I knew your favorite color and your hatred for your dad but I could never quite put my finger on what your 3 am thoughts were or why you were always drowning in scrambled thoughts and mixed feelings but here I am now with tingling limbs writing half drunken poetry on a school night and moving on to other boys can’t make me forget about you and shots of vodka that makes me gag can’t make my heart beat at a normal pace or sleep better at night but what I do know is when you break all those promises you couldn’t have possibly loved me as much as your midnight text messages and brilliant midday kisses expressed. Because you were the first person to touch me the way you did but you most certainly won’t be the last and the constant want to be with you forever is gone I don’t ever want to see your fucking face And I thought loving you was all I needed but it turns out you’re not half as wonderful as I made you out to be but at least now I know to not make anyone ever that important to me because giving you the power to make or break me with one sentence was the worst mistake I’ve ever made.

Dear future child If it’s 3am and you find yourself in a world of complete despair Please do not turn to strangers on the internet for solace as I did Please climb onto my bed And I will hold you until the demons sleep If it is Thursday morning and you are too sad to move I won’t force you I will buy ice cream and we will watch your favourite tv show and I will remind you of your importance If you feel as if you have no purpose I will remind you that you were created entirely with love and every pain you feel, I feel too When you’re sure you can’t go on anymore I will tell you that when I was 21 I searched for peace at the bottom of a vodka bottle chased by a bottle of pain killers But that five years later When you were placed in my arms in the delivery room I realised that you were why I had been holding on Without realising it, you saved me, do you know how amazing that is? So if you ever feel like grabbing that vodka bottle, put it down, we will get in the car and I will drive until the sky turns magenta I will show you how the sun rises every morning to encourage you to rise too Sweetheart I refuse to be unaware of your sufferings As my mother was to mine.