whimsy and canned fish

float like a butterfly (nervously forgets end of quote) green like a pea

stop calling it a girl dinner and call it by its formal name: Fend For Yourself dinner in an ingredients household

hey man I'm the torturer [shaking your hand and detecting apprehension] that just means it's my job to torture people [visibly uncomfortable] there are lots of people like me

Sober as fuck at the back of the club going onto Wikipedia and typing "List of birds"

i think people are starting to forget what the LA in LARP means

*nodding sagely* Los Angeles Role Play

okay gang lets find that son of a bitch markiplier

lowkey you will taste my steel, foul creature

I’m so proud of senshi for making it so far in the tumblr sexyman poll. I think it’s so beautiful that tumblr has reached a point where a short fat hairy bearded man is the pinnacle of sexuality for a large swath of this userbase. it’s like when you see before & after pictures of a rainforest recovering from deforestation. nature is healing and we can fight god

it’s 2014 can taylor swift stop

Squeezing oc like a stress ball. Throwing oc at the wall like a tennis ball. Dribbling oc on the ground like a basket ball. Whacking oc with a club like golf ball. AND OTHER SUCH ACTIVIES THAT YOU CAN IMAGINE.

washing dishes is evil because you go "oh fuck there's so many dishes this is gonna take foreverrr" and then you enter the dish abyss and emerge with your abdomen somehow covered in water and your hands all wrinky and then you look at the clock and what felt like half an hour was actually 10 minutes

This was genuinely what it was like growing up in New Agey circles btw, my mum's friends would come round like "So I went out to the woods this weekend and fasted and meditated and I had a vision of the Sacred Stag and all my guardian angels and I asked them how to find love and they said that I need to focus on my own healing first and stop repeating cycles of the past" and then the very next week it'd be like "So I'm back with James again" girl..... the Sacred Stag could not have been more clear....