I wanna nap

every once in a while you need to eat something yummy. or go on a walk. or a trip to the zoo. take a hot shower. cry your eyes out. dance. listen to music. draw for way to long. write. laugh. sit in a cafe with a friend. paint your nails. dye your hair. go on a run. pet a cat

sometimes you need to do things that are cathartic or make yourself feel alive. sometimes you need the reminder of why you’re fighting so hard to stay alive

Everyone weighs their physical and mental/emotional health against one another in constantly shifting balance; inevitably, there are times when we choose to accept consequences to one for the sake of the other.

I want to start by defining “American cheese,” if only because I spent 3 hours on this shit and I think it’s interesting. According to Title 21, Chapter I, Subchapter B, Part 133 (“Cheeses and Related Cheese Products) of the US Government’s Code of Federal Regulations (CFR), Section 169 (nice) says that “Pasteurized process cheese is the food prepared by comminuting and mixing, with the aid of heat, one or more cheeses of the same or two or more varieties…for manufacturing with an emulsifying agent…into a homogeneous plastic mass.” Pasteurized process cheese requires at most 5% by weight milkfat, and that milkfat must be cream, anhydrous milkfat, or dehydrated cream. The CFR specifies that for something to be American cheese, it has to be a blend of cheddar, Colby, curd cheese, or granular cheese, and if you have at least two of those, you can mix in any other variety.

Pasteurized process cheese food in section 173 is the one we’re concerned about – it requires a whopping 23% dairy by weight, but that dairy can come from a much greater variety of sources: “… cream, milk, skim milk, buttermilk, cheese whey, any of the foregoing from which part of the water has been removed, anhydrous milkfat, dehydrated cream, albumin from cheese whey, and skim milk cheese for manufacturing.” (1,2)

Okay, so American cheese is a blended processed cheese made up of a handful of other cheeses that have been mixed with emulsifiers, fat, and flavoring, pasteurized (for >=30s at >= 150 F), and takes the form of a homogenous plastic mass. You can form it into blocks, slice it, or pour it into tubs.

Now, processed cheeses have a history in European cuisine. From an article by Zey Ustunol in the Michigan Dairy Review in April 2009 on Processed Cheese: “Although somewhat uncertain, the origins of processed cheese are thought to date back to Swiss cheese fondue, German Kochkase (cooked cheese), French Cancoillotte or Canquillotte and Welsh Rarebit.” These cheeses are all a blend of cheese and other stuff for flavor. Ustunol says next, “Commercially, the first processed cheese was developed by Walter Gerber and Fritz Stettler in Switzerland in 1911. … The initial intent of this product was to improve shelf-life of cheese shipped to warmer climates.” (3) They did so by mixing Emmentaler with sodium citrate and cooling it into a solid, presumably finding that it was pretty damn good and had the better shelf life they were looking for.

But what about American cheese? James Lewis Kraft (yes, that Kraft) was a second-generation German immigrant to Canada who himself immigrated to the US in 1902. From Ustunol, “The first patent, which was issued to him in 1916, describes melting pieces of Cheddar cheese and stirring it while heating to form a homogenous warm cheese which was then packaged in glass jars or cans.” (3) This process of heating would sterilize the cheese, stopping its flavor from maturing with age. It could also be packaged into little tins and stored on a shelf. This was revolutionary for the average American – refrigeration technology relied on iceboxes. Iceboxes were better than nothing sure, but they couldn’t get cold enough to hold dairy products at a proper temperature and spoilage was common. (4). If you could sell someone a shelf-stable cheese, you could corner the market! And corner the market he did – Kraft’s company sold 6 million pounds of cheese to the US government for GIs to eat during the first world war, and another 6 million pounds for the second. (5, 6).

The emulsification part was patented in 1921 by George Herbert Garstin of the Phoenix Cheese Company, who used sodium phosphate, preventing the cheese fats and solids from separating when heated. Later that year, Kraft patented a 2.3 kg “loaf” of cheese, which was easier to transport and is believed to be responsible for nearly doubling the consumption of processed cheese in the USA during the 1920s. (3)

Now, what about cheeseburgers? Predictably, many people claim that they were the first to invent it. Lionel Sternberger, a fry cook at “The Rite Spot” in Pasadena, CA, claimed to have put cheese on a hamburger in 1924. (7). O’Dells in Los Angeles, CA had a “cheeseburger smothered with chili” on their menu in 1928. (8). In 1938, Gus Belt, the founder of Steak n Shake, tried to trademark “cheeseburger” and “steakburger” in Illinois, but the trademark was rejected because someone else had beaten him to the punch with a registration of “steak-burger” in 1935. (9).

So no, unfortunately, American cheese wasn’t invented to put on burgers. It was invented to feed people without needing to be refrigerated, and honestly I think that’s marvelous. If you're curious, there's a *lot* I didn't cover. Innovations in manufacturing and packaging, the regulations about how it has to be sliced, the differences between "pasteurized process cheese food" and "... spread," or even how the great depression created the ubiquitous blue-boxed mac and cheese.

I don’t have a solid ending to this…oh god I guess it’s an essay. It’s 3:00 PM, I started writing this at about noon, and all this shit has made me hungry. I’m going to go make soft pretzels and melt some Velveeta to dip them in.

Thanks, love you, trans rights are human rights, 😊

Works cited/referenced (I'm pasting links because I'm not an academic and I don't care):

1: https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-21/section-133.169/

2: https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-21/section-133.173/

3: https://www.canr.msu.edu/uploads/234/76591/cheese.pdf

4: https://www.cheesetraveler.com/home/krafft-ing-a-legacy/

5: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/almanac-krafts-processed-cheese/

6: https://indestructiblefood.com/kraft-mac-cheese/

7: https://www.latimes.com/local/la-xpm-2012-jan-16-la-me-burger-claim-20120116-story.html

I did, in fact, make pretzels

i haven't seen anything about this on my dashboard, so i wanted to share. ICE gestapo killed another human being on tuesday. he leaves behind three sons and his wife, who he has spent the last 35 years building a life with

there is a gofundme supported by the league of united latin american citizens set up to help with funeral costs, legal fees, and supporting his family moving forward.

employee (completely blank expression): “No.”

partner (autistic) (socialscript.exe encountered an unhandled exception) : “…Uh. Um. Sorry?”

employee: “We don’t have that.”

partner (wondering if perhaps he put too much of the authentic accent on the word and that’s what’s throwing the guy): “You don’t have…(pronouncing it whiter) carnitas?”

employee (face still unreadable): “No.”

partner (looking at the near-full hotel pan of perfectly normal carnitas in its usual place on the other side of the glass) (noticing this employee looks unfamiliar) (maybe he’s a new guy that just started five minutes ago with no training?) : “The…pork?” (pointing at it)

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (beginning to wonder if he’s the one that’s losing it) (desperately looks to the menu on the wall behind the employee) (the menu lists carnitas as a protein option) (the word “carnitas” is not crossed out or taped over or otherwise adulterated) (carnitas have been on the standard menu since at least 2016) : “Okay. Um. Are you…sure?”

other employee working the toppings part of the line (familiar) (have seen her before) (she has cool earrings): *gives the new guy a strange look, nudges him aside, and scoops the carnitas onto partner’s bowl before continuing with the other toppings*

- the employee keeps very strictly kosher/halal/vegan and refuses to handle pork (understandable, I respect that, but if you’re gonna work at a place that serves pork I do kinda feel like when someone orders it you’ve just gotta tap in a coworker to do it for you)

- someone did something gross to the carnitas and the employee is trying to warn people not to order it (??? throw it out then? also, three weeks in a row???)

partner (well aware of what he’s getting into with this guy now): “Hi. Could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and pork?”

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (demonstrating a level of patience only a public school teacher could have): *points at the pan of carnitas* “Could I please just have some of that?”

employee (after several slow, confused blinks): *points at the same pan* “That’s steak.”

partner (looking at the hotel pan they’re both pointing at) (it is filled with shredded meat of a pale beige color) (at the other end of the row of pans is another pan containing dark brown, lightly charred meat chopped into small pieces): “Okay.” *deciding he’s willing to play in this fantasy space if it gets the job done, he points at the first pan again* Then could I please have the steak?”

employee: *starts to reach for the pan at the other end containing the actual steak*

partner: "Oh—no, sorry, this one please?" *points at the first pan containing the carnitas*

employee: *blinks, then just walks away and starts helping the next customer in line, leaving partner's bowl unfinished*

other employee with cool earrings: *rolls her eyes at new employee, takes partner’s bowl, and fills it with carnitas herself*

new theories:

- the employee is a bridge troll who will only dole out his delectable carnitas to those who prove themselves worthy by correctly answering his riddles three

Me: yeah whatever. I don’t feel shit.

5 minutes later: dude I swear I just saw some steak in the hotel pan

No parts of it extended beyond the lines, and the paper ticket was clearly displayed, impaled on a horn.