Beardies🦎&Beys

August 9th 2016. The day my life changed forever. What started as a simple tinder swipe in hopes of a hookup, turned out to be the start of something great. By august 23rd we were official, and boy did we have plans. By the summer of 2016 we planned to be moved out, we planned to be working full time and starting our lives together. Because we felt like we could rule the world together, then February of 2017 hit. All those plans hit a standstill, you told me you were pregnant. Woah! A quick change to life ensued, we stopped smoking, drinking, partying and whatever other recreational party substances we did. A new leaf was started, a new beginning we quickly started saving what we could, while still not losing time with one another. Saving money, buying clothes setting up baby stuff. It was all set, moved in with your family. And we stayed im the basement. Quickly turning it into our lil home inside a home. But things quickly went sour. Myself being young and dumb not realizing my actions were hurting you, not realizing that the lying was breaking you, that the mistrustful actions I appeared to be doing in your head were tearing us apart. We quickly started a cycle where things would be amazing for a month or two then we’d be back to fighting. I tried to change I tried to be better but in your eyes I wasn’t. I came up short, and that’s my fault. I’ve lived with guilt for the better part of 5 years. Guilt of taking you for granted. When we started out I promised myself I’d never hurt you, the only thing I wanted to do was make you happy or to treat you like a queen. Some where along those lines I lost myself or lost us. And I’m truly sorry, I’m sorry for all the times I lied, in my mind I thought I was avoiding a fight but  in advertently caused one instead. I’m sorry for the times I came off selfish and only focused on myself, instead of not seeing you needed help. Weather being a parent or being a partner. I was selfish and wrong to think you could do any of that on your own.

I got too preoccupied. You’d ask me to play my games less, I saw it as you complaining instead of you asking me for time and attention. You felt alone and needed me there, but I was too preoccupied. Chasing a dream of being a “streamer “ or whatever that was, I shut down and got easily frustrated instead of understanding our child was confused and needed guidance. Instead leaving all of that on you. I wish I could wave a wand and wish away all the wrong I’ve put you through, all the heartache all the countless times you begged me to spend time with you, or to talk to you. Instead I took you for granted and finally lost the person most important to me. I’ve always been your biggest cheerleader though I don’t make it clear. I always wanted you to succeed or be happy just didn’t think that wouldnt include me. For years I took for granted the best friend I’d ever had. For years I didn’t take the threats of leaving serious. Because when I met you I told you I wasn’t ever giving you up. That I meant forever because you saved me. Came into my life at a time when I was one bad night away from calling it quits, one bad night away from finding a vice to od on. Then I met you and it made me see a new light in life. It made me find a person I wanted to spend every waking moment of my life and with. Maybe it’s the young in me? Maybe I’m holding on to the last part of my life from a time that doesn’t feel like myself anymore. Who knows? We said forever and I meant forever, you no longer want forever. And that kills me. I get why? You feel spent, you feel like you’ve given all you can give, you’ve poured your all into us. That there’s nothing left to do. That we are beating a dead horse. As much as I beg or plead for you to see another way or better outcome. It fails. I’ve got no one to blame but myself, I did this. I failed you. I made this relationship a place where you didn’t feel safe with me, I made this relationship a place of resentment and anger. Instead of being there by your side when you needed me most. They say you’re always too late when you finally realize. Which is true. I always notice the issues when it’s too late or when you’re one foot out the door. Now I finally pushed you to the edge and you’ve finally had it. No amount of im sorry or pleading or begging to go to therapy will change your mind. It’s too late and I must accept that. I can’t though.

You’re my other half…..

I don’t get where the disconnect came from? As recently as December you were talking about how all we needed was to get a large sum each from someone we knew and we could move out, as recently as last month I was telling you I was scared because it felt like I was losing you. And I didn’t wanna lose my best friend. Looks like it’s too late for that.

I don’t want this to be the end. At one point you considered what we had good and you considered our future hard but bright. In the span of a day you changed suit. I’ve spent 4 out of 5 years seeing you as the last thing I saw before I went to sleep and the first thing I saw when I woke up. I don’t want that to no longer be, I don’t want a reality where I wake up not with you I’m my arms, a world where we can’t snuggle and watch movies and tv shows non stop, a world where your voice isn’t the only thing I hear. For five years you’ve been the constant in my life. The one person I knew I could count on, the one person truly on my side. Now you tell that’s too hard, that you can’t do it anymore or that you’ve got nothing to give me. When I need you most. When I need my best friend more then ever, she’s got nothing left to give. I’ve gotta learn to live in a world where the one person I’m able to be myself with isn’t that person anymore. A world where instead of coming home to my family. My beautiful girlfriend ( who I hoped to be my wife) and our beautiful son aren’t there. Instead I’ll go home to nothing but darkness and despair. For five years all I’ve known all my life has revolved around you two. And the more time passes the more time sets in, the more I don’t want that to be a reality.

My best friend, the person who promised me forever, the woman I wanted to marry & have all my kids with.

Can’t take me anymore. I no longer make you happy, I no longer provide the safe feeling you should feel with a significant other

Selfish for years. Not wanting to let you go because I couldn’t bare the thought of you being with someone else, coming home to someone else, seeing movies with Someone else, being happy with someone who wasn’t me. I held on for years when I should of let you go, you were being held back by me, my unwillingness to change until it was too late, my stubbornness for not understanding why things upset you, or my down right hurtful nature towards you.

I understand why you’re tired, why you feel like you’ve given all you can give. Five years with someone. All I did was hurt and drain you

And now I must let you free, now I must say goodbye. When that’s the farthest thing from what I want to do, all I want is you by my side until we grow old.

But I used up all my chances, I had five years to change and I couldn’t.

I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to your standards. Or anyones im sorry the last five years were so bad, I’m sorry for everything.

I hope you find all the happiness I was holding you back from, I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you needed.