Randomaging's Thoughts

To cut or not to.... To risk him seeing or not to.... I’m writing hoping it will make me not want to cut but that is not working and I want to cut. Wish all my online friends didn’t grow apart from me so I had someone to talk to. But noooooo most of them vanished or they didn’t care what I needed they just wanted me to be like their counselor. 

3:36am and I'm very tired but two people wanna be very loud laughing and shit. I worked, I shopped, walked home with the food i shopped for(at least half a mile with 30lbs on my back and 10lbs in my hands), cooked dinner, and made a 7 hour long dessert and I've got to get blood drawn tomorrow.

Soo tired. Its windy and cold and it snowed. Would rather be in my nice cosy bed instead of some cold bus headed to work. My eye lids won't even stay open fully making me look more of an Asian with these squinty eyes. Good morning world, may the hours hurry by quick so I can sleep again.

So my body is attacking itself and I'm all like supposed to be happy and live a normal life while my body assassinates itself leaving me with depression which I already have a depression problem so it makes it worse and my body always feels weak like anything will knock me down. So I'm fighting this shit on top of dealing with others stupidity and they have no clue I'm fighting a battle against myself and if I say I am they say I look healthy and shit. It's just very annoying especially when dealing with people who act like their sickness is worse than mine and pay no mind to me. Sometimes I wish to just die.

Sometimes I wonder if the things people post were meant for me or for someone else.

Just bleh. So I still wonder why every girl after me is better than me like what do they have I don't? Anyways over that, I've realized we're better as friends. Just as I realize what I've done by sabotaging myself by getting and staying in a relation which just sucks when I could of been with the perfect somebody but didn't think I was good enough for them. Now I'm stuck still loving the other while with someone else I love a little less than the other >-<

So just got a new bed but not excited to hear what the mother in law will say as she's always freaking complaining about everything -.-

Fucking annoying, I wake up, walk the fuckto work every morning, fucking clean someone else's house, give them a bath, cook, go to another persons house inhaling fucking smoke and doing shit there, then fucking come home and you expect me to cook and clean here when you slept all fucking day and played video games? Then when my check comes I buy fucking food and shit for you. And to top it off my fucking period won't go the fuck away. So yeah I'm fucking moody and don't wanna fucking make the bed or any shit. I wish guys got fucking periods, it could come outta their ass and they could bleed heavy or light, long or short, and have fucking mood swings and fear that the blood will soak through their clothes and people will laugh. Or fear people can smell the fucking blood as it makes us fucking smelly. And get all bloated and fat while craving for shit that ends up making them more bloated and sick feeling while on top of it fucking feeling like someone's burning and scraping at the inside of them as they get cramps. -.-

Anti-depressants for my stomach probs -.-

I wanna cut badly -.- this bitch is like annoying the hell out of me. She had four days and all this morning and afternoon to finish cleaning the kitchen, but noo she waits till I start cooking then decides she wants to start cleaning and spraying chemicals around the fucking food. Mind you I took the stove apart and cleaned that shit already. I hope I fucking die from the chemicals too. Idc that it would be slow and horrible. I had enough of life on earth.

I wanted his comfort as he would understand more than my current bf but when I saw his tumbler post I didn't know how to feel. So instead I'm sitting here depressed, not knowing what to do or how to take the information my mother just told me. Perfect -.-

I hate replying to someone like as soon as they say something and then all of a sudden they take forever to reply back. Or like when you message them and they never reply back and you know they've seen it but they are just ignoring you till they have a problem and need you. That crap is annoying and people wonder why I feel alone and taken advantage of -.-

And does it even matter to you that I still care deeply for you? Wait, I forgot that I don't matter to you and never will anymore...

That haunting of what if or what could it have been. Then there's the second guessing of is this right? or am I happy? The stress of never knowing never going away. This is forever my life till I die from it.

And I now realize the person I used to know is locked inside, hidden so good that not even you remember who that person once was. And now I mourn for that person I will never see again as I bid you a fare good-bye.