when i get home im going to put my parrotfish in the fridge, drink some wine, and tear up some calculus

i think im mildly allergic to broccoli maybe???

waking up at 1:30 AM for work means that noon is cocktail hour and you’re drunk n passed out by 7 pm

i was called a spring chicken today

i love the earthy taste of beet juice. people just make up reasons to avoid vegetables, where do u think they come from…? wash them and peel them maybe? WE ARE ADULTS EAT YOUR VEGGIES!

someone asked me if i was sudanese today…and i told him i’m jamaican, he told me to take a DNA test. i explained that i have taken an ancestry test before and he didn’t believe me. men always want to be right. i am 0% sudanese

dont talk to me if u refer to your boyfriend or girlfriend as your husband/wife because i’m going to ask when you got married, how was your wedding, did you enjoy your honeymoon… and if u say “oh i’m not actually married.” i’m walking away

smoked mackerel in spanish olive oil YEAH. and i wonder how my hair looks so good…im eating crazy amounts of fish every day and chugging carrot juice like a maniac…i dont eat at work so i can just tear up all the fish i have once i get home. tomorrow im making salmon with broccolini and bell peppers

my cat is rudeee as FUCK i was on the phone yesterday and he attacked me. now im trying to record a video and hes attacking me. like i cant talk to anyone besides u and your father ok…im genuinely shocked me bit the fuck out of my foot

old lady blasting alejandro on break at 4 am yeah… thats the casino for u

when ppl wear those clear stilettos and their feet start getting sweaty and you see the condensation from the sweat im going to frow up