helpless

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Making the most of our time together before @diyaandersonsmythe has to leave us again. Hope everyone’s holidays were as special as ours! 

They don’t have sweaters, dummy, they have fur coats. Why don’t you come with me and Sam? We’re gonna try to get the mayor to let us visit! You can ask him all the questions you want. Um, if you can find a way to translate his barks. 

You calling me a dummy is surreal experience. The only thing that might op it is going with you and Sam on a roadtrip to Alabama. 

What if I send my dogs in my place. They could take a vacation out there and my husband can pay more attention to me instead, ahem @bdandersmythe​

I just saw that Thor thing… Can’t say i really understand the appeal. 

Sebastian looked really troubled now. He was now just wanting to do whatever it took to wipe off the look on his husband’s face.  “Yes, yes, I get that you don’t need it.  But you really want it, I can tell by the look on your face.  You’re the one looking guilty for something you want.”  His chest was seizing a little and he looked away, realizing that he had given a million different reasons to Blaine to never approach him again after their first and last conversation about this, when Jared was a baby.  He never held back his disdain for the annoying aspects of parenting, and the hard parts.  He had often said that while he loved his kids, he hated parenting.  He looked back at Blaine bravely.  “I want you to have everything you want.  If you want…”  he swallowed as he recalled it all, “the diapers and the nap times, and the bottles…then let’s do it.  I want you to have it all, Killer.  I’ll be fine.  You know me, I come around.  I even walk the beasts on occasion,” he said with a small smile.  “I just want you to have everything.”

Blaine stared at the amazing man in front of him - his husband, who only ever wanted him to be happy, and asked for very little in return. Well, okay, that wasn’t entirely true, but the big stuff, at least, had been mostly Blaine. He’d figured that after Jared, Sebastian had been done. He’d pretty much made that clear to him. He shifted from his seat to the armchair, folding into his husband’s lap and running his palm over his cheek, because all he wanted to do was be close to him right now. “Bas... I just don’t want you to do something just because I want it. This is a huge decision.” He chuckled, though, thinking about Sebastian with the dogs. “Please, you barely leave them alone.” 

Sebastian hadn’t even been meaning to try to cheer up Blaine with the mention of their first meeting, but he felt relief when he saw Blaine smile.  Outside of polite smiles of greetings to all of their guests, he it seemed like the first he had seen on his fiance’ in some time.  He smiled back and then chuckled at his next thought.  “Hah.  Confidence and bravado,” he said, moving forward, retracing steps from the past, almost working on muscle memory. “I remember maneuvering along the side, not wanting to freak you out by going after you straight on, and wanting to make it to you before I had to be back in step with everyone again.”  He came up to Blaine and took one hand.  “I wanted to do this,” he said, kissing it, “And more…but I didn’t want to scare you off.”

Blaine's eyes flickered to Sebastian's, something pleasant bubbling in his stomach and his cheeks burning slightly when he pressed his lips to his hand. He almost felt like that kid (bashful schoolboy, as Sebastian had put it) who stood in this room, watching his future fiance - future husband, because this wedding would happen even if he had to put the entire thing together from scratch himself - perform in front of him. “You just came up to me and took my hand. It was...” New. Wonderful. Guilt-inducing. Yet he couldn’t find it in him to feel the latter anymore. Attraction and acting on it, he’d learned since, were different things entirely. “You were a shameless flirt from the start, and I ate it up way more than I should have.” 

Sebastian looked up at Blaine, so worried about him - he hated it when Blaine looked like that.  “Wait, babe, stop.  You…I…me wanting to give you what you want, that’s not guilt.  That’s just…that’s all I ever want to do,” he said, pulling Blaine’s hands into his own.  “I love you, I want to give you everything, that’s the deal. I just…I wish you had said something sooner, I feel like an idiot for not knowing all this time.”

Blaine ducked his head, squeezing Sebastian’s hands in his own. “It’s not your fault.” He hated that Sebastian blamed himself for his own reluctance to say anything. Having a child hadn’t been a do or die deal for him - it was something he could live without, and he wanted to avoid Sebastian having to go through telling him no. “I know. I love you too. I just...” He paused for a few seconds, trying to gather his thoughts and form them into words. “It’s not that I’ve been pining for a baby the entire time, Bas. I just... I wanted another one. It’s who I am. I didn’t... want you to think that a baby was something I needed to be happy. It’s not. I have you, and I have Diya and Jared. And I guess... I just figured that that part of our lives was over. And I was okay with that. I want a baby - but I don’t need a baby.” 

“Exactly,” Sebastian replied automatically though he wished he believed it more.  But before he could help them regroup more, he realized they really needed to turn on some lights.  Sebastian left Blaine standing forlornly by one of the sofa near the door.  “Let me find the lights…” he said, looking near the doors they had come in, still open and letting in the light from the hallway.  There was a number of switches, but nothing worked - there must be a central switch that must first be flipped.  He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised that some rewiring might have happened in the 10 years since he graduated.  In spite of its reverence for tradition, Dalton always kept their facilities state of the art.  

He felt too rushed to figure it out though, so instead he just strode quickly to the floor to ceiling windows across the large room. It struck him that he and Blaine actually hadn’t been inside Dalton together since…they had sing “My Dark Side together” their senior year.  When they had first begun their friendship they had always met up at the Lima Bean or Blaine’s house, and Sebastian had to miss their 5 year reunion for work, Blaine missed their 10 year for performances.     When he reached the windows, he pushed aside the heavy drapes and the outdoor lights let in some more light, though it was still limited, given the rain.  But it was definitely better.  He turned, relieved, and saw his fiance’ standing near the door, and a memory came flooding back.  

“You were standing right there when I first laid eyes on you,” he said without thinking.  “You were so much more beautiful than the videos and  photos they had shown me of you.”

Blaine hadn't really bothered to check for lighting, far too wrapped up in his own mind, trying to catch his racing thoughts in the hope that he'd manage to pluck out a solution somehow. Unable to keep himself still, he paced the floor, stopping in his tracks when Sebastian drew open the drapes and letting out a slow, unsteady breath. He needed to calm down.

He hadn’t even noticed the spot he was standing in, but he let out a breath of laughter at the realisation. He was right at the doorway, where he’d lingered to watch the Warblers perform Uptown Girl. He remembered it clearly. 

“God, you were so cocky,” he teased quietly, all too willing to forget the mess to revel in memories even just for a minute. His lips pressed together in a small smile - not quite bursting with joy, but the nostalgia did manage to lift his heart just a little bit momentarily. “I was... drawn to you straight away. You just... oozed confidence.” Confidence that Blaine had lost in himself at the time. Maybe that was why. 

Sebastian walked into the kitchen from the garage, putting his messenger bag on the kitchen island absentmindedly, not noticing that he had bumped the newspaper and a pile of mail into the small sink in the process.  He walked into the living room and sat down in his big leather chair, running his hands through his hair and taking a deep breath.  He realized that he didn’t even know if he had seen Blaine’s car in the garage.  “Blaine?!?” he called.

Hearing Sebastian call out his name, he put his pen down, chair scraping back from his desk, and made his way through the house, before he found his husband in the living room, and the sight made his heart clench in his chest. He’d been right to put off getting his hopes up. This is exactly why they couldn’t have this talk over text. Blaine needed to see him to believe he was okay with this.

Which... it didn’t seem like he was.

He cleared his throat nervously, making his way over to his husband and sitting on the chair across from him, surveying his expression carefully. “Bas, we really don’t have to do this.” They could just continue to live their lives as it is. “The last thing I wanted to do was guilt you into having another kid.” 

Sebastian paused, and it occurred to him that he had no idea if he was okay. The last several days, weeks, months has been such a blur. “Of course,” he fibbed, trying to sound sure as he turned Blaine and guided them down the impressive main hallway of Dalton. “Tina will find a decent band, I’ll buy us new rings if we have to…Sam will show up if I have to pump him with electrolytes or whatever…and…we can do the ceremony indoors if we have to…” Hearing it all together, did sound kind of bad… Sebastian decided to ignore the flip his stomach.  He swallowed a bit thickly and realized he didn’t even know where he was taking them or why. To sit down, of course, to keep calming Blaine down, he thought urgently.  They passed the locked up coffee cart but the seating next too it looked too uncomfortable for Blaine in this state. Not far from there he spotted the entrance to the Senior Commons, which hopefully was still full of leather sofas.  His arm still tight around Blaine, he walked them towards the large double doors. “Everything is going to be fine.”

Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat as Sebastian began to list off every little miracle that they had to pull off to get this thing back on track. It almost made him want to turn tail and run - hide forever so that he didn’t need to see his dream wedding crash and burn. But then there was Sebastian... and they’d been through the ringer already. He didn’t want to spend another day of his life not being married to the man. 

He just nodded, though, because it was all he could do. He couldn’t bare to talk about how unconvinced he was that this whole thing wasn’t going to be a disaster. Not to Sebastian. He hardly wanted to admit it to himself, so all he could do was cling to the feeble hope that they really would pull this through. 

He leaned against Sebastian as the taller led them through the familiar halls, something in his chest settling as they walked through the double doors. Letting out a slow breath, he made towards one of the sofas - god, it had barely changed from the last time they’d been in here together - and he sunk down, running shaking hands through his curls. 

“Yeah, we’re-- we’re gonna be married soon. That’s all that matters, right? Everything else is just... detail.” Detail that he’d been carefully planning for the better part of the year that was crumbling before his eyes, but that was beside the point entirely.