Just Me And A Bassoon

My theory professor (via thingsmymusicprofessorssay)

The ass, ox, and simpleton…

Updated: Ba[da]ssoon

Okay, since I havent really seen anybody mention this on Tumblr, this is Stevens Story. Steven Sutton is a 19 year old who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. In the last moments of his life, he is trying to raise money for the Teenage Cancer Trust. He has trouble getting out of bed and breathing and yet he still manages to be so positive about the whole thing. With the first picture, he posted a tweet thanking everyone for their support, and it got him a lot of News and Media coverage in the UK. As you can see, he even has celebrity support from people like David Tennant and Benedict Cumberbatch.

"Bassoon music is easy"

"You guys never have to practice"

"Oh god your parts are so boring"

"Do you even know what an eighth note is"

I’m sorry. WHAT

DID

YOU

SAY

States are passing laws allowing guns in public schools.

Women are losing their reproductive rights at an increasingly alarming rate.

Riots are tearing through the streets in cities all over the world.

College tuition keeps rising, sending a generation into debt as soon as they are entering the adult world.

Education funds keep getting slashed.

Privacy no longer exists. 

Corporations now have the same rights as people, and the funds to actually protect them. 

Through loopholes, many U.S. Corporations pay a lower tax rate than middle class families.

States are now passing more voter ID laws and similar laws that only affect the lower class.

The corporate giant, Monsanto, has pretty much purchased and bribed its way into every grocery product on the shelf, resulting in food becoming less and less like, well, food. There are reasons Cancer rates are getting worse. 

Likewise, Monsanto is making sure small American farmers are ran out of business. Also, their constant pesticide use is killing bees and other insects, causing dire environmental issues.

The mass media is more concerned with pop culture and trends, than the real issues the world is facing.

Human population is ever growing, and at rapid rates. It can’t just continue this way.

I mean, seriously, I have been trying to tell everyone, BUT NO ONE IS EVEN REBLOGGING THE ARTICLES THAT COULD SAVE A LIFE

While all this is happening, the Pacific Ocean is being contaminated by not just trash, but Radiation.

There was a leak in the Fukushima power plant that has now poisoned the entire Pacific Ocean.

Some think that oh, maybe it will go away with time. Sure, it will, in about 16 million years. Yes, you read that right. Due to the long half life of iodine-129, the whole ecosystem of the Pacific Coast will be contaminated pretty much forever.

Here is the radiation levels in the ocean.

Everyone needs to wake up.

The government needs to be set straight. They were hiding this information so that people don’t panic. Well, now everyone’s gonna die and not know why.

Shit is going down, and we need to make sure EVERYONE knows EVERYTHING that is happening in this place we call home.

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.