No Longer Human

Then there's that smile on the other's face at the hair ruffling and his own smile grows. Damn that's actually pretty cute and he should kick himself for thinking that. The red head then used the time he was changing to calm back down before coming back out. It was good that the brunette finally got up out of the bed and gives a little wince at the clicks. Man he should really help Dazai get more flexible sometime. However he pushes that away to instead smile back when he agrees to help him out.

"Great, thanks mackerel~!"

There's that itch in his brain, trying to overthink all of this and figure out the 'why' to everything, consider the 'what ifs' until he makes himself paranoid again. He's already overthinking everything. Everything he has to do, everything that might happen, and what he might not be prepared for. But he does his best to keep himself present, even as his awareness slips in and out while he heads to the kitchen. He's also just...really tired too.

Another yawn escapes him before he can stop it as he steps up to the counter to open up the first aid kit, before looking at Chuuya to give him a smile and take his hand gently. He's so uncharacteristically gentle when it came to Chuuya, at least in very specific circumstances. That's why he takes care in these actions, unravelling the bandages around the other's hand and checking the cut over to make sure it's doing alright. It would be just fine fairly soon, he's sure. He applies just a bit more antiseptic, just to be safe, before getting a roll of fresh bandages to carefully wrap around the hand again.

Chuuya also doesn't mind that Dazai isn't looking at him or really any specific target. It doesn't really surprise him at all considering this was something out of his usual comfort levels. He didn't mind at all and while he waited for the other's response to his agreement he moved towards the closet to get his work clothes for the day. After all, he didn't want to be late and he was already dragging his feet as is and still needed to change his bandage on his injured hand. He comes back out in time to see him looking back to him and smiles at the next question.

"Of course I'll be there mackerel. I won't let you suffer it alone."

Sure, he may have to get used to the signs but he trusted in being a light enough sleeper that the changes should get him awake in time to help. He goes over to use his good hand to ruffle Dazai's hair gently before taking his clothes to head towards the bathroom to change out of his sleep clothes and get ready for the day. He decides to forgo his shower for now since he was more pressed for time than usual and he needed to eat still and take care of his hand. It only takes him roughly 10 minutes to change into his work clothes minus the gloves and hat.

His eyes close for a second from the affectionate ruffle to his hair and he can't help but smile just a bit. That reassurance does help, even slightly. Chuuya would make sure he's okay. Watching the other head off to get changed, he breathes out a sigh at the knowledge he has to start getting up too. He'd be sorta late today, but that was fine. He wanted to shower, and had to put his bandages back on. Probably shouldn't eat something... He was still kinda full from yesterday's dinner. It didn't matter, he supposed. He was functional, so he was fine. Even if, while Chuuya was gone, he spaces out for a good few minutes.

He's blinking back into reality again when he hears his roommate's voice though and he tilts his head, before having just a bit of a brighter smile and finally forces himself out of the bed to stand up. Stretching his body, there's a few good clicks from his stiff joints, and he huffs another sigh before going to head out the room.

Hearing the weak chuckle makes him give a huff. Yeah, they both could understand the irritation of stitches having had them plenty of times. Hell, Chuuya's done his own a couple of times to avoid seeing Mori as much as possible. Naturally there were times he had no choice but to go to his boss but at least those were few and far between visits that really didn't require much more than stitches so Mori couldn't 'help' more. Thankfully the topic of conversation changes so he didn't have to keep thinking on that.

"Hmm, it may work again. Can't hurt to try at least yeah? Besides that I'm a pretty light sleeper when I'm not buzzed so if I sense something's off I can help you out."

It was true too, he normally slept pretty lightly most nights for safety concerns. Really it was like that unless he was buzzed or felt safe enough to rest more deeply. He could keep himself in a lighter sleep than he has been lately though, for Dazai's sake. Should he feel something off he would wake up to help ease the other man through his paralysis should he get stuck again.

Chuuya was about to head to the closet when he notices the way that the other opens his mouth to speak. He doesn't rush the other and merely stands there waiting patiently and looks a bit surprised at the question that comes from his friend. Oh... Well that was unexpected but he softens his gaze and gives a little smile.

All he does is sit there, not quite looking at anything. He's not used to asking for help like this. He's not sure how he's supposed to ask Yosano either. He wouldn't at all, if he wasn't getting so sick of this. Might be the only thing he's vaguely willing to get help with though. The rest of his struggles? They didn't exactly matter. He didn't really need to eat much to function, and so what if he wants to die? It's not like he will, so it didn't matter. Not soon, at least. At Chuuya's response though, he glances over, and he's sort of surprised the other actually agreed so easily. And it actually...made him feel a little better about asking.

"...Okay. And if it does get me to sleep...you'll be here when it happens again?"

Chuuya let his gaze unfocus, merely staring ahead of him at the wall as he sat there thinking. He didn't pay any mind to the way Dazai moved and stared at him. His mind was too busy racing and worrying over things that could happen when he was inevitably caught. While he trusted Dazai with his life he was still worried that something would go wrong too soon, too spontaneously for the brunette to be prepared for. He let his good hand stray up to his hair and he began to run his fingers through it to try and soothe himself. It was only when he heard the other speak up that he came back to reality.

"Tch, yeah, glad it didn't come to that! I hate getting stitches at the best of times after all."

Not only would that have been even more suspicious but it would put his hand further out of commission. Fuck that. He was already pushing it with the cut as is. Chuuya huffs and then watches as the other man yawns and pouts. It was kind of cute how he was still so tired but he immediately squashed that thought process down. Nope, he didn't want to deal with that stress right now. For now he huffs and gets up off the bed finally to do a better full body stretch with a little groan of satisfaction. Much better. The question makes him pause and look over in thought.

He doesn't vocalize how he knows Chuuya is worrying about the same damn thing too, but the way the other spaces out doesn't go unnoticed.

There's a half-hearted chuckle that he manages. Stitches were a pain to deal with, he knows that pretty well. He can only imagine how poor Chuuya dealt with it when Dazai had to stitch up some of his wounds after Corruption. His eyes follow his roommate when he gets up to stretch, and his gaze remains focused, staring, before he groans in annoyance and forces himself to sit up. Had to get up... He had to get up. He will get up.

In a minute. His head tilts to the side and he focuses his attention back onto Chuuya again with a short hum as he thought about it. It's not as though he'd be against it. It did feel oddly nice...

"I guess so. Dunno if I'd even get to sleep though. I've got no idea how long I actually slept last night."

Then he hesitates, gaze drifting away, fixating on nothing in particular. His mouth opens to speak, but it takes a good few seconds for him to force out a voice.

"I was...thinking about talking to Yosano-sensei...about my sleeping problems again... She kinda tried to help with it, but she doesn't like giving me stuff. Since I tend to overdose. But maybe...you could make sure I don't?"

However that was put from his mind for the moment as he was held by the other so close with the intent purpose of stealing his body heat. It was so ridiculous he wanted to laugh but at the same time he needed to start getting ready for work damn it! So he sighed in relief at the fact he's released and huffs in mild annoyance as he sits up.

"Trust me, I'd rather take a lazy morning for once but I'd also rather not rouse suspicions either."

The red head sighed as he finally conceded that he needed to sit up but does another fully body stretch beforehand. Oh did that feel much better on his slightly stiff muscles. Sure, he didn't normally move about a lot in his sleep due to his lack of dreams but he's not really one for sleeping in the same position most of the night. Chuuya blinks before he sits up at the question that he gets from Dazai about his hand. Oh right. He looks down to the injured limb and frowns at it. Well that would be annoying all day. Hopefully he didn't get any missions that required him to fight too much. He could manage but it would be annoying.

He merely watches Chuuya, making no real move to start getting up himself yet. He really shouldn't stay home alone though. Going into work would be a nice distraction. He tries to convince himself that's a good reason to get up right now, and it's only half working. Because instead of getting up, he only shifts, folds his arms, and rests his head on them as he stares up at Chuuya.

"At least my slug didn't hurt himself too badly. I could've had to give you stitches~"

And neither of them would want that. Of course Dazai has his own equipment for it, for when he's entirely against going to a hospital for something as minor as a gash or stab wound. And of course he's very good at stitches. He learned from a doctor, after all.

There's a yawn, and he pouts again at the thought of getting up. There's something in him that would like to just go back to sleep again, but...he didn't like the thought of sleeping without Chuuya nearby. Besides, he probably wouldn't be able to sleep again if he tried, as tired as he may be.

"Yeah that's expected considering how long it's been since you got decent sleep."

It does make him give a little grimace at the clicks he hears. Truly the poor man hadn't moved either but likely needed to stretch more than he did. Geez, his joints must really hate him. Chuuya was getting ready to move to get up while Dazai seemed to collect himself, at least that was until he was suddenly grabbed again. It results in him giving a yelp of surprise that he tries to cover up with a growl. It held no real bite and he didn't really fight too hard against the hold but he still huffs.

"Hey now! I have to get up to get ready for work y'know! Unlike you I can't really afford to be late."

It was fine. He'd be fine. He's dealt with it this long. It was even just a little easier with his new roommate. Who he really wanted to just lay here with and keep stealing his body heat. He pouted when Chuuya squirmed in his hold like the slug he was, but he did loosen his grasp after a minute, begrudgingly so with a long whine.

"So mean... Abandoning poor Dazai for work... Now I'll freeze to death."

Being very dramatic, of course. He's not that cold, but there was always a chill in his chest that gave him reason to complain. An unfortunate condition that even had Mori confused when he tried to figure out why, and simply came to the conclusion that it was because of his ability, seeing that there wasn't anything else wrong with him. That would cause it, at least. There was plenty of other things wrong with him that were irrelevant. He breathes out a sigh at the mere thought of all that, his gaze focusing back on Chuuya for some distraction.

What he wasn't expecting though was for Dazai to wake up with a start. It caused him to stiffen up and tense as well, wondering what was wrong. The bewildered look on the other's face did give him a clue though, Dazai hadn't meant to fall asleep nor had he expected to wake up somewhat peacefully. Chuuya watches as the other's mind seems to catch up with him and he starts to calm down just a bit.

"Heh, good morning Dazai. You seem to have slept well for a change. How're you feeling?"

"Uh... I don't know. Okay, I think. Head hurts a little..."

Not bad though. Not a migraine, at least. He stretches himself with a few clicks from his body. He must've not moved much in the night either. He huffs quietly and simply lays there too, not the most keen on the idea of having to get up. Maybe he'd go into work a bit late today... He looks over at Chuuya again, staring at him for a while, before rolling over and wrapping an arm around the redhead to pull him close again.

Chuuya slowly began to rouse again in the morning, his internal clock demanding that he wake up. It took quite a while for him to want to open his eyes or even begin thinking. No, he was far too content and comfortable resting in this blissful cloud of security. Soon enough though the fog began to clear from his mind and he soon opens his eyes. There's utter confusion as to why he's so close to Dazai at first but then he remembers and relaxes as he does so. Right... He wanted to comfort Dazai for his stress.

It took him a moment to realize that he heard Dazai's breathing was deeper and evened out. Oh... Oh! The brunette was asleep! That... that actually made something in his chest warm and swell a bit. He knew that Dazai struggled to sleep at the best of times so the fact that he felt safe enough to do so right then just made him so very happy but also flustered. Why he couldn't be sure. Actually... he had an idea but it was just too ludicrous to be true.

It wasn't too long after that something in him could tell Chuuya was awake, and his brow furrowed a little as he started to come back to the world of the living. Unfortunately. Sleeping was nice when he wasn't plagued by all the bad shit. He's barely conscious when a small, quiet whine leaves him at the mere idea of being awake when he felt so comfy right now. Then he's realizing, he'd actually fallen asleep, and he suddenly jolts awake, his eyes opening wide.

Wait--

He doesn't remember falling asleep. Why would he fall asleep? But it's only a brief few seconds of panic, because it occurs to him...he's actually fine. He's awake, he can move, and he can breathe. How...strange. Not that he's complaining or anything. When did he even fall asleep? He blinks a few times as he relaxes again, before then noticing that Chuuya was there. and very close, and he stares at him with those bewildered brown eyes. His mind was still trying to catch up with him and his heart was beating too fast, and maybe he's just a little confused that he woke up...fine. Sort of. His head is hurting, but whatever, that's not important. He didn't wake up paralyzed?

There was the idle thought that Dazai was relaxing more the louder his purring got but it was quickly buried under the fuzz of exhaustion. Chuuya really was rapidly losing the fight to stay awake now that he was so comfortable and having his hair played with was soothing him more than he could say. The purring remains as he slowly begins to finally and fully drift off to sleep.

".... mmrrrrr.... Better.... stay safe....."

Dazai doesn't say anything more as he feels the other slowly grow fully lax and lose the fight against his exhaustion, simply petting his hair softly as it becomes an absent-minded thing, and his own awareness falls away once he was alone. He doesn't know if he'd be able to get up without waking up Chuuya now, as much as he's tempted to get a drink, or do anything to pass the time. He doesn't know if he even has the energy to if he could get up. Besides...it's not like it was unpleasant right here, with Chuuya's warmth against him. It's oddly comforting...

He doesn't actually know how long he stays like that, mentally absent, staring up at the ceiling, hand so gently resting against Chuuya's head now. It could've been minutes or hours, he'd have no idea, but at some point in the night, strangely enough, he does start to fade himself. Beyond him when his eyes had closed. He'd just felt so...comfortable here. It's warm, safe, and nothing would happen to him as long as Chuuya was here. Nothing would hurt him. So even if it's for a short while, he at least drifts into a light sleep, shifting just slightly to hold his roommate a little closer.

At the very least though he was feeling content in this moment and Dazai's cooler temperature felt good against his naturally warm self. The red head knows that this is uncharacteristic of him but at least Dazai didn't seem to mind. Normally he didn't mind being affectionate with others but it was really only when he was either really drunk or comfortable around them. This time seemed to be a mixture of both but he didn't really care.

"Eh, what can I say... I always tend to worry about my friends... But if you say you'll be okay then I'll trust that..."

This helped, at least some of it.

"I know you do..."

It honestly amazed him sometimes, that Chuuya could care so strongly about people. Even for some horrible, evil thing like Dazai. And that's so damn irritating. Because if he lets himself die, he'll be another person that Chuuya's lost. Knowing what that pain feels like, he doesn't know if he can do that to the other. That's where more of his stress comes from. How is he supposed to go along with his silent plan when he'll be leaving Chuuya like a hurt little puppy? Dammit, why did he have to care about this stupid slug so much? Fuck it, he always has, hasn't he?

...He really has. Nothing's actually changed.

A bit of a startling thought. Something to think too much about, of course. He doesn't want to make his unease very obvious though, and he lets out a quiet breath while he tries to will the tension in his body to relax. It was easier, hearing Chuuya's purring. Even feeling him huddle just a little closer, and he doesn't really mind that either. It's strange, sure, but not unwelcome. Just...makes him feel something he's not quite certain about. He doesn't want to focus on that too much. He wants to focus on how warm and cute Chuuya is, as he continues to gently play with the other's hair to try and coax him to sleep. It sure seemed to be working. He cracks a slight, warm smile, his voice growing quiet,, soft, and so affectionate.

That little subtle nod makes him nod in turn, glad to see that. Good... He wanted Dazai to know that it was okay to not be alright at home. This was a safe space for him now. Chuuya didn't expect him to be perfectly healthy and alright perfect at all times. No one could be like that all the time, no matter how stable they were. So the red head did what he could to help him realize that, even if all it was right now was cuddling against the other. He still found it strange to be this close to the brunette without feeling tense himself.

Chuuya could tell that his initial movement of cuddling up against him made Dazai rather tense, making him worry that it was too forward. It wasn't like they hadn't done more than this before years ago now. Hell, he couldn't really recall what had led to that now but it didn't really matter. For now he didn't try to dwell on that and instead let himself purr as he feels Dazai relaxing. Okay, so maybe his fucking purring had a good use actually. It seemed to be helping the other relax and calm down. Good.

He knows he won't be able to stay out of his own head once his roommate does fall asleep, but that's something he's used to. He might just slip out of reality entirely, and then next thing he knows it could be morning. At least Chuuya was warm... He honestly didn't mind this situation right now. He's just surprised the other decided to be this forward. Sure, they did sometimes keep physical contact with each other while Chuuya slept, when either of them felt a little more on edge, but not normally to this extent. It didn't feel bad though. It didn't feel like too much. And he's not complaining when he hears that cute purring. It does something to help his nerves and unsteady heartbeat.

"Chuuya worries so much, even for me... I'll be fine, I promise. If I get really bad, I'll wake you up, okay?"

"It's okay to not be alright right now mackerel. You don't have to apologize for it."

Chuuya watched as the other slipped back into his racing thoughts, unsurprised that he did so. Poor guy really was just so stressed. If only he could do more to help right then. It was a true shame that he had that alcohol too quickly before because it was making him more drowsy than he wanted to be right then. Of course, he needed to rest anyway since he had work tomorrow but he tried to fight that fuzzy feeling slowly dragging him down best as he could.

"... Still... If it gets to be too much wake me up okay? I won't be mad."

He takes in a slightly shaky breath, and let it back out again, before nodding subtly. It's okay. He tries to tell himself that. It's just...difficult. But he's so tired. Part of him almost feels willing to try to sleep. But what if it happens again? What if Chuuya wasn't awake to help him? But he wants to fucking sleep... He almost pouts at the thought. He's honestly jealous Chuuya could sleep so easily. He might literally kill someone to not have any dreams or sleep paralysis. But he at least tries to not sound too miserable as he responds.

"Alriiight, I'll be fine. I'm not gonna do anything stupid tonight. Honest. Too tired..."

If only because he couldn't be fucking bothered. Now that he was laying down, he really didn't feel like getting up just to get a stupid blade or cigarette to quiet his head down. And, well... It didn't seem like Chuuya would be making that easy either. He tenses initially when the redhead's arm is draped over him and he blinks a few times as his eyes focus on Chuuya. This was weird. Was this weird? It's not like they haven't done this before. Rather...they've done way more before. But that was different. Was it different? Whatever. Was he okay with this? He...thinks so. And if he wasn't, that little purr he hears certainly made it okay. He can't help but smile a little and let himself relax, just to let the other know this was okay.

Chuuya looks up to him when he hears that apology and shakes his head, "it's okay to not be used to it y'know? We spent all our lives basically hating each other's guts so it's not surprising that you wouldn't know how to feel about this."

The red head sighs and rubs at the back of his neck while he spoke up on that. Honestly it was still new and strange to him too but he knew he couldn't really fight against it either. Chuuya simply cared too much when he did accept someone after all. It was nigh impossible for him to fight and that's why it always hurt so much more when he inevitably lost that friend. Actually, not that he thought on it, he didn't really have any friends at the moment aside from Dazai and now Atsushi... All the others were gone...

To keep from spiraling with those thoughts though he focused his attention back to Dazai and gave a little smile when he watched as the other laid down. Good, no need to torture himself with back pain after all. Chuuya turns to lay on his side facing the other man and reaches over to gently ruffle his hair again.

"...Okay. Sorry..."

It's said simply, quietly, and abnormally. At the least, it's a little reassuring. It's not like Chuuya's pressuring him at all, so the tight grip in his chest eases some. He said it was okay, so it's okay. Right? Is it okay to not be okay? Is it okay to be more vulnerable? Is it okay to want to be wanted?

Overthinking.

His eyes fixed on the ceiling, an odd, unsettling feeling sinking into him that he would be alone tonight. Not entirely, since Chuuya was physically here, but... There were some nights that wasn't enough. He slides back into reality again feeling his hair ruffled, and he hums softly as he looks over at the redhead. At the very least, he tries to smile.

"It's okay. Chuuya's tired. I can handle being on my own."

While he was leaning against Dazai, it was like he could sense just how stressed the other man really was. There was so much that he could almost see the cracks forming in the brunette's composure... It truly worried him about potentially falling asleep and leaving the poor man alone with it tonight but he already knew he wouldn't be able to fight off his drunken exhaustion for too long. The question he gets in response to what he said merely makes him frown and look up towards the other.

"I'm not that drunk y'know... But no I'm not just saying that because I'm drunk, I actually do mean it. You're probably the closest thing I have to a best friend now and I care for all my friends."

It was true that he did care deeply for any and all friends he had... Which was why he was also a bit anxious that he'd somehow lose Dazai soon too. After all, it really did feel like any friend he ever made was soon killed because of him for some reason or other... That or they wound up hating him... It really was upsetting so he tried to bury those thoughts as he leaned more against the brunette, telling himself that this bastard was just too clever to actually die. It was of little comfort but he did manage to calm down a bit.

Soon enough the red head can feel another yawn escape him and he can feel his eyes starting to droop. Damn, he really was exhausted from stressing over meeting Atsushi for the past few days. Feeling the light fuzz of tiredness creeping into his mind Chuuya shifted to lay down, lightly tugging at the other man to do so as well.

His eyes close for a second or two while he listens to those words, and struggles to process them. He knows. Chuuya cares so much and so easily. Dazai's seen it enough. He's just not used to being on the receiving end of it. It still didn't feel right. He still expects all of this to mean nothing, just like before. Did he want it to mean something? He doesn't know what he wants. He's honestly lost. He doesn't know what to do. And he's so tired.

"...I guess...I'm...still having trouble... You know... Getting used to this. Sorry..."

He sounded...oddly fragile when he says that, even uttering a soft apology of all things. It wasn't like he didn't want Chuuya as a friend. He really did like having friends. Though it was really hard to understand why anyone would want to be his friend. Sure, the two of them didn't have a choice about being around each other, so making an effort to get along was a logical option, but why did Chuuya genuinely care so much? Because Dazai was...sad? Pitiful? Lonely? Surely there was hardly anything likeable about him though.

He's overthinking again. He doesn't even know why he cares so damn much.

Thankfully it seemed his silly little poke had helped draw him from those thoughts. Good. He just grinned and didn't look sorry in the slightest. How could he be sorry when it seemed to have done some good? Though the reply he got makes him blink in surprise and tilt his head.

"Wait, what? You liked to get me mad? Why the hell would you like that? I'm a right bastard when I get mad."

That was something he couldn't understand easily it seemed. Then he's noticing how his leaning against the other made him tense up before slowly relaxing. At least his goddamn body heat could be useful for something. Chuuya gives him a little smile before a yawn did finally escape him and rests his head against the other's shoulder while he listened.

"Yeah I can see and understand that and.... I know I used to want you dead and all but... I'm honestly glad you're still alive."

"Dunno."

In Dazai speak, that more just meant 'I don't wanna talk about it'. And when he didn't want to say something, he wouldn't. Not...right now, at least. There's a lot of emotions that he's just not willing to try and unpack and figure out at the moment, because he's just too mentally exhausted. He's so tired, he wants to sleep, but he can't sleep, because he doesn't even get a break when he sleeps at night. Fuck, he's so...fucking stressed and something, something, in him is threatening to crack.

And then there's Chuuya, resting his head on Dazai's shoulder as if he's actually something nice to be around. As if Dazai is a human being someone could draw comfort from. He's not. And yet, this stupid dog is saying things like this? Saying he's glad Dazai is alive? How is he supposed to believe that? As if he fucking deserves to be alive. There's a lump in his throat that he forces himself to swallow, a tight pain in his chest that he has to fight off. His eyes fixate downward, he can't bring himself to look at Chuuya.

"...You're not just saying that because you're drunk?"

That thought process was enough to sober him some but thankfully it seemed that Dazai was more distracted by the wall so he could try and cover it up again. Actually it was strange that the other man was suddenly acting this way, like he was shy... But that was ridiculous right? This was Dazai he was dealing with and the man did not get shy! Maybe he was overwhelmed? After all the poor bastard did have a very stressful day, wasn't in his bandages, and was being complimented by him. Chuuya could only watch on and give a little hum as he thought about it all.

Hearing that last little bit has him giving a little amused huff, "heh, we weren't friends before mackerel. Besides I could say the same about you too. You used to only say you liked something about me to take it back immediately to mess with me."

The redhead poked the other's forehead as if to annoy him but it was a light, gentle poke to show he wasn't actually upset. At least, not anymore. He smiled a bit and shifts on the bed to sit a bit closer before leaning against his side. Aaaah the other really was cooler than him huh? It almost makes him yawn but he manages to stifle it, it wouldn't be much longer before he succumbs to his stress exhaustion and alcohol but he could stay up a little longer.

So he tries to focus on Chuuya, to keep himself from slipping. He finally brings his attention back over, only to blink at the poke to his forehead and narrowed his eyes slightly with a pout. He's hardly too annoyed though. It did snap him out of his relentless stream of thoughts for the moment.

"I just liked to see you mad."

Not that he really wanted to go into why. He watches Chuuya carefully when he moves closer, and then he feels his body tense just from the other's warmer frame leaning against him. But it's...nice. It's not too much, so he slowly relaxes. Overwhelmed as he felt, the physical contact was appreciated, and he breathes a quiet hum.

"Yeah... Being cold all the time is stupid too though. Really makes me wish I didn't have an ability at all. But I guess I would've died a long time ago if I didn't..."