brrrrrrr

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.