AGB

I think I really let my life get a little out of hand this past month. I do not regret it (all that much), but it is bitting me in the ass now as I try to recuperate and mend the repercussions. I am still aiming for all A’s this semester, so I really have to buckle down, and get better. 

Waking up early is helpful. Mia and I are making it a thing now where we wake up at five in the morning, go to Starbucks, and just catch up on anything we need to do before the actual day commences. This time in the morning is probably my fav time just because it’s calm, and you encounter a specific kind of people that just carry some sort of peace about them. Sounds too deep, but whatever lmao it’s nice to be in the presence of all that, and see the sunrise in the morning. 

Need to start working out at the gym again to gain strength in my legs and arms. I have actual motivation now other than aesthetics, just because I want to be one of the better girls on the frisbee team and I want to look good for when we go to raves and stuff lol. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to implement that into my schedule. 

This week’s tasks are to: keep all grades up, turn in any assignments that need to be turned in, get all A’s, talk to my chemistry professor for that last test that I screwed up, quit my job since it takes too much of my time when it does not need to, talk to Tita Nonette about working at the clinic, sign up for the ATI TEAS test, look for more volunteering places in order to help me out with my resume and experience shit, etc etc. 

We got Porter Doginson yesterday, our black labrador, and he is honestly so perfect for our family. There isn’t anything wrong with him other than the fact that he is a puppy, so he pees and poops everywhere. But he is quiet and playful, and Macho is so happy around him. Makes me feel better when we all leave for school and work. Initially, they did not get along that well, but now they are inseparable. Makes my heart warm. 

as of lately, i spend a lot of time in solitude. it brings out the best and worst in me. 

the best because i have been able to approach internal issues that i have placed in the back burner and ignored for so long. i think more consciously about myself, my words, my actions. i used to think being mindless brought me peace, and honestly,  i still do. i feel more like myself that way. thinking is such a pain in the ass. 

however, these times are different. things are more difficult, and the mindless do not survive. strategy and order must be implemented in llife, because right now, i cannot afford external chaos. internal chaos? that is manageable and intangible. i call the shots on what i bring to life. 

the worst because, like the best, i approach internal issues. it is all a double-edged sword. my anxiety is like a never-ending roller coaster right at this point. everyday is constant downfall and reassurance and reminders. i am thankful for mia and zoe, the people who keep me accountable throughout all of this. they help me not go insane, as well as, channels like journaling and tumblr where i can just spill whatever is on my mind. 

“1. pursuit of love, at what cost? 

2. pursuit of love, is it a one way or two way street? 

3. pursuit of love, is it love? 

4. pursuit of love, can it be toxic? 

pretty sure i figured out the reason why i’ve been exceptionally emotional for the past few days other than the fact that life is getting a little intense: i am getting my fucking period. 

i actually have not been on tumblr for years, but since i asked zoe to take away my social media platforms im resorting to this. also this is just a good outlet to release any thoughts of mine since not that many people are on here anymore. 

i am twenty years old now. in november i am turning twenty-one, and even though that is most people’s favorite age to approach for me, my birthday means that i am getting older and older, life is passing by, and i am still playing catch up. 

just going to address now that this entire post probably won’t make sense just because i am typing away as my thoughts come at me fast. it does not really matter anyways because i do not think anyone will read this other than zoe which is probably up to date on how i am feeling in general already. 

this week was hectic and today was turmoil. maybe it is just the fall season or maybe i really am entering phase one of adulthood or something because fuck man i am more confused than ever. i feel so out of tune with myself. my anxiety has been off the charts these days which sucks because i thought i dealt with all that shit spring of 2018, but here are these paralyzing ass thoughts again coming to haunt me. i often have to type or write my thoughts just to catch and release them so i am not immobilized for hours. even then, i feel unresolved.

wondering when i will gain clarity in my life. honestly as cliche as it sounds i am constantly posing the question: “who am i?” because really... who the FUCK am i?????? a lot of this year consisted of finding myself, and figuring out what i need and want and what i don’t. now i am just putting all the pieces together, but even then i feel as if what i’ve obtained is not enough. definitely some personal characteristics that i need to build up on. feeling like i am not good enough. do not want to feel that way anymore. 

i woke up feeling heavy hearted because of a multitude of things. one big factor is that yesterday at the dean’s party, joshua leaving to go to school in san antonio really settled in for me. maybe i am just being too emotional now, and the reality is, i am probably going to see him as often as i do now even when he is upstate just because in college, we do not see everyone we want to see as often even if we are just a few miles apart. everyone’s schedules are so busy and different from one another it is difficult to align. i don’t even think that he considers me that close, but for me, that boy holds such a special place in my heart especially after all that weird ass bull shit that we all encountered together as brunch club summer and fall of 2017. those were the best of times and those were the worst of times. pains me because i feel like a major part of my heart and pack here at home is parting. first all the other people that we parted from a little when we graduated high school, then miguel, then joshua, then others... goodbyes are difficult. 

the idea of me leaving home too is soon becoming a reality. october is now here. i plan on taking my ATI in november or december. need to turn in my applications in december and january as well. i hope things turn out well too. but this idea of me moving away from everything that i know and love is excruciating to even think about, so imagine how the hell i am going to react whenever things actually play out for me. this stresses me out to my core, man. last night when i came home, i just felt in my heart that i should stay home, but i do know that i want to do this overall. 

a lot of questions come to mind like: is macho going to be okay? are my parents going to be okay? they should’ve had another damn child to keep them company, but also help me fend for our family in the future lol. will my parents be depressed? will i be depressed? because i am pretty sure i will be because a lot of my strength does not come from within, but it comes from the people that love me dearly. other questions too. a lot more actually. i just do not like pressing the shift button to create the question mark because it makes my hands perform this unnatural position, hence why this entire post is not capitalized either. 

is this what adulthood is like? difficult and lonely? am i always going to feel confused and off centered? because if so, just off me now! just partially kidding, but honestly, the idea of living fast and dying young does sound appealing to me. i won’t do it ever though. i am not suicidal or anything. i obviously do want to see this life through. and despite the negative thoughts i do recognize that there are so many other things that are so prominently lovely in life that i have.

actually, i am going to talk about that now because of balance and shit right? pemdas? cancel out the negative with a positive. 

even though life is a little crazy, and i don’t know if i personally make it crazy because i am a little off as a person in general, or if it is just meant to be this way, i am blessed through and through. and even though it doesn’t feel great in these moments, it is still good. though this idea is something that i struggled with all my life, i know i am not alone. i know that i am far from it, even in these thoughts that i have in my head, i know there are many others that share the same feelings and contemplations. 

i know this is a major shift from the beginning of this post, but i am feeling better. may change in a few hours, but just because you are thinking certain thoughts it does not mean that they are always true. you control and have the power to believe what is prominent in your mind and what is not. 

thankful for a God that helps me recognize that. thankful for the resources and the people that he has provided me along this journey. it is full of valleys and mountains, but i’d like to believe that the ups and the good things in life are worth it. 

counting my blessings in maslow’s hierarchy of needs (basically, because i recognize that i am fulfilled to the brim and more)

1. physiological needs: i have the bare necessities in life. just had a good ass meal of corned beef and fried rice. haven’t had that combination in a while. can drink 8 glasses of water per day, even more, if i wanted to. was able to sleep, have air conditioning in my house. 

2. safety needs: security and safety is met. fortified house. former gangster of a dad who is in possession of several effective weapons. strong enough body? macho is a better watchdog now, he barks more when he feels threatened. my community is generally safe. i also have a good sense of intuition? 

3. belongingness and love needs: great family. me, mom, dad, and macho. they are the most perfect combination of beings that i could ask for in my life. sometimes my dad irritates the shit out of me, but i still love him endlessly, as he does me. i am blessed with the best of friends. honestly, i couldn’t ask for a better pack of people to lift me up and make life worth living. 

4. esteem needs: something that i am still working on, but for the most part, with the correct mindset, my perspective of self is much better than what it used to be. 

5. self-actualization: it’s getting there. i am getting there. i have all the resources that i need in life to be the best version of myself, and i am getting there.