KATY THE MAVERICK

All I needed was a pen.

So I thought until I realized I couldn’t go all through life Having my black ink pen be my only friend.

What I really needed was a voice outside my head. One that others heard too, and maybe we could all chip in.

Share Perspectives and guesses to questions I never thought really interested them.

Then again I never gave it a shot.

Avoided any and all relations because I had it set in my mind no one cared.

Or was it fear?

Was it me who couldn’t connect? As I sat there to recollect, I realized it was me who would reject, handling emotions and situations correct.

Truth stings. And it burns. And it hurts.

So all I had to comfort me was my epiphany. & with that came this new identity, of how I now thought I should be. Giving out what I wanted to receive, apparently honesty, & allegedly clarity, confidentially mentally, composedly emotionally, irreproachably, voluntarily physically ALL OF ME.

Then I found myself addicted to change. & drunk off of rushing things. I was vomiting my life on the table cloth of my 1st dates. And all this was getting me was my soul spread across the state.

The deepest parts of me.

Things I’ve held onto my whole life. They weren’t right, they weren’t light, but they were mine. That’s something you can’t just get up and go buy.

I started feeling less like me and more and more like a toy, just stored on a shelf to wait until the next got bored. This new approach suddenly evoked the presence of a decoy. Now this pain, this hurt of rejection, this loss of self respect and.. Everything I’ve never been able to avoid..

I couldn’t control what they’ve done to me!!!! But I always had a grasp on what I let them see! And how I chose to be! Unmoved, and untouched. Un phased, yet unloved.

Now I was an open book, laid out on the coffee table, hoping someone cared to pick me up. Love the words enough to turn the pages, & let me feel their touch.

Just waiting. Just hoping. Just praying.

Maybe my head is the safest place to be. To keep my mind and heart at ease. To keep me and mine at peace.