hope springs eternal

Trying out a new diet right now. I’m generally terrible with sticking to diets. The whole stoner lifestyle and its sweet tooth implications is a tough thing to shake. However, I’m definitely more self disciplined than I’ve ever been, so I’m hopeful I can stick to it. I’ve been cooking a ton over the last two months, which is something I absolutely love. Sometimes I wake up and I feel like my body has had a great deal of helium pumped into it. I am light and happy on these days. And then, on other days, my body feels like lead. Dense and weighty. Today I’m somewhere in between. Recently my heart has been aching a bit, but I know it’s simply the pangs of the transitional period that I’m in. I’ve tried to become more socially inclined recently. But it’s hard when the city where you live isn’t one that you wish to be an aspect of. I think with my forthcoming move that cultivating a more socially curious attitude will be much easier. I’ve decided to pull the trigger on ordering another workstation. If I’m going to freelance for a living I ultimately need to be spending less time on waiting for projects to render. Additionally, I want to be able to crank out some truly awe inspiring effects and simulations. Which, I can do now, but the render times are prohibitive. I’m not stoked about the cost of a new machine, but am trying to remind myself that the work I do will pay for these expense in no time at all.  Sometimes, very, very late at night, when I’m having a hard time going to sleep, I’ll lay in bed and talk to myself for a while. I’ve been doing this for years, not usually exclusively during times of sleeplessness. It helps me, in some hard to articulate way. Whenever I’m anxious or depressed or upset with some aspect of my life, I’ll have a conversation with myself. It’s always amazing to me how readily the issues that plague me come to the forefront of my awareness. Being able to identify the causers of stress in my life makes the weight of such a feeling diminish almost instantly. When I get to talking to myself I always wonder if anyone else does this, too.  It takes a lot of energy willing yourself to be productive and content with your life. I’m so tired of working at my restaurant job. I mean, I guess that’s super to be expected since I’ve been there for over 6 years. Knowing that I’ve got 6 months left makes going to work a lot easier now. I did the math the other day and I’ve got about 83 shifts left there. Maybe a bit more, or less. But having some sort of workable countdown number is helping a lot with my general desire wanting to go to work, and to not dwell on how much I hate it the entire time.  I’ve never been so desperate for a change in my life as I am now. I really hope that Dev ends up moving up to NY as well. I’d be fine moving alone, but knowing that one of my best friends isn’t confined to a lonely life without much in the way of a friend group would make my own transition a bit easier. Anyway, I guess that’s all I wanted to say today. Bye bye. 

You’re an esteemed and valued aspect of someone’s life until you aren’t. 

I really dislike one of the clients I’ve been working for recently. I’m glad that being a freelance artist affords me the ability to refuse future projects from this person. It’s boggling to me how a seemingly ‘in the know’ creative type can be so abysmal at communicating their creative vision, and, generally at the expense of my time and effort as well. 

Today has been incredibly stressful. But I also feel that using the word ‘incredibly’ to describe my level of stress is also misplaced. Sometimes I wish I had enough revenue from freelancing gigs coming in so that I could hire someone to assist me with some of the work. It’s very easy for me to feel overwhelmed when I hit a snag within my production pipeline because I have almost no one I can ask to help me solve a problem. I feel very fortunate that the customer support staff of Drop and Render went so above and beyond in helping me troubleshoot an issue today. Straight up remoted into my desktop and like worked literal computer magic in front of my eyes.  I’m really excited about the potential monetary boon of this new media partnership I’ve stumbled into. However, I hate that I’ll end up spending so much money on getting this piece rendered at the specified resolution that any sale on this video piece will effectively only allow me to break even. But, hey, whatever. I’m trying to convince myself that by participating in this partnership that I’ll be able to get the really high paying jobs. Jobs that net $1000/min of animated footage. God, what an insane level compensation.  I am not easily discouraged, but, when I find myself in moments where I am feeling that way, it feels like I’ve made a gross miscalculation with my life’s trajectory. I’m finally beyond the crest of this wave of uncertainty, which is nice. I feel calm and collected. Maybe it’s because I’m back home, my designated safe haven.  Tony asked me if I was still intending on moving yesterday. I told him I was. He told me that that made him sad to hear. I wish he wouldn’t have communicated that to me. I have a serious problem with disappointing people, even though I know that experiencing a new place and lifestyle is extremely important to one’s existential development. Getting this project rendered within the designated time frame is really stressing me out. I’ll probably end up spending around $350 just to get this damn thing rendered.  ***NEIL, NEVER, EVER, EVER CONSTRUCT A SCENE WITH SUCH FUCKING INSANELY LONG RENDER TIMES YOU GODDAMNED IDIOT!!!!****

Tonight I went out. I think this might actually be my first time “going out” in Birmingham this year. It honestly wasn’t as bad as I thought that it might be. Small talk is still a rather tedious and awkward endeavor. I was thankful, though, that a few of my friends were out. So at least I had someone to talk to that didn’t make me feel like a complete and total socially inept fool. But, still, on the whole, these sorts of things, bars, shows, whatever, end up being a pretty vacuous endeavor.  I know I need to have some sort of normal ‘social life’. Even more so now that my life of solitude has been elevated to a “full time” sorta thing (lol). The past couple of days have been good and productive. I love working from home. More so, I love that I have enough work to do from home to keep me preoccupied while also learning new skills.  I’m definitely ready to move. But, I’m also down to stay put. I think as more time elapses with me maintaining a truly ‘solo’ lifestyle, that my desire to move will only become more absolute.  Well, time to watch reruns of The Office for the thousandth time and fall asleep.  Damn. Tomorrow is laundry day. I really hate laundry day. 

I find that it is perhaps helpful on some sort of level to keep a ‘diary’ of sorts concerning my various moods. Mostly for the sake of reflection and the benefit of articulating something that is otherwise hard to articulate.  I feel refreshed today, definitely back to my default emotional temperament; chipper.  In a few hours I’ll be going to get a tattoo, so that’s cool. I’ve been super duper busy with all sorts of client work this past month. Some of it has been really fun to work on, other projects have been really boring. But! Even the boring ones have been useful, in some sort of way I suppose, in that I’m furthering various areas of development within the realm of 3D visualization.  Nothing would please me more than to be able to truly do this full-time. I’m getting close, not quite there yet, but I feel that by the year’s end I’ll be there.  I’ve worked at the same damn restaurant for 6 fkn years. I get health insurance and make the schedule. Those two perks alone have kept me there far longer than I would have otherwise stayed.  With no obligations tethering me to my birthplace, I feel it’s truly time to seek a new environment. I need to know how I will thrive and adjust to a place that is completely foreign to me. Something about that aspect of adulthood seems to be like the Final Trial. I dunno.  Recently I’ve become an avid consumer of tea. I really like the clarity and focus it brings me in the mornings.  Sometimes, late at night (2-3am), when I’m getting ready to go to sleep, I’m struck with an immense feeling of loneliness. Recently my dreams have been saturated in this feeling and it’s truly awful.  It’s nothing I can’t withstand, though. But at times it does make feeling like my life is where it should be difficult. Well, time for lunch. 

Today I feel exceedingly depressed, which is an unusual state for me to find myself in. Normally, my default is ‘chipper’, I guess. I want to say that it’s largely due to the weather. Something about shifting barometric pressures does something to me, both in a physiological and emotional context.  Whenever I get to feeling like this the refrain from the Beach Boys’ song ‘I Just Wasn’t Made for These Times’  comes to mind. “Sometimes I feel very sad.”

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