tripping balls

Lately I feel I’ve been whining most of the time. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of feeling these things. I feel overwhelmed, insecure, anxious, unloved by some people, and completely forgotten and invisible. I’m used to the place people put me in (or where I tend to put myself) where people come and talk about their problems with me and I listen. It’s not like I feel that I’m a savior or something of the sorts; I don’t actually consider myself that amazing but I’m aware at times I can give some decent advice. Anyways... I’m used to be present... to be there, to always make time even if I’m busy, tired, angry, sad, deflated... but I like being there if I’m needed even for a short amount of time because I want people to be there for me. I’m selfish, I know. I don’t lend my ear without expecting to be heard in the future. I fucking do things because I want to have the same treatment, the same affection and care I try to give. I don’t know. I hate feeling like I don’t matter, like I don’t deserve people’s time. I hate feeling like I’m only there when I’m needed, that I’m only needed when there is no one else. I have many people in my life, but no one is replaceable. I can be really happy with my boyfriend and have no problems with him but completely miserable at the same time if I’m going through some shit with someone dear for me.  I tried to sleep but I’m feeling like shit right now. My head is going around the same thoughts, the same fears, the same sadness and overall discomfort. It’s just the same old... I hate being repetitive. I hate repeating myself, I hate not being clear, I hate feeling like I’m being irrational and unfair but I also hate feeling like my heart is being broken. I’m tired that sometimes I feel people only come to me when they have problems, when they feel depressed, when they need to feel reassured for arguments and negative feelings or when they feel abandoned by other people. Man... I’m glad people find a safe place with me, I’m glad I can be THAT person to my friends... but agh... I feel sad, defeated, lonely, rejected, invisible, and forgotten.  I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything... I try to repeat in my head that whatever is making me feel this way is just without any bad intentions, that I matter, that people care, but this insecurity takes over me, especially when I feel something’s lacking, when I’m starting to miss a routine, a conversation, a way of talking. Sometimes I just want to disappear and have no concerns of any sorts... It’s just so easy to have these terrible thoughts, but I’m tired. Sometimes I just don’t know how to make the words come out, how to understand with clarity why am I feeling this way and which is the best way to control this situation. I try and try but I can never seem to get the right answer. It’s all dark and confusing. It’s vague and scary. I feel like I’m a bad person most of the time... In my head there’s always that question “Am I bad?”... I understand feelings are feelings and it’s not very possible to control them and it’s hard to stop them from taking over... I’m doing my fucking best to be functional but sometimes I just explode and have a lot of things to say. Ugh... I’m just rambling at this point. I should just go to sleep and fucking forget about everything. I care so much... I really do and sometimes I hate myself for caring, for feeling, for everything.