Eudaimonia

sometimes,

i can't help but wonder.

wonder about the books,

the music genres i didn't founded out about,

what life chances i could've get

if i didn't did the wrong choice several time ago

if i wasn't born this way.

what if,

everything worked out?

and i didn't got this sense of nostalgia,

that makes me feel numb and empty

and instead, i lived in the moment,

painted with colored chalk on the cracked asphalt,

and drank more coffee cups without feeling guilty,

guilty about not living life the way it is supposed to be and instead,

trapped in my bed, rotting like an angel on earth without its wings to get back to the paradise of heaven.

oh.. when it will be my turn?

to kick my feet and laugh,

to cry with tears of joy and feeling real,

stopping myself from getting the feeling of guilt in my throat everytime i feel the slightest sunray of happiness throught my life.

I wish summer will be different, not like this awful winter

i wish i could get a last breathe of relief before i die

and i wish.. before dying

to remember. to think.

about what?

no.. not about the awful memories that are burned throught my thick skull,

instead...

about the books i readed all my life, about the movies i watched when i needed comfort.

about the music that touched my heart and kissed my scars when no one was there, for me.

about the sense of nostalgia i got from being the typical artistic, weird girl everyone assumed me to be.

i wish everything would work out.

to feel a breath of relief, or one or two or more..

to stop feeling guilty.

everytime i am happy.

and to cry with tears of joy and enjoy talent and art in every pure form, feeling it, touching it,

kissing it and breaking it

without feeling any sense of guilt or melancholy

without feeling the painful nostalgia

that has..

that has been hunting me since i didn't even know what was that.

i think everything will work out.

i will cry with joy in my stomach

i will finally feel real without cutting

or making bruises over my pale body,

i will feel happy, with no longer guilt in my heart

i will be happy. and i will remember it..

with no longer that painful melancholy up in my bones,

with..

with no longer of that sad nostalgia in my eyes, or that painful aching feeling of crashing out, but..

letting it go.

in the summer..