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@beautifulindividuality

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āāI am very good at being alone.āā

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When I don't understand how my crush doesn't know I'm interested
Clear your mind here
Ugh I needed this

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I tell myself I am searching for something. But more and more, it feels like I am wandering, waiting for something to happen to me, something that will change everything, something that my whole life has been leading up to.
Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed (via wnq-writers)
COSTA RICA
What's it like to have high-functioning anxiety/depression?
Itās working hard to appear to have your life together but struggling behind the scenes. And then feeling guilty for people thinking youāre intelligent/put together/stable because your brain constantly reminds you that youāre not. Itās feeling like you shouldnāt complain to others or get help because youāre still able to get out of bed most of the days. Basically, I am determined as hell in school and work but I still think about crashing my car a lot.
Ever since I chanced upon that article posted by The Mighty on High Functioning Anxiety, I have started to suspect myself suffering from it. In fact, the more I think about myself and the things I do, the more I read up on it, the more I am sure that Iām living with it.
What is High Functioning Anxiety (HFA), you ask? Well, Iām no expert on it yet but I will tell you this.
Living with HFA means having plenty of nervous habits. I have a habit of digging my thumb nails into the skin of my fingers and palms, sometimes even digging my finger nails into my thighs, the harder, the better. I cracked my knuckles, my neck, my shoulders, my spine, my pelvis, my legs, my toes, anywhere I could possibly crack, every single day. I peel my nails a lot (although they happen only in a periodic way i.e. if I get started on peeling, I would keep peeling it but there are periods where Iāll just leave them alone because I forgot about them). I bite my inner lip quite a lot. All along I thought they were just bad habits of mine but looking bad, they tend to happen when I was nervous and anxious, especially the nail digging and the nail peeling. I could look totally composed on my face but underneath the table or beneath my clothes all these nervous habits would be showing.
Living with HFA means constantly being in your head and living in your head. I could be talking to my friends and walking with them but in my head I would be thinking about something else. And itās not just being distracted. Itās imagine myself living out another personās life, in my own make-up world with my own make-up characters. And I just play out those scenes and dramas in my head. Sounds eerie I know. It can happen anytime. In the day or at night. Especially when Iām alone.
Living with HFA means screaming inside your head all the time and wishing that you could really let all those screams out. I keep wondering about what would happened if I just run out of my house to scream or just stop anyone outside who would listen to me to say what I have to say.
Living with HFA means keeping yourself constantly ābusyā to look like some high flyer or pro but in fact you are just giving yourself reasons to stay alive, to feel alive. I feel the need to constantly pile myself with different events, tasks, schedules and what not till my week is pretty much packed and I am completely drained by the end of the week. Itās the constant need of finding distractions for myself in order to get away or ignore the real problems that require my urgent attention. But I would still act like lifeās a breeze and itās all nothing because people need to be convinced or awed even by how Iām juggling my life so well. I need to look like an achiever, a stunner, in some way or another.
Living with HFA means finding yourself underserving. Undeserving of opportunities in life, of love, of people, of relationships, of happiness, of living. I always feel like I have to work for them and earn my right for them. But despite doing a lot and going all out, I would still feel like Iām underserving and the devil in the mind just go on and on in your head reminding you that nothing matters, and you donāt matter.
Living with HFA is being a professional faker, trying to look convincingly fine all the time. You fear about people finding out the real you. You want them to think you are okay, that you are fine. But you are not. You wish they know. But you are afraid of the outcome. I could drop them hints but they would probably think that Iām just being me, or being a little weird, or over the top, or dramatic, or random, but none of their guesses or thoughts will revolve around the possibility of me being mentally unwell. Simply because they are too convinced by my acting. They could not tell. Not even my closest or your loved ones would. How could I blame them? Even I did not know at the start. And it was all so confusing. For all I know, I could be making these all up.
Living with HFA means feeling the constant need to escape. Escape from people, from life, from responsibilities, from feelings, from questions, from reality, from the world. From every single thing. And so you would see me going MIA on chats (happens all the time actually) and on my worse days, MIA-ing from people, and this means I would not feel like doing anything, or going out, or having fun, anything, even if it is with my dearest friends. All I want to do is just stay in my own bubble (well, comforts of my blanket) and just wallow in my self-pity, sadness, sorrows, I really donāt know what to call those feelings. Iām not even sure if Iām feeling anything. Maybe just numbness. And this could last for days, or weeks.
In short, having HFA is a series of extremes and opposite ends. Itās wanting more but wanting none at the same time. Itās wanting others to find out the truth and not wanting them to know at the same time. Itās being vulnerable and coy at the same time. Itās the constant struggle of wanting to stay/feel alive and wanting to end it all at the same time.
And still, I donāt know what is it that I want.

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high functioning anxiety looks likeĀ straight Aās, 2 degrees by 22, a lawyer by 23Ā it looks like not being good enough, not applying for jobs cos you wonāt get them anyway, putting yourself down cos youāre really not that smart high functioning anxiety looks likeĀ travelling the world, taking beautiful pictures, always planning the next tripĀ it looks like never being satisfied, always needing to move, telling yourself that where you are is never the right placeĀ high functioning anxiety looks likeĀ being surrounded by friends, smiling and telling stories and laughing it looks like leaving the party early because you think you spoke to loudly and everyone thinks youāre annoying, making excuses for why you canāt come to your best friendās birthday but you really just stay at home in bed cos you canāt deal with seeing peopleĀ high functioning anxiety looks likeĀ texting friends, asking how theyāre doing, organising events and always smiling in front of peopleĀ it looks like checking your phone every 30 seconds to see if you have a reply, feeling like a burden to your friends, constantly apologising for not being good enoughĀ high functioning anxiety looks likeĀ people congratulating you on how amazing you are, saying they donāt know how you do it, wishing they could manage life like you canĀ it looks like self-doubt, writing and re-writing something a hundred times before you send it, your inner voice telling you youāre not good enough. not good enough. not good enough.Ā
high functioning anxiety looks likeĀ going over things a thousand times in your head and thinking nothing is right. it never is. high functioning anxiety looks like antidepressants, like valium, like drinking alcohol everyday. it looks like drinking alone. it looks like turning your phone off and throwing it across the room because someone hasnāt texted you back. it looks like moving overseas because you need to startĀ āfreshā but when you get there life is exactly the same and youāre still anxious and sad.Ā
I'm anxious at how much this relates to me
Sorry it's really fucking long, my brain hurts
Life is a little different when you have high functioning anxiety and depression. Minutes seem like hours, nothing is easy. Even the most mundane tasks: waking up brushing your teeth driving eating going to sleep. Every thought is thought at 200 mph and then 1,000 times over back and forth in front of your face like you can hear it and see it but canāt grab it. Itās all moving to quickly or maybe youāre moving too slowly. Your conscience is absolutely right about everything he speaks loud and clear and muffled and thereās 10 other voices, like being in a restaurant.
And you feel stupid. So stupid. Like every idea you have is trash and everyone will laugh just like they laugh in your head. But you canāt let them see that youāre upset because youāre not youāre just well you donāt know how you feel are you really even feeling? Are your anxieties real? Are you just overreacting? (because they say you are) They say youāre overly sensitive that you should just brush it off. Believe in yourself. You have worth. Ha How can I know Iām not crazy? How do I know Iām not overreacting? How do I know Iām not overly sensitive? How do I know Iām not insane? Maybe Iām not. Maybe Iām absolutely sane.
My brain is ill. Thereās no way a normal brain acts like this. But, whatās that even like?
For shits sake, You were never normal. Frozen was your favorite movie mostly because you could relate to Elsa. You push people away Conceal, donāt feel donāt let it show one wrong move and everyone will know. But you donāt let it show. You sit in church and every time your hand twitches from anxiety, You breathe deeper. You keep your posture when your friends are talking but they sound like the adults in Charlie Brown thereās a giggle stapled to your face. Itās all acting at this point. Because life must goes on. Anxiety doesnāt fucking stop me. It just makes me jump higher.
I've never related to something more