible, but the painful memory still lingers, and it will haunt me for a long time.

i'm so disappointed with myself for not watching dps earlier and also disappointed with myself for watching it.. that's it. that movie ruined me, there are so many spoilers i read, i watched, but it still fucking left an impact to me. i hate when the movie really touches my emotion, my well being, my soul i hate when the movie have to be so painful and memorable and good and full of realizations. i hate how good that movie is.