What Are Boundaries and How to Identify Your Own
Boundaries are important and tell others how we wish to be treated. Without them, we risk falling into people-pleasing tendencies that leave us resentful and dissatisfied with our lives. Saying this, despite the importance of being able to identify and set boundaries with those around us, most of us absolutely suck at 1), knowing what our boundaries are and 2), communicating them to those around us.
And it’s not entirely our fault we’re boundary(less); maybe you were used to placing your thoughts/feelings aside to evade your caregiver’s wrath as a child, maybe you’ve resorted to people-pleasing out of a fear of being yourself, or maybe you hold love on such an inexplicable high pedestal that you fear setting boundaries will scare people away.
In all cases, we lose sense of our worth in-process and consequently abandon our own authentic voice. Becoming acquainted with our standards and being able to voice them to the people we care about is therefore imperative.
How exactly do we do this, though? And what does a boundary even mean?
Mark Manson’s Description Of Boundaries
Mark Manson, author of the “subtle art of not giving a f*ck* and self-help blogger describes boundaries as the following,
Healthy Personal Boundaries = Taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others.
All this simply means is that it is my job to take care of me, and your job to take care of you. Issues arise with us when we confuse these roles.
For example, you’re dating someone who tells you not to go out on a Friday night because it makes them feel insecure. This would be them assuming you need to act a certain way to make them feel comfortable.
In contrast, you self-abandoning and not going out with friends to appease your partner would be you taking responsibility for their emotions in favor of your own. In this case, you’re not doing right by yourself, you’re doing right by them.
Both of these are bad as 1), you self-abandon and become resentful when you let go of parts of your personal life in order to appease your partner, and 2), your partner doesn’t learn to manage their own emotions. Boundaries are standards we set that are for us; they nourish our wellbeing and ensure others know how to treat us.
Can you think of any more examples where you don’t take accountability for your own emotions or take too much responsibility for others? I’ve listed a few below.
Saying yes when you want to say no to make someone feel better (people-pleasing).
Being overtly caring and nice and getting frustrated when you don’t get something in return (covert contracts).
Telling your partner they need to reply quicker as it’s making you feel insecure and anxious (despite no red flags).
Figuring Out What Your Boundaries Are
Brené Brown, the American researcher, writer, and teacher, describes boundaries as simply being “What’s okay, and what’s not”. It’s knowing what standards need to be met in order to keep you physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy, and communicating that effectively to the people around you.
This can be difficult as many of us don’t even know what is good for us, and what is not. This means developing our self-awareness in order to move forward setting boundaries that nourish our wellbeing. Let’s look closer at how we can do this.
Knowing What Is Good For Us and What Is Not
A great way to figure out what is good for you and what is not is simply looking into the past at things that went wrong and discerning what you needed in those moments.
For example, maybe you dated someone who was emotionally unavailable and you allowed them to walk all over you. In hindsight, you can see that emotional availability is very important to you, and therefore, dating someone emotionally available is a boundary you need to set in the future.
Is this person avoidant with me, or are they open? You can ask yourself. If open, great, you can allow them in. If not, they’re not allowed to cross the boundary. Your boundary here is only moving forward with people who show they are willing to be emotionally available with you.
Back to the previous point and Mark Manson’s definition. Someone with poor boundaries would likely stay in a toxic environment with someone unavailable. Someone with proper boundaries would walk away I.E taking responsibility for their own actions and emotions. They wouldn’t try to force availability out of someone — that would be taking responsibility for someone else’s actions and emotions.
People have a right to do what they want. It only becomes a problem for you when you tolerate it and then get angry at being disrespected. You don’t have to stay in anything that is uncomfortable for you. Part of having healthy boundaries is accepting people have a right to do and feel as they like, but that you can express your disagreement and walk away if nothing changes.
Boundaries come in three forms; porous, rigid, and healthy.
Porous boundaries are those we start implementing but don’t maintain. For example, you tell your partner you won’t tolerate mistreatment but in light of similar behaviors, you fail to follow through on any real consequences. Likewise, you may tell yourself you won’t keep saying yes when you really mean no, yet continue to people-please.
Porous boundaries arise when we fail to nurture our long-term wellbeing in favor of short-term relief. They’re also a result of a lack of trust in our own capabilities to stand in our worth.
Rigid boundaries are too strong and don’t allow for any compromise. This can look like an avoidantly attached individual being unwilling to open up to their partner despite conversations and concerns around their emotional unavailability. It may also look like someone refusing to ask for help out of fear of appearing weak, or “needy”.
Rigid boundaries, like porous ones, are rooted in fear. Whereas individuals with porous boundaries fear the repercussions of having solid boundaries, individuals with rigid ones fear the consequences of not having theirs upheld.
Individuals with healthy boundaries have a strong sense of self and are able to stand their ground when challenged. They’re the people who won’t stand mistreatment after expressing their needs and won’t compromise their values for the sake of others. They’re also the individuals who are fluid and are understanding that not all boundaries are fixed; they can be changed depending on the context.
Furthermore, people with healthy boundaries aren’t ruled by fear. They see their experiences for what they are and are able to adjust or reinforce their boundaries when necessary.
Beginning to set boundaries is a challenge but as far as challenges go, it’s worthwhile to invest your time in this one. Healthy boundaries will not only ensure you are taking care of your own relationship, but also the relationships of those around you.
By Joe Gibson - Above The Middle (Medium). Photograph by Juan Mendez On Pexels.
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