Middle Aged, Sad, and Working Through It

It is not easy to be mostly straight and have a slight bi attraction. Especially in mid 50s and married. It has to be my secret.

My sadness came from being so confused and not being seen by wife as a lover. We have a good relationship, but 20 years ago something changed. We have a good life, but I felt abandoned in my sex life fantasies, desires, etc... It was all vanilla and on her time table.

And this bi attraction came along. I didnt act much. And had one encounter nearly 10 years ago that helped me learn to be careful. One amazing guy told me his story and shared some time with me. His tale helped me not get lost.

Now I am not sad. I beat it. And i dont really act on this side of my life. But I accept it and am not ashamed to be bi.

I wish I could find that "bromance" vibe with a cool guy I could trust. But i understand my own soul and what matters.

This month seems like it never addresses the issue of married guys, who are bi, and do not act on it (or even if they do secretly act on it).  Is their a place for guys who are bi and not out about it?  

For many it is a choice.  They come to realize they have an attraction for men long after they made a commitment and have a great life.  They do not want to mess with their family, but come to be okay with the bi side being part of them.

I never see much written, but I know from chatting here.... there are lots of people in this place.  

I have not been back to Tumblr in a long time.  I have come to terms with my bi side, and have decided to keep it on the shelf.  I am too committed to my wife and I like our life.  

The appreciation I have for my friend I met years ago with the whispy hair.  I hope he has found happiness.  We used to communicate here, then he was gone, then he was back.  Then I was gone.

I hope he found peace in his soul and has had the connection he wants with someone amazing.  

He kept me from making a big blunder that would have hurt people I love.  He so openly shared his story, his journey, and his dreams.  I got to see the good and bad of the road I was on, and made choices that were best for me because of his guidance and honesty.  

I am committed to my marriage.  But cool with my bi feelings.  I wish I had friends I could share this side of me....but alas it is still a complicated situation in a society with screwed up standards.

This blog was good to me and helped me sort out the confusion.  And the “Whispy Haired Guy” had a big influence on my understanding myself and becoming clear on what I want in life.  I wish he could be there inside himself...but he had a positive impact on someone (me)... and I hope he knows that.  Thanks to all who have commented and chatted here.  If anything I wrote helped you... I am happy.

I wish there was a secret club for guys like me to be able to be secure in nobody telling anyone... but where we could just be bi.  

I had abandoned this blog and much of my exploration of my bi side.  Things are better at home than they have been in a long time.

Still have the slight bi attraction, and wish society allowed to to be openly explored (and by society I mean my wife...lol).

But over the past few years I have come to like whole self.  This side I cannot share (being bi) is nothing to be ashamed of at all.  It is a real part of the human experience.  

I was in a bad place 5 years ago (or was it 6?) when I met the whispy haired guy who was so open and honest about his journey.  He saved me from going down a self destructive path by sharing the ups and downs of his own journey.

He did not see his own light that shown so brightly, and let his demons hold him back.  But he was able to change my soul and allow me to learn to love myself and to choose to stay on the path I was on, as it is the right place for me.  

Do I wish I could have it all? Sure, don’t we all.  But relationships have sacrifices and you stay if the good outweighs the bad.  In my case the good is really good.  

I like this blog cuz of the people I have chatted with here.  One guy (who I only know here, but because of the whispy haied one) chose a different path that had lots of bumps in road, and he is now so happy (and fit as shit...yum).... he too helped me by sharing his story.  

I am not saying I beat sadness, but I have proven it is my subordinate.  Sadness no longer is in control.

The actions and words of other people in my life ruined me. Made me feel small.  I was “less than”.  Emasculated.  Lost. And I was sad

But no more. 

There is nothing my wife or friends could say, intentional or off handed, that could hurt me anymore.  I have realized what the problem was and how I dealt with it was bad.  A toxic friend was in the mix, and that just tossed gas on the fire for me, and my wife.  

Toxic friends, as I have learned from my research, are common.  These people are the ones who bring the drama, hold secrets and gossip, and undermine you when they can. Then they turn on you before you get the chance to realize how fucked up they are in their heart and soul.  Like vampires, they suck the life from you and the relationships in your life that matter.

We had one of these people in our inner circle. They came close to undermining our whole lives. Drove wedges between people. Made me feel “less than” and allowed my wife to see me the way I felt. And then lured her to her own undermining of self. 

It was too many years to count, but the chains toxic soul are gone forever and we are back on the right path.  Plus, I am more confident in me than I ever was in the past.  I found the code to my “reboot” and restored my happiness and confidence to levels that I thought were long forgotten.

I made mistakes alone the way.  I almost went down some really bad and self destructive paths.  My “whispy haired friend” crossed my path 4 years ago and showed me his own demons and advised in ways to not make some fatal mistakes.  While he is just a memory, he had divine timing and a caring heart. His ability to be open with his story and share his darkness allowed me to change directions and eventually get off my journey to despair. 

I have had a weird awakening of the universe.  I am called to something.  I feel the connection of humans, all humans, and the spirit.

Not sure what has happened.  I am in tune with self and humanity.

Called to feel the cosmic thread of life.

I feel good. Dare I say happy. I have spent years battling demons.  Lately I am okay.

Do I still have all the external bull shit that created me to be so unhappy.. yes, for the most part nothing in my life has changed.  But my sadness is in a pen.  I am hoping I can keep it there.

I called this blog “Beating Sadness” as when I started writing here I was dealing with all types of personal issues and was not doing great inside.  

There is no magic answer. I did not go to therapy.  I never tied plant medicine.  I just made the decision that I was sick of being down.  Other people no longer get to make me feel bad about me. My problems at my job are not who I am inside.

Choices I am making to stay the course and not blow up my life seem to be the right ones for me. Others have taken different paths. I honor them.  But more importantly I honor myself.  

Hmmm... I am not sad as much.  I am working on making marriage better.  I am on here less often.  I am off looking for others to make me happy. 

I am called to try the plant medicine.  Big departure from the old me to want this, but I do want to try. I am seeking some change inside of me. I am wanting to break free.  But my wife would most likely not support this adventure, and it is a bit difficult to sneak away to try this as it seems like a whole weekend?

Nobody knows the whole me.  People make judgement and assume they know my beliefs, orientations, wants, financial standing, etc...  But I cannot think of anyone who knows 100% of my soul.  It makes me sad.

But I realize other people feel the same way. Society made so many rules that now we are paralyzed. Nobody wants to call bull shit.  Both sides of politics have plans that involve lies and hoping we are all sheep and stay on our team.  I left for the middle long ago.  But found it empty. Their plan works, and the divide is deepening.

My career is not on target and there are so many friends who could help me, but they are too scared about their own situation they do nothing.

And don’t get me started about the need and wants for more sex.  That is a whole book.  

Lonely. But too scared to reach out and put all of me out there, for fear I could trust the wrong person and my card house could fall.

I have struggled with sadness.  I have written about it here.  Some of it was tied to dealing with the realization of having legit bi feelings.  I am not one who wants to mess up my marriage or family.  But those feelings are real and I had to understand them.

I am okay with that and the choices I have made.  I am living the life I committed to and not trying to have it all.  But also not risking that which I have and adore.

Yet my sadness stays.  It goes up and down.  But now I realize it has more to do with my shortcomings in my career. I have not achieved what I wanted to by now. And I wonder if there is time to right the ship and go get the next level. 

Sadness has long arms and it wraps itself into all areas of a life.  

Sex and money are seductive and I never seem to get enough of either.

As a kid the grown ups never told me life was always filled with struggles.  There are so many things that are difficult and I never expected they would be an issue in middle age.

Money, sex, depression, relationships, careers, kids, aging parents, siblings, etc.... They are never easy to deal with at any age.

As we get older I assumed all the answers would become clear. NOPE. 

My sadness comes and goes. I fight it all the time. But am I beating it?  Seems like a stalemate.

A hunger for connection with others (not just sex) is always there. 

While money problems are common, they seem like they are unique to me.  

I once told my whispy haired friend that I do not feel things as deeply as he does. And that is true.  But I am fighting the sadness, and trying to feel emotions on all levels. 

It is hard. A lifetime of putting myself second. A belief I had to be a certain way. A want of not being judged by peers or society. 

Recently figured out what I need, and that is new friends. Not that my old ones are bad, but they see me in a way that will not change.  But how does one make new friendships in their 50s?  It is hard. 

I want to feel friendship, joy, fun, etc..  I want new experiences. I want to feel feelings. 

While it is different, my internal struggles continue.  I started this blog 3 years ago.  Or was it four? I think three.  

Had some good conversations with others who struggle in their own ways.