How the Shichibukai Meeting went to Hell
(part 1 of a future, hypotetical, longer fanfic)
Admiral Sengoku was a man of few words. Thatās why there was only one thing he cared to say before bringing himself to open the door of the meeting room. These words are: Ā«I deserve a raise for this shitĀ».
Sengoku the Buddha, indeed.
Overseeing the Warlords' meetings everytime the Navy HQ had the brilliant idea of summoning them should be considered a strenuous job and as such deserving of the aforementioned raise.
It could only be compared to babysitting a bunch of overpowered hellspawn brats and being kicked in the balls at the same time. And that's only after lowering one's dignity to the point of considering the attendance of two mercenaries out of seven a success.
Sengoku took a long calming breath, staring at the door like it personally offended him: he could already hear screams and clear signs of property damage from the other side of it.
That wasn't the future he had envisioned when he was a cadet dreaming of becoming an Admiral.
Trying not to lose his proverbial composure, he entered the meeting room. Tsuru's understanding gaze gave him courage and hope. He valued her trustworthiness and strategic mindset, but the real reason behind his newfound hope was that she was the only one in the present company who could and would tame a hellion like Doflamingo if the need arose (and it often did). Scratch that, she and Hawkeyes, but the day he'll bother to show up at one of these MANDATORY meetings will be the day Sengoku's finally going to retire for good.
Unfortunately, today won't be that day because there were only three Warlords in the room: Sir Crocodile, the pirate empress Boa Hancock and that demon Doflamingo (damn him, why couldn't some celestial goat ever fall on his head from the clouds before one of these stupid meetings?).
They seemed to be this close to turn from screaming to devil-fruit-beating each other, unaware (or just uncaring) of the pletora of terrified and/or amused gazes on them. Tsuru's mischievous look belonging to the latter.
She even betted on the winner of that childish squabble. That traitor.
Sengoku sighed for the umpteenth time and cursed the day he let himself be persuaded to allow Doflamingo to sit next to Crocodile. It was a terrible idea and it needed an immediate rectification even if the thought made him feel like he had suddenly become a school teacher in the need of separating two misbehaving students.
The difference, he was reminded by a very high-pitched string of curses, was that these imbeciles were Warlords. Shame of society and overpowered brats, yes, but unfortunately still the best pirate assets the Marines have.
How the Mighty have fallen.
Today's topic of disagreement between the three was, apparently, a variation of the classic "who's really in charge of the Shichibukai between us" argument.
Ā«I'm in charge here, of course! Number one - Crocodile actually lifted a finger to demonstrate his point - I'm the oldest and number two, I'm a Sir while you two are just overconfident bratsĀ» Crocodile levelled both of them with a judgemental stare, taking another exhale from his cigar. There was only one member of this group of nutjobs he was surrounded by that he respected. And that man wasnāt here and probably never would be if he had his way.
Ā«Sir? -Boa snorted - I'm the Pirate Empress! And I'm undoubtedly the most beautiful one!Ā»
Ā«Fufufu! Your petty titles are so lame! It's adorable how proud both of you seem to be of them!Ā» their claims were ridiculous. He was a Celestial Dragon for fuck's sake! Practically a God, with blue blood and all, compared to them.
The oversized flamingo stared at Boa behind his sunglasses and grinned.
Ā Ā«Besides, for all your hatred for men in general, I think it irks you a little that your precious power doesn't work on usĀ»
Ā Ā«Bold claim for a stupid birdĀ» Crocodile tried to hide his smirk feigning a cough, but it wasāt very convincing.
Ā«What the fuck are you talking about?!Ā» Boa was fuming - literally fuming from sheer indignation- and reached over the table to take the pink-feathered man by the collar of his Hawaiian shirt and remind him of his place in the food chain. Unfortunately for her blood pressure, his grin didn't change.
Ā«Try to say that again when you'll be a stupid block of feathered rock, you bastard!Ā»
To the Marines' great horror, Boa actually summoned her love bow and shooted its arrows aiming straight at the smug face of Doflamingo. She really wanted to wipe that obnoxious grin from his face: he couldn't get on her nerves if he turned to stone, or at least she hoped so.
When the cloud of dust dissipated, everyone could see that half of the marines had been turned to stone, but that infuriating (now very smug) smirk was still there. To add unnecessary salt to the injury, Crocodile hadn't turned to stone, either. Just like the flamboyant cretin had predicted.
Sengoku took a look at the state of the room and his subordinates and, not for the first time that afternoon, thought:
Ā«I hate your life too, if it makes you feel betterĀ»
Apparently he had said that thought out loud because Crocodile had answered without even looking up from the terminal he was using to remind his subordinate to feed his dog. Never let it be said that Sir Crocodile isn't a multitasking man. The Baroque Works won't administer itself, after all.
Ā«How- ho-how in Davy Jones's stinking locker did you do it?!Ā»
Boa.exe stopped working from sheer indignation. She had never met men who were immune to her technique beside blind men and her beloved Luffy (she blushed at the memory and Crocodile scoffed). So how had the damn idiot and that reptile managed not to be turned to stone?!
Ā«Oh, don't give yourself an aneurysm trying to work out why and why not. It's quite simple. You cannot be the most beautiful person in the room if I am right here! Fufufu, so it can't work on meĀ» Doflamingo almost fell from his perch on that toy chair the Marines gave him at the look on the empress's face and then added just to rile both his colleagues up: Ā«And Croco-boy here knows I'm right, that's why it didn't work on him eitherĀ» his grin had gotten huge at this point. Ā«Or he isnāt as straight as he wants us to believeĀ»
Crocodile didnāt even deign him of an answer but only rolled his eyes in annoyance.
Ā«Why is it that every time I bother to come all this way from Kuraigana Island for a supposedly important meeting everything I hear is just petty arguments?Ā» the unmistakable eyes of the newcomer conveyed all his judgement at the childish display.
Everyone stilled at that voice so rarely heard in this room, like misbehaving children caught doing something they shouldnāt have done by their stern parent.
Dracule Mihawk had actually come to the meeting for what was maybe the first time in the world's history.
Sengoku felt the sudden urge to cry.
āMy resignation letter! At last! East Blue wait for me!!ā he thought, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye.
However, Crocodile hadnāt let himself be distracted by the situation and had tipped Doflamingo's chair with a silent snap of his hook under the table to make him lose his balance so he could kick him away in a blatant (at least to normal people) hint for Hawkeyes to sit between him and Doflamingo. There was no way he would keep suffering the pink-clad manās presence any longer and especially no way he would keep doing it alone. If he had to suffer, then the elusive overpowered bird should too. It was only right in Crocodile's unbiased opinion.
Fortunately, Mihawk caught the not-so-subtle hint and sat between the two madmen who called themselves his friends. Doflamingo took offence at Crocodile for the way he had literally kicked him out of his chair but then he immediately calmed down thinking of all the ways he could pester both of them now.
āOh, this meeting will be funnyā he thought, perching himself on another chair. His grin sent shivers of undiluted terror down the backs of several marines.
Sengoku really regretted not having allowed Akainu to lead this meeting, but then he comforted himself remembering the new record this day represented for his reputation as the Warlordsā minder: Kuma, Jimbe and Moria entered the room at last, so now all the Seven Warlords were here.
But the universe hated him apparently because Boa Hancock was still glaring daggers at Doflamingoās sunglasses, so his good mood couldnāt last long. In fact, a few moments later ā¦
Ā«Just because both you and the reptilian kingpin seem to be immune to my beauty ā her eyebrow nearly twitched at that- it doesnāt mean that it doesnāt work on the others!Ā» she screeched, remembering the pink manās previous claim of the whole group being immune to her love arrows.
āWhy did she have to remember that idiotās words now that things could finally start going according to the plan?ā thought Sengoku, meeting Tsuruās equally exasperated gaze across the table.
Ā«Try again then, now that everyone is here. Letās see if Iām right or notĀ» was Doflamingoās smug challenge. Everyone scoffed. Now, her eyebrow definitely twitched.
Ā«Boa Hancock, you are an intellingent woman. Do not squander that by lowering yourself at the level of this imbecileās wordsĀ»
Hancock lowered the bow she had summoned at Hawkeyesās reproachful tone. She was now ashamed to admit she did indeed raise to Doflamingoās blatant bait, ready to show everyone how wrong that peacock was to doubt the power of her beauty.
The aforementioned peacock lost his grin at seeing his fun ruined, but then he turned toward the culprit and boldly put an arm around the swordmanās shoulders. Men had been gutted for much less by the swordman and Doflamingo knew it.
He received a terrifying glare for his audacity, but the grip he had on the other's shoulder didnāt lessen.
Ā«Whatās the matter, Hawksy? Why did you stop Hancock-chan here?- now the glares digging holes at his head were two - Afraid that we would start thinking of you as a man capable of sexual thoughts if you hadnāt? Donāt worry, we all know the only woman in your life is Yoruā¦Ehi!Ā» he barely had time to complete his sentence before he had to save his sorry ass dodging the dagger the swordman had aimed at his head.
Ā«I just wanted to prevent her from making a fool of herself for your entertainment. And, if you must know, I don't care nearly enough about humankind for thatĀ» Mihawk said, rolling his eyes at the fellow Warlord's antics. Ā«Now, take your arm off my shoulders before I remove it for youĀ»
From the place at the other side of the swordman, Crocodile didnāt exactly burst out laughing at the hurt look on Doflamingoās face - because he had too much style for that - but it came close. Really close.
Mihawk regretted having forfeited his usual spot at the head of the table (the furthest place from Doflamingo) in order to acquiesce to Crocodileās request. He blamed Crocodile for that. And Sengoku, because an Admiral and a bunch of vice-admirals shouldnāt need him to babysit those idiots of his collegues. They should be able to do the job themselves if they wanted to be taken seriously as one of the three reigning powers.
So he turned the full power of his disappointment on Sengoku by fixing his unblinking eyes straight on his face.
Ā«Was there a real reason why you wasted my afternoon with this pointless summon or can I leave?Ā» he said without preamble as usual, voicing the thoughts of almost every person in the room.
When he didnāt hear any answer because the Fleet Admiral was busy saving the life of some nameless marine tangled in the proverbial web of Doflamingoās strings, Mihawk finally declared the meeting a waste of his time. So, he put his feet on the table (to Crocodileās horror) and lowered his hat over his face to shield his eyes from the roomās lights.
A nap would surely be a more productive way to spend his afternoon than whatever this circus is going to be. If they actually had someone they needed him to kill they could say that to him later. He didnāt care anyway.
Sengoku had finally managed to save that poor manās life when he saw that the swordman had decided to take his nap right there in the meeting room.
At that last slap to his pride, Sengoku the Buddha finally snapped.
Ā«I had summoned you bunch of pirate scum to discuss the details of an hypotetical attack against the emperor Red-haired Shanks, not to sleep or try to kill my men!Ā» he screamed and oh how freeing that feeling was.
A disturbing silence fell in the room, only broken by Doflamingoās obnoxious laughter and the sound of Mihawkās hat falling to the ground.
Then, something threatened to shatter the Admiralās newfound enthusiasm: a surprisingly high-pitched shout from Moria.
Ā«What?! Have you finally gone senile in your old age, Admiral?!Ā»
Ā«Very well, given that nobody has voiced any objection to the idea, our plan is this ā¦ Ā»
