Tits up !

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.

He has no interest in teaching people what a fucking microaggression is, or why a question is homophobic or why a particular comment is racist. If he doesn't like it, he's done. And he is enough in demand (and not at all actually in need of money) to enforce this. The teams need him. He doesn't need them.

There are probably a few teams that have declined because of that, but most are gonna make sure everyone is on their Best Goddam Behavior. The locker room can, on a normal day, be the most vile cesspit of toxic masculinity, but the GM/whoever is in charge makes it Really Fucking Clear that while Shane Hollander is within a hundred miles of their rink they are the Most Enlightened Team On Planet Earth.

Yuna Hollander does not hesitate to scoop that charitable opportunity up.

They get their 12 players, one for each month. Shane gets his birth month, May. The tagline on top of his photo is: "I may be a two-time Stanley Cup winner, but I still get checked regularly for early onset heart disease."

During the following preseason, Ilya walks in on the Bears howling with laughter about something. Never one to be left out, Ilya demands to know what's so funny. He's passed a Heartthrob Against Heart Disease 2018-2019 calendar and joins in on the laughter as he flips through these idiots. That is, until he gets to May.

Shane is on the ice, a hockey stick slotted across his broad shoulders, arms draped over it. He's shirtless, only wearing gloves and his baggy hockey pants, ridden down on one side to show off the top of his underwear and the deep V just above his hips. They must have had him do pushups because his abs are more defined than usual, deep cuts across his stomach shimmering with a thin layer of sweat. His hair was messed up, like someone had run their hands through it. He was looking directly at the camera, a little smirk on his face like he knew exactly what he was doing. His biceps...

The calendar was snatched from him, which was probably a good thing, if the saliva pooling in his mouth and the tightness of his pants were anything to go by.

But he knows Ilya used to traipse around Europe in the summers, and he knows he was a club rat, so despite the fact that it makes Shane feel like he’s gonna puke, he’s incredibly excited to, like, not only see this side of Ilya but to experience it with him.

But before we talk partying we gotta talk about transport.

They get picked up from the airport with a very highly rated private service and rent an obnoxious villa on a fucking cliff over-looking the water because they can. It has a gym, infinity pool, private beach access and various other amenities, including a huge wine cellar with included sommelier, and a garage of sports cars and motorbikes/scooters. They take the cars a few times, and the Montrealer in Shane fucking relishes in the chaotic pace of Spanish traffic (which Ilya has not yet had the opportunity to see and is a little shocked by, but finds incredibly hot).

It takes more for convincing for the motorbike.

“I don’t want to end up in the hospital on our honeymoon—”

“Who said anything about hospital? Hollander, I am an expert. I would drive all around—”

“Yeah, and you shouldn’t have been doing that, anyway! They’re death traps!”

“One ride. Just quickly around.”

“Ilya.”

“Shane.” He comes closer, sliding his hands over Shane’s hips. “You, with your secret fucked up driving? You will love it, I promise.” He squeezes his hands and shrugs innocently. “And if you’re too scared you can follow me in a car.”

“Fucking—” Shane cuts himself off. Glares. “If we get hurt you’re gonna break the news to Weibe. And my parents.”

Ilya gleefully hands him a helmet.

“This is peer pressure,” Shane grouses as Ilya helps him put it on.

“Mm,” Ilya hums, straddling the bike. He puts on his own helmet. He’s not hot. At all. “Now, behind me. Feet on the little things on the side—yes, perfect.” He revs the engine like an asshole, and Shane firmly tells himself that isn’t hot, either. Neither is the way Shane wraps his arms around him, or how he has to hook his chin over Ilya’s shoulder to hear him over the noise, or when Ilya smirks and says hold on, Hollander before they take off like a fucking shot. Shane swears in surprise, arms squeezing Ilya’s middle. He can he feel him laughing and can’t help but grin back.

It’s… okay, it’s fun.

Ilya eases off the speed a little so it isn’t quite as terrifying, takes the turns more slowly, and is careful with the cracks and potholes. Eventually, the fact that he’s holding back becomes more annoying than sweet, and Shane takes advantage of an empty road at their more sedate pace to cuddle up against Ilya’s back more thoroughly. “This how you normally drive?” Shane yells against the wind.

He can feel Ilya shrug. “Precious cargo!” He yells back.

“Don’t worry about me!”

Ilya glances back at him, raising a brow. At the squeeze of Shane’s arms around him, he smirks and fucking guns it. They weave through traffic, around potholes, and take turns that have Shane’s heart in his throat and his adrenaline pumping. “If it’s too much, you say!” He hears Ilya yell through the wind.

It’s not too much. It is so embarrassingly not too much that he gets hard and horny enough to rub up against Ilya and feels him laugh delightedly. When Shane sees a good spot up ahead he grins. “Hey! Pull over up there!”

Ilya glances back, confused, but does as he’s told. “Are you—”

Shane has his helmet off almost before they’ve stopped, sliding off the back of the bike and walking backwards towards the trees. His hands are already undoing the button and zip of his shorts.

they're both posting photos from their wedding day ofc. shane's post is a photo of their intertwined fingers, wedding bands pressed together -- shane's on his left and ilya's on his right hand as is russian orthodox tradition. the caption simply reads "Я тебя люблю" and that's it. tasteful and respectful. ilya's post is several pictures and a little more... well, more. he's posting a photo of them kissing at the ceremony first, ilya's hands buried in shane's hair and holding him close, their mouths locked together in a kiss that was probably too intense for the crowd of guests. the second photo in ilya's post is the wedding band photo and then the third is shane and ilya stood between yuna and david. so first three images are good but it goes downhill from there. the fourth image is an obviously drunk shane photo taken on a smartphone 0.5 lense and his face flushed and a silly smile on his face. the fifth image in boodram doing a handstand in the foreground and ilya chugging a bottle of moet and chandon in the background. the sixth image is ilya with his arm slung around a very pissed off looking hayden pike who is staring off into the distance with a scowl on his face and red ears and ilya is obviously midsentence. the seventh picture is a blurry photo -- courtesy of sveta -- of ilya in shane's lap on the grass and tugging on shane's cheeks cooing about his freckles. the eigth photo is a photo of shane curled up on the patio beside anya and giving her a cuddle as he naps, flushed and rumpled and obviously wiped out cold. and the ninth photo is shane the next morning at their kitchen island with sunglasses on and a frown and his wedding tux still kinda half on his body and his hair a mess and a very obvious bruise the shape of a mouth peeking out from the collar of his shirt. his caption reads "second best player (shane hollander) and best player in the league (ilya rozanov) got gay married!"

the honeymoon photos are tame in comparison. ilya got a talking to from their agent about image and branding and what would be best moving forward given the scandal of their outting whatever whatever. people want some sort of wholesome straight relationship vibe from them and ilya is rolling his eyes because 'whatever the fuck that means' but he's posting some borderline saucy photos anyway. fuck it. he's on honeymoon and his husband is hot. so he's posting a series of photos at the end of the trip, waiting in the airport for their connecting flight. the first is shane shirtless on a lounge chair by the pool, glasses on, reading a book looking stupid hot in ilya's opinion. the second is a selfie of ilya in the pool with shane is the background, still reading, and ilya grinning wide in the foreground. the third is a selfie of the two of them from a hike they took around the island one day with the sunset behind them and the two of them sweaty and flushed from the exercise. the fourth is a mirror selfie, ilya stood behind shane holding the phone, an arm wrapped around shane's waist, his head tilted so he is kissing shane's cheek. they are dressed to go to the club and shane isn't looking at the camera but at ilya's reflection and he is smiling fondly and the internet is dying bc his shirt is mesh and they can see his nips. the fifth picture is a photo of a massive plate of breakfast food from the hotel buffet. the sixth picture is ilya lying face down in the pool pretending to be dead. the seventh picture is another mirror selfie with ilya in the foreground doing his best blue steel shirtless in a pair of low hanging sweats and shane is on the bed in the background, also shirtless and in sweats with his hair all rumpled and his mouth all swollen and he's got the room service menu in his lap and the phone to his ear ordering. that picture sends everyone into a tailspin bc it is obviously a post-fuck selfie. the eigth photo is a photo of ilya with a drag queen in an ibiza nightclub. the drag queen is flexing her biceps and so is ilya and ilya looks totally wasted and also totally chuffed. the ninth photo is a screenshot of a facetime call between shaneilya and anya back home. and the tenth and final image is shane asleep at the airport, headphones on, hair a mess, mouth open and obviously snoring as he sleeps on ilya's shoulder. the caption is "honeymoon with the hubby 🤵🏻🥵🏖️❤️‍🔥" and shane says "ew no don't call me hubby". shane posts about their honeymoon too. the selfie of them on their hike, a photo of ilya in the waves at the beach all shirtless and tanned and big smiles and glistening abs, and then a photo of ilya asleep in the airport with his neck stretched way too far back over the back of a chair waiting for their flight to ibiza. his caption simply says "honeymoon".

not a post by ilya or shane but one by the cens introducing shane. a photo of shane in a cens cap and tshirt looking serious down the barrell of the camera. caption reads "welcome three-time stanley cup winner, rookie of the year, 2time mvp, olympic silver medalist (etc etc...) shane hollander to the centaurs!" and ilya is commenting "you forgot cosmopolitan's sexiest man in the nhl 2016 and 2017" and a fan is replying "dude what?" and ilya is responding "i married hottest man in league. i will not let anyone diminish this acomplishment".

as the season goes on and things continue to be weird in the media re the idea that shane threw the last playoff series in ilya's favour ilya is posting the photo of their CCM shoot and writing in the caption "since the summer before" and everyone is freaking the fuck out over what that means but ilya says nothing until farah is making him edit the caption. he leaves the photo up but removes the caption. when people ask about it after games and what it means ilya is just shrugging and saying "i have known hollander long time, yes? that's all i am saying". it's his one little way of biting back at people accusing them of throwing games for one another without getting into the timeline of them.

shane, tired of people questioning 'why rozanov?' or implying the question 'why rozanov?' has taken to posting sporadic images of ilya being the man he loves. so there's a recording of ilya talking very seriously to anya as he prepares her a very elaborate dinner full of chicken livers and bone broth and organic freezedried beef and egg yolks etc. ilya talking to anya saying "is important that you grow big and strong and live for long time, дорогой". then there's a post of ilya sitting in the airport with luca asleep on one shoulder and young asleep on the other. there's a post of ilya sitting at the dinning table with david and doing a puzzle. there's a photo of ilya coming off the ice after scoring a hat trick -- professionally taken at the rink -- and he's grinning wide and his face is sweaty. there's a post of ilya at the farmer's market with yuna, holding her grocery bags as she holds organic soaps to his nose and makes him sniff them. there's a photo of ilya asleep on the couch with anya asleep on his chest. there's a photo of ilya playing mario kart with the pikelets and a post of him playing mario kart at the children's hospital. there's a post of ilya wearing a children's plastic crown and drinking imaginary tea out of a princess tiana tea cup with amber pike beside him and a crowd of bears surrounding them with tea cups set in front of them and tiaras on their heads. there's a post of ilya in ibiza doing shots with a drag queen and a man dressed in leather and a hot woman in a bikini. there's a post of ilya at the gym, towel around his shoulders, sweaty and flexing and grinning past the camera obviously at shane. over the course of their first year of marriage shane posts a dozen photos of ilya with no caption and no explanation. a silent protest against people suggesting ilya rozanov is not good enough for shane hollander.

yuna is posting a bunch of secret photos she took of hollanov over the years. the two of them by the firepit at her and david's cottage, sitting close together with ilya's thigh slung over shane's knee and their hands intertwined in shane's lap. a photo of shane and ilya conked out on the couch, shane beneath ilya, ilya with his head underneath shane's sweater and curled on top of shane. a video of shane and ilya chasing each other and wrestling in the grass at shane's cottage -- the audio a bunch of laughter and chirping and bleeping that yuna carefully edited in. a photo of ilya asleep on the hollander's couch in ottawa wrapped in a blanket and with his cheek squished and his hair messy. a photo of shane and ilya on the dock at the cottage, ilya has shane is a headlock and is giving him a noogie. a photo from shane and ilya's wedding of shane and ilya slow dancing and staring at each other looking stupid in love. a photo of shane and ilya with anya in the backyard playing fetch. a photo of shane smiling at his phone dopily with the caption 'the ilya is calling smile' and that one goes viral. she is simultaneously helping their 'wholesome' couple image that her and farah agreed would be the best pr strategy for her boys going forward -- mkaing them as sexless as possible really to avoid people's discomfort -- but also enjoying getting to post her boys.

boodram is posting photos from team bbqs and team gatherings and people are playing 'spot hollanov making out' with all the photos. the first time someone spots it is blurry. in the background of a photo of zane with his wife someone draws a circle around two figures pressed tight together by the firepit -- it's obviously shane in ilya's lap on the grass by the bonfire and they're clearly kissing. after that people start stalking all the cens photos for potential hollanov making out in the background. one time they think they've caught hollanov but its actually harris and troy. but they find plenty. a group photo of hazy with holmberg and young and haas at Monks and there's shane and ilya in the booth behind them kissing, shane's hand on ilya's face and hiding their mouths but they are obviously kissing. a photo of dillon and dykstra at a team pool party and shane and ilya are in the distance wrapped up in each other pressing their laughing faces together and clearly ignoring everything around them. after about three incidents of being caught making out in the background the cens start double checking their posts before uploading and making sure the husbands are okay with it if they can be seen in the background. sometimes they ask to be cropped out. other times they aren't bothered. usually whatever they are doing is pretty tame and only lasted about one or two seconds anyway. they are not PDAing to the extreme. when zane -- or one of the others -- get asked about the 'excessive' PDA of their captain and his husband they are saying "no, they are not excessive. not any more excessive than me and my missus. in fact, they are usually a lot more aware of how they behave in public than me and cassie ever were when we were newlyweds".

And Luca and the other rookies being like, oh you mean the Dad-Trifecta? it's the best thing that has ever happened to us.

You loose your skates or you need help with paperwork or you're just feeling kinda sad and need a dad hug - you go Bood. he will grill you some chicken and go speak to Coach for you. You call him or Cassie if you're sick and they will pick you up and deposit you on the floor with Milo and you are their baby now. I'm 23 years old but that's my dad tho

If you're having trouble with other players, or if you're in like, a crisis? Mama Bear Ilya, will 100% get arrested for any of us and/or pick you up from the middle of nowhere any time of night. You wanna ragebait other players? He has the perception of a God and can tell from one look when a players second wife will leave him. He can also tell when you're feeling like shit mentally and he will pick you up take you to Harris farm and make you dog walk with him while throwing sweets at you. Holmberg got high sticked the other week Ilya spent like, 2 hours going through the guys Instagram with us while wine drunk and ripping his entire life to pieces with us.

Shane is handing Ilya something. It looks like? a pair of shoes?

“Here,” Shane places the slipper things into ilya’s hands.

“What are these?” Ilya asks.

“Water shoes.”

“Why do I wear shoes in the water?”

“Because otherwise your feet will get muddy and sandy and touch rocks and seaweed and gross stuff,” Shane explains.

“So? I will just wash them. After.”

“But it feels yucky? On your toes?”

“I will be okay Hollander.” He hands the shoes back to him.

Shane looks extremely wary. “But what if you get a scratch on your foot from a rock or a zebra mussel?”

“Oh no, not a scratch,” Ilya says, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Shane makes his ‘disgruntled frown’ face, which of course makes Ilya’s heart go all mushy.

“Fine. I will wear the shoes. Give.”

Shane looks at him like he suspects Ilya is about to chuck the shoes into the lake, never to be seen again.

“Shane, moya lyubov,” Ilya tries. “I am going to wear these stupid water shoes for you so I do not get cuts. Give them to me.”

Shane gets this soft look in his eyes. “What does that mean? Moya Loo-Bof”

He butchers the pronunciation, but Ilya knows what he means. He didn’t necessarily mean for Russian the term of endearment to slip out, but it did, naturally. His entire face blushes red.

“My love,” he mumbles, scared, even after their confessions last night, that he’s spooked shane off.