X-amining the X-Men Movies!

Hey, you shout, Batman isn’t an X-Men character! He’s not even in the same universe!

No, but he’s from A comic book universe. Listen, there’s a finite number of X-Men movies and I’m not going to retitle this blog so...let’s keep it moving.

I’m going to exploit that poor excuse for a subject change and tell my biggest memory of seeing this film. I went with a high school friend, one of those guys that just never grew out of being a high school kid, and our reactions could not have been more different.

Me: Oh I liked that.

Him: You liked that? That?! What we just watched? That was not a Batman movie. At all!

What followed was an extremely angry trip to Hollywood Video culminating with him tossing a VHS of Batman Returns in my lap and declaring it was “a real Batman movie.” What caused him to be so upset over this, you ask? What caused him such anger and distress over a movie most people agreed was a pretty great if flawed take on Batman? A reboot that boosted the character’s appeal eight years after Batman & Robin had effectively ended it?

The goddamn Batmobile.

To his credit, it’s the weakest redesign in the movie. Against his credit, he also insisted that this was supposed to simply be a prequel to lead into the 1989 Batman. As though WB was REAL eager to remind everyone of the previous franchise. Looking back, its hard to see the movie as anything other than a hard reboot of the entirety of the franchise. I don’t think anyone predicted how much this was going to impact popular culture but, in 2005, comic book movies were only beginning to dominate the movies. X-Men and Spider-Man had opened the door but the majority of comic movies outside of those two franchises were instantly forgettable. And we hadn’t been blessed with Last Stand or Spider-Man 3. While Batman Begins rightly deserves to be remembered as a turning point, it’s by no means perfect. The biggest gripe I remember people having was Katie Holmes, but I’m also very sure that was motivated partly by general mysogyny and mostly Tom Cruise having an extremely public yearlong meltdown. It’s a gift to us all that, in the years since, they have divorced and he has dedicated himself to dying on screen in a Mission Impossible movie.

Working off my own memories, I think Nolan was working off of other blueprints more than the fanboys would like to admit. X-Men and Spider-Man had already trimmed a great deal of fantastical elements in the page-to-screen transfer. The X-Men, as I’ve discussed, went to space every other comic. Sam Raimi, rather than explain how a disturbingly aged teenager built space-age webbing in his garage, just had him fart his webbing out of his wrists. Nolan saw these changes and asked, what elements would have to occur to create a Batman? He doesn’t just display the genesis of a superhero, he shows us the different environmental factors of Gotham that would make a Batman necessary. Poverty, corruption, loss, it helps sell it when we eventually see the Batman on screen that this is a city that’s been used until there’s almost nothing left. The movie shows predators on the ground, as in Carmine Falcone, and up above the city, such as Rutger Hauer’s shady William Earle. It’s a mark that previous Batman movies missed; corruption functions best when it’s coming from both angles.

Looking forward to this one.

Budget: $150 million

First Weekend: $48 million

I grew up a huge music fan, and one thing I heard about time and again was the contract album. That album that was farted out by a band in order to fulfill a contractaul obligation and get them to another, hopefully less parasitic contract. “Cocksucker Blues,” by the Rolling Stones is one of the more famous examples. Van Morrison turned in thirty songs of unlistenable garbage to get out of a contract. It’s a shame that he’s continued to release unlistenable garbage on a new contract, but sometimes that’s how it goes. Dark Phoenix is not unlistenable garbage but it definitely stinks of contractual obligation. And that’s too bad, because this movie takes some risks that a lot of people had been looking for.

This is the only movie that involves weird alien space stuff, and weird alien space stuff has been a cornerstone of the X-Men since the beginning. Like, the X-men are on some next level tinder because half the dating pool for that team involves planets no one has heard of. And I would have rather watched a movie involving the weird dick pics that come through an interstellar Tinder(Sequel? Call me, Nolan.) This movie very directly and rapidly introduces not just the D’Bari, but other alien races and a whole ass magical space-bird. As if that wasn’t ballsy enough, they proceed further to...oh, excuse me. I’m being informed that the movie does shockingly little with any of it.

It’s not just that, it’s that the movie telegraphs a lot of the “big surprises.” The trailer promised a funeral, and it’s not that hard to guess who’s going to die, considering Mystique looks like she had her makeup applied as a Snapchat filter. Maybe I should just be thankful she didn’t get a fifth “Can she be trusted” plotline. Xavier’s arrogance gets called out, and in a better way than in X3(shudder), but it’s not much of a punishment to kick him out in the last movie. It’s the “thoughts and prayers”of the cinematic X-Men. It’s an easy thing to do if there’s not going to be a follow up.

Genosha gets introduced for only one scene and-you know, I’m being harsh on this. I’m going very negative, when this movie actually does something big very well. A lot of things this franchise started with First Class come to fruition. Charles Xavier’s arrogance isn’t hinted at, it’s put on pretty full display. Hank even gets a big yelling scene. Sometimes subtlety isn’t the way to go. Magneto has sequestered himself completely from humanity, just like he’s been trying to since Fassbender took on the role. It makes sense that his next step is to claim a small island and shut himself off. Hell, watch the Genosha portion of the movie and tell me he’s playing cards with any of those extras. His living space looks like his hobby is appearing on FBI watchlists. But the point is it fulfills a character arc. If you listen to the commentary, Kinberg seems well aware of all this. He mentions several times that he wasn’t trying to make The Godfather, he just wanted to put something out that fans would enjoy. And as easy as the jokes would be, I genuinely believe he tried.

But trying doesn’t equal success. This was his first time directing a movie and it shows. A lot gets introduced from the comics but Kinberg hardly innovates anything here. Let’s take the final action setpiece, the big train fight. Not to say the train has been lacking as an action setpiece in films before, but this isn’t even the first train fight in X-Men. If this movie added something new or offered a different take on the idea, I could see it. But it’s just another train fight. People jump on the train, rip it apart, and eventually it crashes. And I don’t accept the argument that the guards being called MCU is a coincidence.

In a lot of ways, I’ve been looking forward to this one.

When I first saw this movie I asked myself, “How do you take the story of a magical space bird made of fire and make it boring?” I think that’s this movie in a nutshell. This movie takes a weird, lovely story and flattens it in a way that is impressive and sad.

I vividly remember going to see this movie with a friend on a stormy summer day, and subsequently dissecting it over strip-mall Mexican food. I make you a promise that even the worst movie goes down easier over a plate of enchiladas. And while that wasn’t my last plate of enchiladas since then, it was my only viewing of Dark Phoenix. And while I don’t remember it being good, it’s far from the worst movie I’ve seen on this journey.

Oh yea, neither is Deadpool 2, but I also couldn’t bear to sit through the whole thing so...Let’s watch some Dark Phoenix y’all.

The biggest problem I have with this movie is how much it compresses itself. I’m looking at my copy of Dark Phoenix Saga right now. It begins with X-Men #129. That’s not the second movie in a rebooted series. That’s the plotline of season four or five. In the comics these are characters we’ve known for years. Neither Tye Sheridan or Sophie Turner made huge impressions with their characters, which is not their fault, they were basically named and then placed before the audience. We know nothing about them and now they are an emotional lynchpin of an entire movie.

Still, it at least stays closer to the story as a whole. It’s a shame that the weird space part of X-men only made it into the last one. Weird X-Men space stuff is an integral part to a lot of lore and it’s usually a fun time. This movie, however, isn’t concerned with having a fun time. It’s not a bad decision at first. Jean is the focal point of this movie and it’s her mood that sets the tone of the movie. Compared to Last Stand, even making Jean a central character is a welcome change. Imagine, making a woman the central character in her own story! Who knows what crazy things we could do next? The sky is the god damn limit!

I don’t know if I’m going to an afterthought blog for this one.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this is a bad movie. I think this accomplishes what all the best sequels do, which is to build on an existing property and add to the lore, as well as telling a new story. We liked the first one and asked for more(not like there was ever any doubt concerning a sequel), and we are given exactly that. Zazie Beetz gives an absolutely phenomenal performance as Domino and Josh Brolin turns in a very grizzled Josh Brolin performance as Cable. Still kinda wish they’d hired Kiera Knightley but whatever.

But I legitimately cannot ignore the fridging.

If you’ve never heard the phrase, “Women in Refrigerators,” I’ll try to give a brief overview. The term was coined by Gail Simone to draw attention to women who are killed or maimed in order to motivate the male character. It was cheap, lazy story telling twenty years ago and it’s lazy in this film too. There’s not even an attempt to parody or say something about the practice. They just...do it. And then use it as motivation for Wade’s character throughout the film. Vanessa wanted a kid, and then here is Wade (trying?) to counsel Russell. And that’s a charitable reading, she barely registers a mention after Colossus brings him to the mansion. Cable brings up his dead wife and daughter more often. Which, hey, more fridging so at least the movie is consistent.

Negasonic comes out in this movie. Brianna Hildebrand requested that the queer angle not “be a big deal,” and I think the movie succeeded there. A step toward normalizing queer relationships is not patting oneself on the back for merely acknowledging the idea that they exist. You know, like making a vague half-second reference to one in your three-hour movie, Disney. Or any of the other “We’re including a gay character” moments from Disney films. By my count, they’ve included a queer character for the first time roughly five separate times. Eventually, just admit you fucked up and try to do better instead of trying to rewrite history every six months.

It’s also amazing to me that, in a movie that murders several popular characters in a single sequence, Juggernaut still ends up being the most disapointing appearance. I want to say it’s better here than in Last Stand, but “Better Than Last Stand” is not an achievement. There’s probably liquor store surveillance footage that’s better than The Last Stand. Still, this is the second movie that seems to extremely undercut Juggernaut’s powers, and that’s a baffling decision because Juggernaut is a character tailor-made to be ridiculous. In a spin-off like this, that has branded itself as unafraid to boundaries, it’s very strange that this character is the one they chose to hold back on.

So that’s Deadpool 2 in a nutshell. Maybe it sounds like I’m dumping on one aspect of the movie, but it comes in hard at the beginning and the stink doesn’t go away. It clouds the whole movie, a noxious cloud of fumes that just doesn’t go away. And if it kind of sounds like I’m describing a fart, well, the description felt appropriate. I said at the beginning I might not write an afterthoughts blog on this movie. We’ll see what happens, but don’t be surprised if after the movie notes I just skip to Dark Phoenix. At least there I get to talk about Warren Zevon for a little.

Budget: 110 Million

First Weekend: 125 Million

Logan is one of the only X-Men movies that can stand on its own as a movie. You can go into this with no knowledge of the previous movies, having never picked up a comic book, and still enjoy this movie. This is a great movie. It’s a risky, entertaining movie that serves as a fitting end for a character portrayal that we’d seen for close to twenty years.

Maybe the point of this movie is that we can never truly give up on hope. It doesn’t matter if Laura and her friends form their own team or not, what matters is that we’ve seen Logan ensure they have the chance. It’s something that so strangely has become anathema as of recent. When in generations past we’ve seen a willingness to pass a torch, now we see only cruel jeers and japes. the “snowflake” generation will never be given the torch willingly, they must grasp it with full force and wrench it from the intransigent grip of the past. This where X-24 comes in, an attempt by the previous generation to replicate past success through sheer brute force. It’s a denial of the inexorable march of time. v

Redemption doesn’t just require sacrifice, it requires you to let go of the past. At some point, whether you choose it or not, the world is going to move on from you. And in that moment, the last thing left to do is bid a graceful goodbye.

I called this the Movie marvel could never make and I stand by that. The MCU will never come to a satisfying end, and just about every character we watched die in Infinity Saga has come back. The only one guaranteed to not come back is Scarlett Johansson and that’s because she’s suing Disney. Lawsuits tend to make character deaths stick around.

I’ll confess, after I rewatched this movie I became cynical for a while.When the kids run off, having fought their captors alongside their comic book hero, it didn’t feel final at all. It felt like a reminder of the endlessness of superhero movies. But the camera doesn’t follow the different people the way it does with Endgame. The final shot is fixed on Logan’s grave, because we’re not following their story. We’re following his, and we’re at his end. Whatever the kids do is a different story.

*The credits aren’t even typical of a superhero movie. They remind of an older movie from the seventies.

*This first fight is already what I wanted out of a Wolverine movie.

*God he might as well just say, “Do not trust me, I am a villain.”

*This beginning is so wildly unpleasant

*This long without a quip is some sort of record in a superhero movie, at least these days.

*I’m already loving the lack of dialogue in this.

*Ok. Choo Choo. First joke.

*Logan in no way wants to go back for the girl

*Absolutely great that Logan is willing to abandon Laura the way he is.

*Do villains ever brief their mercenaries? Like, foot claw seems like something that could have been mentioned.

*No enough limo chases in movies. Take notes, Hollywood

*Also, trains. Underutilized.

*Already did not like what he read.

*This reminds me of the torture scene in Casino Royale. After years of elaaborate sci-fi tortures, something like this is so simple and much more devastating.

*Genuinely thought they were having sex.

*Don’t steal! Also, I’m going to steal stuff.

*The story about Xavier watching Shane is a true story told by Patrick Stewart.

*Marvel at one point claimed their comics were based on real events and licensed from the superheroes themselves.

*Are they...hiding that truck?

*Legitimately hate each other at this point

*Capitalism is a nightmare. I’ve worked with truck drivers and this is an actual thing companies are working on.

*What’s fun is how much X-23 is such a physical, complicated role.

*This scene made me jump the first time I watched it.

*Honest question, is making Wolverine fight himself just a little too on the nose?

*The handcuffs remind me of how Magneto locked up Logan in the first movie and I’m wondering if that was intentional.

*Havent made a note. Just enjoying this movie. Vibing, as the kids might say

*This movie is not so secretly about corn syrup and copyrighted crops.

*Very few superhero movies defeat the villain like that.

Logan is the type of movie Marvel will never make. Moreover, it’s the type of movie they’re fundamentally incapable of making.

Logan was a risk, even after Deadpool. Deadpool was a crass comedy, but it was a character that hadn’t yet become popular in movies, but Logan? Hugh Jackman was their star. It’s precisely the reason Origins was such a tonal mess, the producers wanted their star to help introduce new spinoffs, while Hugh Jackman wanted to make a darker Logan, the way his solo comics introduced a darker, more violent side of a character that was often toned down for his team appearances. The Wolverine was darker but still aimed to be part of the X-Men universe, as evidenced by the absolute worst mid-credits sequence in modern cinema.

This movie, by contrast, does it’s best to distance itself from the established X-Men universe. Xavier is far removed from the bespoke tailored suits and palatial mansion that surrounded him for many of the previous films. Wolverine is playing chauffeur to bridesmaids and getting scammed on medication, and Caliban is there mostly to take joy in the misery. I described this to a coworker at the time as, “great, but the first half-hour is just people yelling at each other.” If you’re going to show a guy seeking redemption, it makes sense to show him at his lowest first.

X-23 is one of my favorite characters and I remember they did a good job of depicting her. Unlike the irascible but generally likable hero Jackman portrayed, we get X-23, younger and angrier. It works for the movie, and feeds into the idea that to be redeemed, first you have to have somewhere to climb.

I don’t remember much of Pierce, but i do remember X-24, something I believe to be a creation for this movie. In x-23′s origin story, the idea was that the Y-chromosome was damaged, only allowing them to clone Logan as a female. But here, we get Logan fighting Logan which is a a literal way of depicting his own inner struggle. This is a good comic book movie, but it’s still a comic book movie. Sometimes things have to be spelled out with punches.

I made a big deal about Oscar Issac's casting in my pre-movie post. But after a few viewings of this movie, I've had a change of heart. Because it's a perfect encapsulation of this entire movie.

Everything about Apocalypse is meant to look and sound comics accurate. Oscar Issac gets covered in roughly ten pounds of makeup and has the absolute fuck autotuned out of his voice to construct a comics accurate version of the villain. But it never goes any further. It's like everyone opened up a bunch of comic s, picked out the costumes, and assumed the work was done. Everything about this movie is surface level.

Look, Jubilee has her yellow jacket, just like the comics! And Psylocke has a pink sword, that's just like the comics too! Oh shit, in this movie you'll learn how Xavier became bald, too. Spoiler alert, it's not just regular old age, there's a backstory to it!

Let's use the relationship between Scott and Jean as an example. Their first meet-cute is anything but, unless for some reason one of your personal kinks is berating and insulting blind people. Which, yea, don't kink shame but something like that at least warrants further discussion. But within the space of two brief scenes, they're chatting and sharing before taking the newest student to a mall. The movie never introduces any concrete reason that Scott and Jean are attracted to each other. Hell, one of the first things Jean says is that Scott doesn't have much in his head. But you know what? In the comics Scott and Jean have a relationship so that's the direction the movie has to go.

It's not helped that the few times the movie does try to do its own thing, the results are not much better. Storm, here reintroduced by Alexandra Shipp, is underpowered before getting a boost courtesy of Apocalypse. You know, I'd love to say there's something about a strong female black character getting her power boosted by a mysterious man for his own benefit but...nope. Just can't find anything there.

This movie doesn't get everything wrong though. I like how the movie handles Mystique as a folk hero to mutants around the world. Instead of framing the whole event as a negative, the movie introduces her as not just a rescuer from bondage but as a potent symbol. Mystique does on her own what Xavier can only aspire to. And it actually leads somewhere in the movie. When Storm sees her hero being choked mercilessly, she immediately switches sides. This movie was released the same year that "Martha" became a deservedly derided meme. Maybe Apocalypse isn't as remembered five years later, but there's something to be said for obscurity over memorable mockery.

However, I need to point out that Mystique only got her hero status in these movies after Jennifer Lawrence became one of the biggest movie stars on the planet. It's a cynical thought to wonder about her character arc had her career gone differently, but the thought is there nonetheless. The X-Men movies never show as much curiosity with any of the other female characters. Jubilee gets forgotten, Psylocke's last scene is actually Mystique in disguise, and Jean gets a nod to "letting her powers go" that is just never fully cemented as something she struggles with. It feels similar to the scene with Storm and Apocalypse-a guy on screen gives her permission to use her powers.

There's a lot to discuss about this movie, from Apoclypse actually being a secret good guy(anti-nuclear disarmament is an odd stand to take) to why Magneto is in hiding(He basically asked to form the Brotherhood in the last moments of DOFP) but there will never be concrete answers. Apocalypse isn't the worst movie ever made, but it somehow manages something worse. It's an overly expensive, overstuffed nothing. A movie that takes two and half hours to go absolutely nowhere.

*Oh damn, I just realized Marvel can't do that little trick with the X. Bummer.

*Oof, a reminder of two abusive assholes in one picture.

*And every movie, a voiceover

*Damn, this scene reminds me of The Mummy. Shit, I should watch The Mummy. You know, instead of this.

*That cannot possibly be comfortable

*Why would you build those tables so far away? That's a serious design flaw.

*In what world is that a wink?

*That bully should be dead. Scott Summers should be a murderer.

*And, once again, Fassbender becomes the best part of these movies

*I love that Jean gets mad at a blind teenager for not knowing where he was going. One hell of a meet-cute

*Jean is far too interested in Scott destroying that tree. She is a single step below visibly horny for deforestation.

*How...how is sunlight getting in there?

*That morning breath has to be RANK.

*Why does Soviet Poland care that he tried to kill Nixon?

*Every single officer gets exactly what is coming to them in this scene. Each. And. Every. One.

*Honestly, this first scene with Apocalypse is pretty good.

*I don't like how this movie handles Ororo. I especially don't like that a character who is worshiped as a god has to get her powers from Apocalypse in this film.

*I can't tell if they're trying to queer-code Caliban or if they just collectively made a choice that is flat-out not working

*What an odd throwback to X3, a movie I'm sure we'd all like to forget.

*His idea of national pride is going to a mall? That is...accurate. Shit.

*Magneto's reaction to Apocalypse sums up most filmgoers reactions

*It's very upsetting that this movie spends almost no time focusing on the massive amount of trauma that is obviously influencing his decisions.

*Why the hell is his mom so goddamn cryptic in this scene? She's not coming off as an angry ex-lover, she sounds like a soothsayer out of the goddamn Illiad.

*There is bizarrely weird shout out to Up The Academy on that marquee. Also kind of anachronistic.

*Also that meta "third movie" line is...a decision.

*I realize the blackout eyes are a handy visual reference, but they just don't work. It just looks silly.

*Are we supposed to be opposed to him performing a full worldwide nuclear disarmament? I am fully, one-hundred percent on his side for that.

*Oh, ok. Way to take a stand Charles after broadcasting ninety-nine percent of his message.

*They're in a cage, that you put them in, AND you have been watching them this entire time. How could they have information on this? If anything it just proves how wrong you are. You know, massive human rights violations and all.

*This Jean/Logan scene doesn't work for me. Anyone else?

*How do those flightsuits fit them? Like, they're majority teenagers

*And once again....boob armor.

*Oh good. Thank god I now have a detailed and overly complicated reason he's bald. I fear I never would have figured that one out otherwise.

*So, honest question for the readers. What upsets you more, killing a flying mutant in a plane crash, or simply forgetting about Psylocke altogether?

*Does Apocalypse not have object permanence?

*They jump a grand total of ten feet.

*These costumes were a goddamn tease and frankly I'm not over it.

*Post-credits: I'm not over the tease of Mr. Sinister either.

Here’s a great game to play with this movie. Take someone who hasn’t seen it and might not be familiar with it. Press play, and time how long it takes for them to identify who’s playing Apocalypse.

Last time I tried, it was three-quarters into the movie before they just gave up and asked.

This isn’t meant to trash Oscar Issac, who’s a fine actor and a gorgeous human being. It’s meant to ask, why take a popular actor, cover them in make-up and prosthetics, then tone their entire voice beyond recognition? It’s not like Apocalypse goes through a lot of character development. He glowers and makes a lot of loud speeches. Theoretically Apocalypse could have been played by a slightly intimidating crossing guard.

I’ll lay my personal biases out right now. I’m not a fan of Apocalypse. I have enjoyed him in the new House of X that’s currently running, but the current X-Men line has shown a willingness to embrace some of its stranger characters. Thus, Apocalypse is now going by an unpronounceable symbol and is obsessed with magic. This movie takes a...different approach. No, here we get scene after scene of the big guy, almost as if the movie thinks we’ll forget the title if he’s off screen too long. Which isn’t too far from the mark.

My biggest problem with Apocalypse is that his powers seem very ill-defined from writer to writer. He reminds of the annoying kid on the playground, constantly making up new fake super powers to counter whatever narrative the rest of the group is forming.

“You fell in the lava!”

“Too bad I’m wearing my Asbestos Armor!” Shut your damn mouth and take the L, Fred.

And that’s Apocalypse to me. Do other characters have these varying power sets? Sure. Do most comic books rely on deus ex machina? Absolutely! Am I slowly writing myself into a corner? No, because This Paragraph is about Apocalypse and Apocalypse is the ultimate “can’t touch me” villain of the Marvel universe.

Disagree? Good! Share your opinion of Apocalypse in the comments! I’d love to hear from Apocalypse fans, to hear what made them love the villain.

Apocalypse isn’t a bad movie, but it is a Big Dumb Loud movie, and that’s a shame. After spending a whole movie resetting the entire timeline, then Deadpool showing these movies could be good in a different genre, it’s a very odd step to make a movie that so blatantly aims for the middle as this does.

It hasn’t been very long since I’ve seen this so much of the movie is still fresh in my mind, and there’s one scene that hits me differently every time. After Magneto first meets Apocalypse, we teleport to the concentration camp Magneto was tortured in as a child. The whole genesis for who he is. And with a small bit of encouragement and a jumpstart in powers, Magneto rips the entire thing apart, in a shower of debris as Apocalypse monotonously drones in the background.

I know what this scene is supposed to do, but I waver on whether or not it accomplishes it. Sometimes it seems like a moment of bombastic catharsis, Magneto tearing down the most traumatic, formative experience of his youth. Other times it feels like a complete tonal misfire, a loud action sequence that could have better benefited from a small quiet moment. It’s strange to have such a divisive moment too, because the movie handles the death of Magneto’s daughter a lot better. It’s telegraphed pretty hard between the ramping and color scheme, but it doesn’t make it less of an effective scene.

I usually finish up these afterhtoughts by discussing how the movie was, and if the movie was worth watching. There’s no point with Deadpool. If you haven’t, go watch it. There’s an reason he’s one of the few characters that was expected to make the transfer from Fox to MCU. People who have never watched one of the X-Men movies went to see this multiple times. If all you look for in movie reviews is a simple yes or no, recommend or skip, well, here you go. Recommended. Sit down and watch it. 

I’m not joking. If that’s all you’re concerned about, go watch some Deadpool. It’s not just a great X-Men film, it’s a pretty entertaining film. There’s a lot of good reasons why, after Disney bought Fox, they pretty quickly confirmed that Deadpool would be continuing. Which is pretty impressive for a movie series that started with an entertaining but kind of standard origin story.

One of the smartest things this movie does is it’s mostly nonlinear storytelling, because it allows to the movie to more effectively split up the first of it’s only two big action sequences. It’s hard to notice unless you think about it, but the only two effects-heavy sequences are the highway fight and the helicarrier fight at the end. But splitting up the highway fight, giving some distance between different beats, all of that helps the one big fight feel much longer. It also manages to humanize and endear us to a character that is murdering a lot of people seemingly unprompted.

Another great thing about this film is the relatively small cast of characters and low stakes of the central conflict fit the smaller scale of the movie. Deadpool isn’t trying to save the world, he just wants his face fixed. He’s not even interested in Colossus’ repeated attempts to recruit him into the X-Men, which ends up leading to one’s the film’s best lines. These low stakes allow the movie to focus on working as a joke delivery system, and this movie accomplishes that well. This movie is funnier than a superhero movie needs to be and gorier than most had attempted to be, and it manages both successfully.

Is this movie problematic, the way every previous X-Men has been? In retrospect, yes. The first mutterings of TJ Miller’s awful behavior surfaced around the time this movie came out, which suggests that it was an open secret around the industry well before this movie was casting. His part in the movie is the kind of supporting smart-aleck that isn’t a huge stretch of acting so it’s hard to imagine TJ Miller being necessary. He’s good in the role but it’s easy to think of a half-dozen or so comics that could have performed the same role.

Which leads us to our other Questionable Casting Choice; Gina Carano. She’s only recently become outwardly problematic but it casts a shadow over the film nevertheless. Firstly because Deadpool is queer representation, however slight that might be, but also because, much like Miller, she doesn’t add a whole lot. Haywire used her effectively, here she has even less characterization than Ed Skrien’s Ajax. It’s bothersome because her presence is distracting when it isn’t even necessary. They could have another cgi character without losing anything from the movie.

Leading back to queer representation, it’s a stretch to say this movie counts as such. Deadpool’s flirtatious with Colossus but it’s intentionally vague if he’s serious or just making the Russian uncomfortable. The International Women’s Day scene is great but it’s a pretty reductive stance to say a man getting pegged automatically equals queer. Deadpool is great but I wouldn’t list it as queer representation. Though, I can’t picture DC being ballsy enough to try something like that in the next Batman movie.

What are you waiting for? Go watch Deadpool.

*Piracy is not a victimless crime. So listen to the blue ray and shoplift it from Wal-Mart

*Love the music plaaying over the credits. Juice Newton is a forgotten delight.

*The cab scene is great because it introduces the character all through action. Somewhat rare to see a superhero movie take a breather like this.

*Ryan Reynolds is such a great character in this it amplifies how plain a villain Ed Skrein is

*The soundtrack to this and the sequel are both phenomenal.

*I’m much more willing to forgive the occasiaonal green screen obviousness in this because of how low a budget they were given.

*That stove line always bugs me. It just feels lazy in what is otherwise a very creative movie.

*Colossus looks like he is in a Desperate Housewives set

*Also, when do they meet? I’d love to see that story explored

*Pineapple belongs on pizza. End of argument

*Where is this skate park?

*Never order a blow job shot for yourself. Let someone else do it.

*Skee-ball is an arcade necessity

*Ah, International Women’s Day.

*Morena Baccarain deserves a better role in the third movie. In more movies.

*What is Colossus’ dick situation? Can he get hard in his metal form? Like, he’s already hard.

*Careless Whisper is super underrated. Go read the lyrics.

*I’d say either Billy Mays or Shamwow was the best

*Oh. Yea. She’s in this.

*Does he get more and less ugly depending on the scene?

*Can you believe this rap song existed before the movie?

*Blind Al is another underrated hero of this movie.

*Not sure what’s better, Ryan Reynolds joking himself or joking Hugh Jackman

*Hello Kitty

*Bob from HYDRA cameo

*I need a Monster Magnet cameo

*This helicarrier fight is great.

*That not-tit shot is strange. Like, it’s just...weird.

*I love this ending. It’s the same reason I love how Birds of Prey killed Black Mask. Sometimes the villain just needs to die and it doesn’t need to be pretty.

*I knew they would never do it, but there was a part of me that wanted Kiera Knightley as Cable. I mean, what a power move. Also, she’s a great actor.

What became Fox’s most successful movie had to be forced into existence.

Though a Deadpool movie had been discussed among Fox ever since the success of the first X-Men movie, production actually ramped up after Origins due to a strong first weekend at the box office. Let it be known reviews and final performance take an absolute backseat to those sweet, sweet first weekend profits. Movies take close to ninety percent of profits that first weekend. which should explain two things. One, your local multiplex is charging eleven dollars for a pretzel because ushers don’t work for free, and two, this is why legitimately bad movies suddenly get franchises. Consider every DC attempt at a connected cinematic multiverse. 

At this point, a lot of people would make a Green Lantern joke. I’m not going to, so clearly I have Very Important Thoughts and should be Trusted Implicitly.

Origins was joked at the time but mostly seen as a misstep, but Green Lantern was toxic. Production was delayed and probably would have been indefinitely if not for some fortuitously leaked footage. Popular conspiracy is that Reynolds himself leaked the footage to get interest in the film back up, and if it was he made the right call. The movie went from development hell to greenlight almost as soon as the footage went viral. Not only was it one of the highest grossing X-Men movies, it was one of the highest grossing R-rated movies ever. According to Wikipedia, it’s still in the top three.

All this is wildly successful for a movie that is, ultimately, another entry in the much derided origin-story. A lot of this movie concerns a reluctant hero finding their superhero identity, a romantic lead turned damsel-in-distress(which is a pretty severe misuse of Morena Baccarin’s talent), and the discovery of extraordinary abilities. Most people didn’t notice, however, because the movie employs something most X-Men movies have in short supply, humor.

This isn’t to say the other movies don’t have moments of levity both intended(Michael Fassbender’s reaction to seeing Apocalypse for the first time) and unintended(hiring Brett Ratner to direct) but that’s all they amount to, brief moments of levity in what are meant to be overall serious movies. The X-Men movies never completely lost the overly serious tone they took in the wake of Batman&Robin and other superhero movies that concentrated more on toylines than plotlines. Deadpool put the humor front and center and was one of the major draws, apart from Ryan Reynolds doing one of the few welcome method performances probably ever.

Fuck Marlon Brando.

I always talk about something problematic with these movies and this movie is going to get the same treatment. However, it’s a little different with Deadpool. The problemetic aspect doesn’t come from the movie so much as a crowd that has embraced the character. Deadpool was increasing in popularity before the movie but he’s exploded in the years since. And that popularity has led to him being embraced by people who fundamentally misunderstand the character. The people who walk down the street wearing a certain shirt and you want to stop them because you just KNOW they don’t understand that thing.Yes, the scourge of comic fans everywhere....

Edgelords.

Yea, the “why are you mad, I’m only joking” crowd. The guys that would hurl F-slurs in high school and wave it off with “I’m not talking about gay people, just stupid people.” People like this have attached themselves to the Deadpool aesthetic like a remora. I’ve pushed for people to be open to the idea that true page-to-screen adaptations aren’t realistic but this is one of the holdouts. Deadpool in the comics is, first of all, pan. Duggan, a writer on Deadpool for three years described as being attracted to “anything with a pulse,” and while we can deabte the oversimplication seperately, that’s not heterosexual. Second, and possibly even more important, Deadpool is a very authentic figure. He loves the things he loves unironically. Deadpool is irreverant and very bloodthirsty but he is not the toxic figure that many fans have turned the Joker into.

The pansexuality didn’t really make it to screen apart from the International Women’s day gag. He flirts with Colossus but it’s intentionally vague if he’s serious or just making the uptight character uncomfortable. The joy is on full display, from his earnest discussions of Wham! and Bernadette Peters to his date with Vanessa at an arcade, Wade is irreverent and sarcastic without ever falling into detached irony.

I’d be remiss if I was on a discussion of problematic shit and I didn’t mention TJ Miller. His behavior was becoming public knowledge around the release of this film, and by the sequel it was a looming point of discussion. I’ll use that timeline to discuss him in a little more detail when that movie comes up, but there were already discussions by the time of his first big incident about nine months after the release of this.

Hopefully it’s not too much of a distraction because Deadpool deserves it’s ranking as one of the best things to come out of the Fox universe. There’s a wealth of reasons why Disney is willing to risk a R-Rated property in the MCU and why he’s one of the few characters being considered for a crossover. I’m excited to finally sit down to watch this one.

Budget: $58 million

Opening Weekend: $132 million

US Gross: $363 Million

I’m of the opinion there are two types of bad movies. On the one hand you have movies that are enjoyably bad. Movies that catch on something of a second life based on the dialogue or the plot or the inclusion of Nicholas Cage. Movies that are such a grotesque misfire that you can’t help but enjoy them. I’m thinking of movies like The Room, Cats, or roughly two-thirds of the Fast and Furious series. “Serious” film buffs will scoff, but if your life revolves around reexamining Godfather for the umpteenth time maybe you don’t understand fun.

The second kind of bad movies are just...bad. There’s no joy in their badness. They’re neither enjoyable as cinema nor as entertainment. Though they run the gamut from joyless slog to actively offensive, they’re always noxious turds. It’s like the difference between a hot dog cart and an Applebee’s. Both are cheap shit, but the hot dog cart isn’t going to lie to you. In case it’s not obvious, New Mutants is an Applebee’s.

Honestly, that should be the box quote. “New Mutants is the Applebees of movies.”-Some tumblr Rando

It’s the most accurate description of this movie. It clearly wants to imagine itself as an intelligent, genre-hopping film, something strange and unique when in reality this couldn’t be more cookie cutter if it came out of a bakery. This movie was supposed to be something new for Fox, a teen-horror film. That isn’t a bad idea, and judging by how Marvel has since marketed Wandavision and Multiverse of Madness, it’s an idea someone thinks is worth exploring. This movie doesn’t explore that idea. It glances at it on the shelf before grabbing a giant fistful of hair clippings and gobbling wildly.

The best horror movies offer a sense of creeping dread that slowly becomes overwhelming, lurking in the periphery of the movie. I’m thinking of movies like Hereditary or John Carpenter’s The Thing. Those movies offer an atmosphere that begins at unsettling and gradually overwhelms its characters and the audience. New Mutants never even attempts. The hospital has five patients and a massive force field surrounding the property, and everyone seems...weirdly cool about it. I assume the movie wanted to show these kids as beaten down but they come off as apathetic.

The part of this movie that really defies logic is what I imagine was supposed to be a memorable part of the film, the big party. A lot is invested into this sequence, it’s clearly supposed to be a big emotional linchpin of the whole thing. It’s also asinine. It illustrates the general way this film treats its characters, in that it doesn’t have characters so much as pawns. It moves them into the necessary positions as the movies sees fit, and the party scene is that in a nutshell. They knock out Dr. Reyes to...party? Previously in the movie there’s a brief discussion of the X-Men and they determine that they’re undergoing training for that. Why not have them discover that information, and then party? You show them as the driven, scrappy young mutants that would make this a franchise. Instead there’s a party because we really needed an extended Breakfast Club homage.

Dani and Rahne sharew their feelings during said party too. I said before I watched this that I was concerned they’d make too big a deal out of this, and I’ll give credit where it’s due, it didn’t feel forced. However, it did feel like I was just watching the trailer of Fault In Our Stars again. Also, I’m taking that credit away because hitting the bare minimum isn’t a reason to celebrate. The movie handled a queer relationship well? Good, ALL movies should be because we’re way past the point of that being a big deal. As if it should have ever been a big deal. I also have some issues with the movie brushing off Rahne’s second brand. I appreciate Rahne showing sympathy to Dani because tragic queer stories are a trope that needs to die in a fire, slowly, in front of other, better queer depictions. But it also doesn’t feel right. It’s never revisited. The movie introduces this horrific event and it can either bring them closer or tear them apart and it does...neither. Bold choice, I guess but also frustrating in that you’ve just chosen zero character development.

Is it possible for a movie to be passive-aggresive?

I mentioned the racism in the last blog post and I’m mentioning it again, because goddamnit, it serves zero purpose. If you needed a mean girl, consult the movie Mean Girls. Ton of ideas there. Roberto and Cecilia are whitewashed in a decision that Josh Boone seemed to be bizarrely proud of because perhaps he’s never listened to the sound of his own voice before. Blu Hunt is queer and indigenous though so...one step forward? Blu Hunt has mentioned being personally happy with how the movie handled it and frankly that’s enough for me. I never found her thoughts on the “two wolves” voiceover and it’s probably just as well.

The actors themselves don’t deserve a lot of hate. For actors like Anna Taylor-Joy and Maisie Williams, they’re good in roles that they likely assumed would go on for the better part of a decade at least. For actors like Blu Hunt and Henry Zaga that aren’t as popular, getting cast in a major franchise like this was probably an easy decision at the time. Charlie Heaton is great, but I’ve got to mention him separately because while his acting is good, no one from Kentucky talks like that before three jugs of moonshine that are for some reason filled with marbles. He’s good in the role but his accent changes and it never sounds convincing. It would have been better to just forgo an accent like they did with Storm way back in the first movie. Alice Braga, as the villain, is present and awake for her scenes. It’s all that’s really asked of her and I can’t fault her. Mr. Sinister was supposed to show up in this movie as a villain, and they clearly didn’t spend a lot of time rewriting her character to make up for his absence. The result is she’s not sympathetic in the group therapy scenes and she’s not threatening as the villain. None of that is to say she’s bad in the role. She does as well as she can in a role that was clearly underwritten from the start.

Quick question, will Adam Beach ever make it to act two of a superhero film? The world waits to know.

Also, someone who does deserve a lot of hate is Marilyn Manson. He’s the voice of the Smiling Men that attack Illyana in the third act. It’s kind of disappointing, because I love the detail of tracksuits and tattoos that recall Russian gangsters. However, Marilyn Manson was already pretty well known as a sleazebag before Evan Rachel Wood called him out by name, and Josh Boone choosing to work with him is just one more gross decision he should be called out for.

The CGI looks the same as it does in almost every X-Men movie. It runs the gamut from passable to trash. It has been a constant source of curiosity how a movie with a budget the size of a country’s GDP can still produce CGI that consistently looks out of date. Something like the Demon Bear can look fine, but Dr. Reyes’ force fields near the ending could have been drawn in and looked better. Some of the shots of Limbo and Lockheed look bad as well. I mean, if you’re going to have six characters you could at least try harder to animate their powers.

Having gotten this far you wouldn’t be wrong in thinking I was going to tell you this is the worst X-Men movie. It’s not. It’s just a perfect encapsulation of how Fox treated these characters at their worst. This movie isn’t bad, it’s mediocre, and that’s even worse. Fox aimed low and settled for less, and if that isn’t a summation of their approach to this franchise I don’t know what is.

New Mutants (pandemic) Box Office:

Budget: $67 Million

Opening Weekend Gross: $7 Million (During a Pandemic!)

Total U.S. Gross: $23 Million